Monday, November 5, 2012

Day 256 Just wanting this to be OVER WITH

Well my mind has been all over the place.  Many things have gone through my head, mostly about the surgery.  At first I was hesitate in calling the doctor because I felt if a cold was coming on.  But I am feeling much better so it will be a go for the surgery this coming Thursday.  I am trying so hard to lower my smoking.  I count my cigarettes every day.  Last week I got down to 11 cigarettes.  I really do want to quit but it is so hard.  People talk about how quitting smoking is easier than to lose weight; well to me they are both very difficult.   I just don’t have it in me to go cold turkey.  Maybe with this surgery I may be able to do it.  I certainly hope so.
Oh, one thing that I must mentioned is that I am so thankful that with the storm, that we didn’t have any damages and so appreciative that the family is doing fine.  My niece and nephew though are going through this still without electricity.  They live not too far from New York and are also not too far from the coast line.  But one thing is that they too did not have any damages.  Just dealing with no electricity and having mega trouble getting gas so they can continue to go to work.
Hubby is so worked up with everything going on, I feel so bad for him.  Right now he is dealing with a law suit from work, last week they started with court and it will continue this week also.  These lawyers have him running around in circles.  The case involves this woman who claimed she fell on the ice at his work’s parking lot, during a storm that happened 2 ½ years ago.  She claimed she was taking a different route to someone’s house to do some under the table work.  This is when we had a blizzard and everything was covered.  Many parking lots were plowed but over night some surfaces iced over.  When hubby saw her he wanted to call an ambulance but her friend who happened to appear suddenly stated no and that she would take her to the hospital.  My question is where did this person come from?  Hubby truly thinks this was a set up of some sort but how can he prove it?  Anyway this woman is suing my hubby’s company but hubby has to go through all this crap.  So the trial is supposed to start today.  And with my surgery, well, he is a mess with worry.
As for my weight, well that too is not doing well.  I am eating up a storm, all because of my emotions.  I keep telling myself that I am not doing any good for myself but I continue to eat.  Last Friday I bought a half a gallon of ice cream and it was gone by the next day.  I feel like half of me knows that I am doing wrong but the bigger half tells me “so what”.  I cave in so quickly and easily.  That is not me and I don’t like it, so why do I continue?
I have been praying a lot too, asking for comfort, asking for help, asking that everything will be ok.  I am scared with everything but right now I am scared that I won’t wake up from anesthesia.  I know it may be dumb but this is how I feel.  Plus I know once the surgery is over my next worry will be the results from the pathology department.   Right now I am so sensitive with everything.  Like last week my son calls just to say hi and then the conversation went into about the holidays.  He proceeds to tell me that he and his finance are going to her cousin’s house again this year for thanksgiving.  I honestly thought that they would be coming to our house, especially since Pop is in the nursing home.  Last year it was my daughter and her finance and Pop and hubby.  Our family is so small.  So I thought it would be him and his finance and hubby and I.  Well I certainly guess wrong.  I mentioned it to hubby, not in detailed and he stated well don’t cook and we’ll just go to Boston Market.  Don’t get me wrong I am grateful that I have hubby but I honestly thought that we would have some family around, I guess not.  So I was very hurt about that.  I keep picturing that we will hardly see him anymore.  That she will have him wrapped and when occasions arrive, well, I won’t see him.  Then I started thinking about children and then my thoughts really started to wander.  I know my emotions are on a roller coaster and with this, well it too went for a ride.  I haven’t said anything to anyone except for a dear co-worker.  I am grateful that I have someone to talk to and let some of my emotions out.  Right now even with the thought of it makes me cry.  Like I said a huge roller coaster ride.
So with right now I am trying to keep busy, obviously not enough if I keep eating this way but hoping and praying for the best and of course this to be all over with.
Just waiting out the time………………..

1 comment:

  1. I'm so sorry you're so scared right now. But just keep praying and things will be ok. I'll be praying for you too. As for your son, you have to tell him how you feel. He needs to know it's important that you see him some holidays. I know I worry the same thing with Kevin with the new girlfriend and little girl but I will be open and honest with both of them. I know I have to share his time now but it has to be shared not just about her. Have you told the kids yet about the surgery? As for the eating, well I don't have any real good advice there other than talk yourself out of as much as you can. I go through that with myself at times and I really have to give myself a talking to. The more you talk yourself out of the better you will feel too. I'm here for you if you want to email too you know if you need to get things off your chest. *big hugs*