Monday, April 30, 2012

Day 66

Finally taking a moment to reflect over this weekend.  Pop seems to be doing a little bit better and I am exhausted.  I don't know why but I have it in my mind that when someone is ill, sick and especially in the hospital and such that I have it in my head that I must visit every day.  Also too, on top of that I have it in my head that others should be feeling and doing the same.  So when my sister stated that she wasn't going to visit him that she needed a day off, etc.  I became hurt and angry.  I got in it in my head that much needs to be done; he needs to be cared for, etc.  I know he is in good hands in the re-hab section of where he resides.  I know he is getting around the clock service, supervision, feed, etc.  Then why do I feel so so obligated to do more???  By the time Saturday rolled around I was just feeling so exhausted.  My brother-in-law stated on Friday that when he was doing just fine, that I would see him during the week possible once or maybe twice.  He stated doing that is fine.  Most important if there was something that Pop needed or whatever, he would call.  My brother-in-law is right and I am trying to listen and do what he said.  Anyhow, I worked my butt off on Saturday to try to catch up with just the usual cleaning that hadn't been done for a while.  By the end of the day I was more tired.  One highlight of the weekend was my son called to find out what hubby and I were doing Saturday night; I just answered nothing just relaxing if possible.  He proceeded to stated that he and his girlfriend were going to stop over and for me to NOT make any dinner.  They finally showed up around 7:30 with in hand a full dinner from Boston Market.  It was so sweet of them and it was a lovely visit.  I must admit when I get a visit from either of my children, it just brightens up my day.  So to top that off much later my daughter calls and asks if she can stay the night.  Seems that one of her girlfriends (actually one of her bridesmaids) was celebrating her birthday.  Her girlfriend lives very near and was attending one of the pubs/clubs near us.  Of course I said my visits were doubled. 
Once I took my daughter back home the next day (keep in mind she doesn't drive) I returned back home.  Then I started to reflect on the weekend and of course Pop came to my mind.  Couldn't stop so I went to visit him.  After that I came home and I cannot explain what came over me, I was hungry and didn't want to take the time to make anything, so what do I do but grab the 1/2 gallon of ice cream.  A bit of it was gone from the top, but it was just about full.  Well I grab it whole, no bowl just a spoon and sat in front of the TV and ate the WHOLE THING.....YUP...that was me the whole thing.  Afterwards I felt so guilty and wanted to hide it....keep in mind hubby was working and I was home alone.  I knew he would find out and I didn't want him to tease me, but there was nothing I could do.  Well I could have gone out to replace it and he would have known no better but I was just too too tired.

Anyhow I know I allow my emotions, being tired, being hurt and angry is what drove me to do stupid things and make stupid choices.  This stupid feeling has been with me all day.  I am thinking to myself and I am a "leader" ?????   WTF.....such a hypocrite telling others to stay motivate, stay focused and look what I do....HA....I certainly would laugh real hard in my face......   I know I am only human but I need to get back with my good feeling about myself.  I need to remind myself that no matter what I can do for others but must do for myself FIRST....I need to remind myself that if others cannot accept this, well too bad, well not really but hope that they really do understand.......I can only pray......
Still feeling a bit tired but a bit better.  I tracked my food for today and will do for the rest of the week.  I can only hope and pray that my damages are not that severe.

Until later....................


  1. I must admit when my Dad was in hospital and sick I wanted to be there every day and I couldn't understand why others didn't visit so I understand how you are thinking. In regards to the icecream sometimes we just need to do that and then get back on track and you know that... we are only human. Good on you for getting back to tracking.

    1. Thanks so much for the support, I often wonder and feel that I am the only one thinking of this?? It is comforting to know that I am not NUTS so to speak. As for the ice cream, well, there is another 1/2 gallon in the freezer but I keep talking to myself out of far I am listening.....

  2. I know for myself that I just can't have ice cream in the house at all. Can you just get rid of it? I know for me when I'm not emotionally feeling strong food talks to me from the kitchen lol. As for going to see someone well that is up to you but make sure you are doing it for you and don't feel guilty when you can't. I think that is the biggest thing I had to over come always feeling guilty about what I thought others thought I should be doing. It's all up to you, remember your choices :) *big hug*