Thursday, November 15, 2012

Day 266 So appreciative

Well the worse is over and I am so grateful, thankful, you name it.  Surgery is over and all went well with that.  But most important is that the result from the surgery is benign.  Seems that my skin disorder/disease is the cause of the whole thing.  When I go on Tuesday back to the surgeon she will explain everything to me of this disease.  Something in regards that the infection this time and gone deep rooted or something like that.  Unfortunately this disease has no cure; this is something that I must deal with for the rest of my life.  Truthfully I have been dealing with it for close to 40 years.  I already know about it, I have gone countless times to the dermatologist for some answers and it always comes out the same.  I could continue to go to the dermatologist only for when there is an outbreak or when the lesions are flared up.  I have already done this last year for 8 months, it just becomes so tiring.  But if anything I am thankful that it wasn’t breast cancer.  I actually had myself thinking that I wouldn’t be around for the kids wedding and such.  Boy oh boy can the mind really convince you when thinking about the unknown.   But this is now in the past and I need to refocus onto the future. 
My son called this morning and asked if hubby and I would like to go out for dinner tomorrow night.  I told him that would be nice but it wasn’t necessary, I am happy as a bug just when my kids come to visit, but that is what they want to do.   Oh and as for the holidays, well only if they should bring up the subject I will speak my mind but in a gentle way.  I certainly don’t want any arguments or hurt feelings from this all.  It is not worth it to me, but I will state that I am disappointed but I am over that.  I just hope that they and I mean “both” of them; maybe I am hoping in my mind that “she” will truly understand.  Who knows? 
The ladies from TOPS have been so kind and thoughtful.  I did write them a letter (through email) and explained everything and of how I am feeling.  The incision site is still sore and a bit red, which I told the surgeon.  The only thing is that also at this site it is very hard.  The surgeon stated that I maybe holding fluid behind the incision that it may be possible that she may have to do a simple procedure to drain the fluid.  I will find out on Tuesday.  The surgeon also was surprised that I went back to work so quickly, but I explained that I had to, not for work purposes but for my mind, in regards about waiting for the results.  She understood immediately.  So work has kept me busy but when I go home I am truly tired.  I am hoping that this will improve in time.  Tonight I am going to see my dad.  I didn’t tell him anything because I didn’t want him to worry plus I know he would get things mixed up and then he would worry more.  I just know he is thinking that I am mad at him for not seeing him for over a week but once I explain all should be good. 
So as it stands for thanksgiving it looks like it will be just hubby and me.  So I was thinking I might ask hubby to bring the xmas decorations up and I will try to get a head start with them.  That maybe even on thanksgiving I may do the window and get it done with.  He already told me not to cook that we would just make it simple.  He even mentioned about going out.  I will admit it will feel strange but on the other hand it is one less thing to be concern about if I have enough, trying to make something that everyone really like, etc.  I did tell my dear girlfriend about no one coming and I think she felt sorry for us because she keeps asking has anything changed.  I just told her that it may be possible that my daughter and her finance may come, that made her feel better.  She is just a sweetheart. 
Also I am so thankful for so many of my friends for their support, comfort, prayers, kind words and good wishes.  This is where I am truly blessed by our heavenly father.   Which in my prayers hope he blesses them and their families.
I am so grateful………………..

Monday, November 5, 2012

Day 256 Just wanting this to be OVER WITH

Well my mind has been all over the place.  Many things have gone through my head, mostly about the surgery.  At first I was hesitate in calling the doctor because I felt if a cold was coming on.  But I am feeling much better so it will be a go for the surgery this coming Thursday.  I am trying so hard to lower my smoking.  I count my cigarettes every day.  Last week I got down to 11 cigarettes.  I really do want to quit but it is so hard.  People talk about how quitting smoking is easier than to lose weight; well to me they are both very difficult.   I just don’t have it in me to go cold turkey.  Maybe with this surgery I may be able to do it.  I certainly hope so.
Oh, one thing that I must mentioned is that I am so thankful that with the storm, that we didn’t have any damages and so appreciative that the family is doing fine.  My niece and nephew though are going through this still without electricity.  They live not too far from New York and are also not too far from the coast line.  But one thing is that they too did not have any damages.  Just dealing with no electricity and having mega trouble getting gas so they can continue to go to work.
Hubby is so worked up with everything going on, I feel so bad for him.  Right now he is dealing with a law suit from work, last week they started with court and it will continue this week also.  These lawyers have him running around in circles.  The case involves this woman who claimed she fell on the ice at his work’s parking lot, during a storm that happened 2 ½ years ago.  She claimed she was taking a different route to someone’s house to do some under the table work.  This is when we had a blizzard and everything was covered.  Many parking lots were plowed but over night some surfaces iced over.  When hubby saw her he wanted to call an ambulance but her friend who happened to appear suddenly stated no and that she would take her to the hospital.  My question is where did this person come from?  Hubby truly thinks this was a set up of some sort but how can he prove it?  Anyway this woman is suing my hubby’s company but hubby has to go through all this crap.  So the trial is supposed to start today.  And with my surgery, well, he is a mess with worry.
As for my weight, well that too is not doing well.  I am eating up a storm, all because of my emotions.  I keep telling myself that I am not doing any good for myself but I continue to eat.  Last Friday I bought a half a gallon of ice cream and it was gone by the next day.  I feel like half of me knows that I am doing wrong but the bigger half tells me “so what”.  I cave in so quickly and easily.  That is not me and I don’t like it, so why do I continue?
I have been praying a lot too, asking for comfort, asking for help, asking that everything will be ok.  I am scared with everything but right now I am scared that I won’t wake up from anesthesia.  I know it may be dumb but this is how I feel.  Plus I know once the surgery is over my next worry will be the results from the pathology department.   Right now I am so sensitive with everything.  Like last week my son calls just to say hi and then the conversation went into about the holidays.  He proceeds to tell me that he and his finance are going to her cousin’s house again this year for thanksgiving.  I honestly thought that they would be coming to our house, especially since Pop is in the nursing home.  Last year it was my daughter and her finance and Pop and hubby.  Our family is so small.  So I thought it would be him and his finance and hubby and I.  Well I certainly guess wrong.  I mentioned it to hubby, not in detailed and he stated well don’t cook and we’ll just go to Boston Market.  Don’t get me wrong I am grateful that I have hubby but I honestly thought that we would have some family around, I guess not.  So I was very hurt about that.  I keep picturing that we will hardly see him anymore.  That she will have him wrapped and when occasions arrive, well, I won’t see him.  Then I started thinking about children and then my thoughts really started to wander.  I know my emotions are on a roller coaster and with this, well it too went for a ride.  I haven’t said anything to anyone except for a dear co-worker.  I am grateful that I have someone to talk to and let some of my emotions out.  Right now even with the thought of it makes me cry.  Like I said a huge roller coaster ride.
So with right now I am trying to keep busy, obviously not enough if I keep eating this way but hoping and praying for the best and of course this to be all over with.
Just waiting out the time………………..