Day 266 So appreciative

Well the worse is over and I am so grateful, thankful, you name it.  Surgery is over and all went well with that.  But most important is that the result from the surgery is benign.  Seems that my skin disorder/disease is the cause of the whole thing.  When I go on Tuesday back to the surgeon she will explain everything to me of this disease.  Something in regards that the infection this time and gone deep rooted or something like that.  Unfortunately this disease has no cure; this is something that I must deal with for the rest of my life.  Truthfully I have been dealing with it for close to 40 years.  I already know about it, I have gone countless times to the dermatologist for some answers and it always comes out the same.  I could continue to go to the dermatologist only for when there is an outbreak or when the lesions are flared up.  I have already done this last year for 8 months, it just becomes so tiring.  But if anything I am thankful that it wasn’t breast cancer.  I actually had myself thinking that I wouldn’t be around for the kids wedding and such.  Boy oh boy can the mind really convince you when thinking about the unknown.   But this is now in the past and I need to refocus onto the future. 

My son called this morning and asked if hubby and I would like to go out for dinner tomorrow night.  I told him that would be nice but it wasn’t necessary, I am happy as a bug just when my kids come to visit, but that is what they want to do.   Oh and as for the holidays, well only if they should bring up the subject I will speak my mind but in a gentle way.  I certainly don’t want any arguments or hurt feelings from this all.  It is not worth it to me, but I will state that I am disappointed but I am over that.  I just hope that they and I mean “both” of them; maybe I am hoping in my mind that “she” will truly understand.  Who knows? 

The ladies from TOPS have been so kind and thoughtful.  I did write them a letter (through email) and explained everything and of how I am feeling.  The incision site is still sore and a bit red, which I told the surgeon.  The only thing is that also at this site it is very hard.  The surgeon stated that I maybe holding fluid behind the incision that it may be possible that she may have to do a simple procedure to drain the fluid.  I will find out on Tuesday.  The surgeon also was surprised that I went back to work so quickly, but I explained that I had to, not for work purposes but for my mind, in regards about waiting for the results.  She understood immediately.  So work has kept me busy but when I go home I am truly tired.  I am hoping that this will improve in time.  Tonight I am going to see my dad.  I didn’t tell him anything because I didn’t want him to worry plus I know he would get things mixed up and then he would worry more.  I just know he is thinking that I am mad at him for not seeing him for over a week but once I explain all should be good. 

So as it stands for thanksgiving it looks like it will be just hubby and me.  So I was thinking I might ask hubby to bring the xmas decorations up and I will try to get a head start with them.  That maybe even on thanksgiving I may do the window and get it done with.  He already told me not to cook that we would just make it simple.  He even mentioned about going out.  I will admit it will feel strange but on the other hand it is one less thing to be concern about if I have enough, trying to make something that everyone really like, etc.  I did tell my dear girlfriend about no one coming and I think she felt sorry for us because she keeps asking has anything changed.  I just told her that it may be possible that my daughter and her finance may come, that made her feel better.  She is just a sweetheart. 

Also I am so thankful for so many of my friends for their support, comfort, prayers, kind words and good wishes.  This is where I am truly blessed by our heavenly father.   Which in my prayers hope he blesses them and their families.

I am so grateful………………..

Day 256 Just wanting this to be OVER WITH

Well my mind has been all over the place.  Many things have gone through my head, mostly about the surgery.  At first I was hesitate in calling the doctor because I felt if a cold was coming on.  But I am feeling much better so it will be a go for the surgery this coming Thursday.  I am trying so hard to lower my smoking.  I count my cigarettes every day.  Last week I got down to 11 cigarettes.  I really do want to quit but it is so hard.  People talk about how quitting smoking is easier than to lose weight; well to me they are both very difficult.   I just don’t have it in me to go cold turkey.  Maybe with this surgery I may be able to do it.  I certainly hope so.

Oh, one thing that I must mentioned is that I am so thankful that with the storm, that we didn’t have any damages and so appreciative that the family is doing fine.  My niece and nephew though are going through this still without electricity.  They live not too far from New York and are also not too far from the coast line.  But one thing is that they too did not have any damages.  Just dealing with no electricity and having mega trouble getting gas so they can continue to go to work.

Hubby is so worked up with everything going on, I feel so bad for him.  Right now he is dealing with a law suit from work, last week they started with court and it will continue this week also.  These lawyers have him running around in circles.  The case involves this woman who claimed she fell on the ice at his work’s parking lot, during a storm that happened 2 ½ years ago.  She claimed she was taking a different route to someone’s house to do some under the table work.  This is when we had a blizzard and everything was covered.  Many parking lots were plowed but over night some surfaces iced over.  When hubby saw her he wanted to call an ambulance but her friend who happened to appear suddenly stated no and that she would take her to the hospital.  My question is where did this person come from?  Hubby truly thinks this was a set up of some sort but how can he prove it?  Anyway this woman is suing my hubby’s company but hubby has to go through all this crap.  So the trial is supposed to start today.  And with my surgery, well, he is a mess with worry.

As for my weight, well that too is not doing well.  I am eating up a storm, all because of my emotions.  I keep telling myself that I am not doing any good for myself but I continue to eat.  Last Friday I bought a half a gallon of ice cream and it was gone by the next day.  I feel like half of me knows that I am doing wrong but the bigger half tells me “so what”.  I cave in so quickly and easily.  That is not me and I don’t like it, so why do I continue?

I have been praying a lot too, asking for comfort, asking for help, asking that everything will be ok.  I am scared with everything but right now I am scared that I won’t wake up from anesthesia.  I know it may be dumb but this is how I feel.  Plus I know once the surgery is over my next worry will be the results from the pathology department.   Right now I am so sensitive with everything.  Like last week my son calls just to say hi and then the conversation went into about the holidays.  He proceeds to tell me that he and his finance are going to her cousin’s house again this year for thanksgiving.  I honestly thought that they would be coming to our house, especially since Pop is in the nursing home.  Last year it was my daughter and her finance and Pop and hubby.  Our family is so small.  So I thought it would be him and his finance and hubby and I.  Well I certainly guess wrong.  I mentioned it to hubby, not in detailed and he stated well don’t cook and we’ll just go to Boston Market.  Don’t get me wrong I am grateful that I have hubby but I honestly thought that we would have some family around, I guess not.  So I was very hurt about that.  I keep picturing that we will hardly see him anymore.  That she will have him wrapped and when occasions arrive, well, I won’t see him.  Then I started thinking about children and then my thoughts really started to wander.  I know my emotions are on a roller coaster and with this, well it too went for a ride.  I haven’t said anything to anyone except for a dear co-worker.  I am grateful that I have someone to talk to and let some of my emotions out.  Right now even with the thought of it makes me cry.  Like I said a huge roller coaster ride.

So with right now I am trying to keep busy, obviously not enough if I keep eating this way but hoping and praying for the best and of course this to be all over with.

Just waiting out the time………………..

Day 244 Faith will keep me going

Now that it has been several days, I have finally calmed down with the surgery idea.  Even yesterday I was still upset but I need to move on.  Hubby too is getting better.  I still have to tell the kids; hopefully I will be able to this coming weekend.

Also too yesterday I called the doctor’s office to get the name of what I have or so call have and the nurse was talking to the doctor right there and they both spelled it out for me and it is “dermatopathic lymphadenopathy”.  It sure is a mouthful.  Now of course I looked it up all over the internet and yes it can be frighten.  But even the doctors stated don’t believe everything that you read.  Easier said than done.  But she did state that she truly believes this is my case and having the surgery well, she said she wants to prove them wrong.  I guess to prove them wrong meaning about having breast cancer.  I certainly hope she is right. 

Tonight is TOPS and I am finally going back.  If anything I will tell the ladies that I am having some health issues only because first, surgery is scheduled on a Thursday plus I have no idea about how much time I need to recoup.  I guess I may find this out tomorrow when I meet with the anesthesiologist.  I hope I can get more answer too.

I made last night a friend’s protein bars recipe but I made it this time with pumpkin.  They looked good and smelled good.  Tonight at TOPS the ladies are having a Halloween party after the meeting.  Here at work they had a pumpkin sale and I bought two.  On Tuesday night I got the entire pumpkin cook and cooled.  I think I got about 10 cups of pumpkin, so I am hoping to make some low calorie pumpkin cake cheese rolls.  These I can freeze so I can have them for the holidays. 

I am trying to get my head back into the game and just keep going each day.

I read one of the blogs that I follow and she wrote about hope yesterday.  Boy oh boy she really hit it home with me.  Sometimes I actually believe, no I DO believe that God wants me to see, read and hear this.  I feel he is reaching out to me and just comforting me.  I am grateful that he has sent me to her to read her story and how she is overcoming all this obstacles.  Also too there is another woman, who I adore who I have known for a long time, she too has been through the ringer and today she shines.  Don’t get me wrong they still have their ups and downs but how they pull through it, well it is more than amazing.  I am truly blessed to have them in my life.

Thank you Lord…………

Day 243 Reaching for hope

Well my life seems to continue with sad news.  I feel so bad for hubby, with losing Max our dog, his buddy, I now had to tell him about the spot that the doctors have found.

I went yesterday to the breast specialist; she stated that I need surgery.  She feels that the lymph node that is enlarged has something to do with my skin disorder.  I couldn’t even pronounce the name let alone spell it, but I have a skin disorder which I constantly get cysts, carbuncles, boils, whatever you want to name it.  There is no cure and the doctors can only reduce or as they say calm them with injections and medications.  Anyhow also too with some of these cysts, some of them can lie deep down into the tissues.  Anyhow she feels that this one lymph node is also cause by this but she cannot be sure unless she removes it.  So as it is surgery is scheduled for Nov 8^th.  This particular node is located on my upper right breast towards my armpit.  I must admit I am petrified, scared and many other things.  Of course I fear the worse.  Most important I really don’t want to tell the kids.  They have plenty of things going on and I don’t want to burden them.  But I also know if I kept this from them, well they would be mighty mad.  This Friday I am scheduled to see the anesthesiologist to go over and possible get some tests in preparation of the surgery.   Once they remove the node it will go to the pathologist and the findings will take several days.  I know that is going to be hard to wait for.  I have some many mixed emotions about this all.  I am praying hard that this is the finding that they will come to.  Funny I have cried so much that I feel that I can’t cry anymore but the tears still do flow.  I am trying hard to keep occupied, especially my mind but naturally this thought still comes back.

All I can do now is pray; pray even harder than I usually do.

Day 238 When will it get better ??

Again this has been a horrible week.  I am filled with many mixed emotions.  Here is a timeline of what has happened.

Last week I get a call from the GYN wanting to see me sooner because of my mammo pictures.  Seems again it is showing a spot, got physical exam from GYN and she stated she couldn’t feel anything.  Well with speaking with the GYN she said with losing a good amount of weight, that the radiologist was unable to compare with last year’s pics.  She actually said that looking at the two pics that it is like looking at two different breasts.  So with that I had more pics done yesterday.  Well, actually the radiologist doctor did the ultrasound; he tells me he highly suggests that I should have a biopsy done.  But I am going to wait until I see the breast specialist on this coming Tuesday.  So of course I am filled with worry about that.  And even more to tear me apart is that our beloved pet dog Max had to be put down.  My hubby and Max were the best of buddies.  We had him for 13 and ½ years.  Hubby is truly heartbroken; hubby has never had a dog before.  I thought I have seen it all when hubby got upset and cried but not like this.  He actually told me that he continuing repeats in his head was taking him to the vet to be put down.  He kissed him and hugged him before he handed him over to the woman.  G as I will call her took Max and then hugged hubby and he sobbed.  One thing is that I am grateful is that hubby is on vacation, so at least he has some time to grieve on his own.  With him being so upset, I didn’t have the heart to tell him what the radiologist had stated.  I am just going to keep it to myself until I speak with the breast specialist.  I don’t want him to get more upset and more worried.  He does know I need to go and see them but that is it.

My son and future daughter in law are such sweethearts.  They sent a cookie flower arrangement in sympathy for Max.  Earlier today my son called and said that they were coming down and want to take us out for a while, just a sports bar nearby.  I know this will be good for hubby.

I was worried also too yesterday because my future daughter in law had to get a procedure on her back.  She is so tiny, seems that she has a herniated disk and the past week she was experiencing severe back spasms.  So yesterday she had to get two epidurals and injections of cortisone shots.  I really didn’t want them to come out but I have been told that she is feeling a lot better plus they insisted.

Then on top of all of this, Pop seems to be declining again.  I went last weekend to visit and he was so out of it.  Seems that he is losing a lot of strength that this time they (the nursing home) had to use the lift to get him out of bed and dress him.  He doesn’t even have the strength to even stand.  Plus he has lost some of his appetite and hardly eats.  I did find out from my sister who visited yesterday that he has a urinal tract infection and with this with elderly people can affect them with short term memory. So for now he is on antibiotics to clear this up.

Again I have not gone to TOPS; I just don’t have the energy or desire.  But reading another blog, well she is trying to give good cheer to others; with doing this gives her cheer.  I too am going to try this.  I need something to get me out of this horrible funky mood and need to stop with all the worrying alone.  As for my eating, well that has definitely fallen to the waste side but I refuse to let it sit there.  I am hoping maybe tomorrow I will set some time aside to sit and actually plan it out for the week.  I think I will write it down, like an itinerary and try my upmost best to follow it to a tee.

I have cried enough and can’t seem to cry any more.  I know in my heart things will get better, it just hurts so much and I wonder how long will it take to get better.  I am praying that God will help comfort hubby and also pray that I have no bad news to tell him after Tuesday’s doctor appointment.

Hanging on but with only a thin thread.

Until later…

Day 229 Is the pace too slow ???

Unbelievable it has been a week since writing.  It has been a busy week.   But today is a great day; my baby girl’s 24^th birthday is today.  I just think back how the time flies. 

I seemed to be saying that a lot lately.  Then I look back and see of how much progress I have done.  In total I see 60 pounds gone but at times I feel it should be more.  Even with my meetings I tell the group slow and steady is the right pace but what is really the right pace.  Funny with the weight coming off so slow I sometimes feel that I haven’t lost any weight at all.  Don’t get me wrong I am seeing it especially with my clothes.  People kind of tease me, ones that really know me, teasing me especially when I have to pin my pants at the waist so they don’t fall off of me.  Also too I will admit it feels really good with the few new clothes that I have bought recently.  I also wonder if I am eating really healthy.  But when I look at my log I know I am but, well I just don’t know.  I have heard many times with this much weight to lose; I should be dropping it off like crazy.  But I still ponder about of how slow these pounds are coming off.  Hopefully now with the knee doctor clearing me, and giving me a scrip for physical therapy I will hopefully begin an exercise plan.  Maybe that will aid in the losing.   Also too I do worry about the excess skin but am always telling myself I will cross that bridge when I get to it and I will not use that as an excuse to stop trying.  But I still worry about it.  Will I look worse?  Worse than with all the weight on me?

Still I wonder………….

Until later………..

Day 221 Where is the strength ???

This past week has been busy and I am still busy for the rest of the week.  Tonight I am going to get my hair done, need to wash away the gray again.  I will mention though, as I am getting older those grays certainly appear much quicker.   Then tomorrow I will be meeting with my daughter’s bridesmaids to start planning her bridal shower.  I will admit it is fun looking up the so many different center pieces, shower favors, games, decorations and even some really different and cool gift ideas.  I just want this shower to be a WOW type of a shower.  Then on Thursday is my doctor appointment for my leg (final check up) then afterwards TOPS meeting.  Saturday, hopefully I will be heading up to my nieces house for an Oktoberfest gathering.  Mostly family and some friends, hope the weather is nice.   Wow just reading all of this, well I just spent the entire week away…LOL

Today was difficult at lunch.  We had our managers meeting re-scheduled and was placed in the time slot as lunchtime.  So the company was kind enough to provide lunch, which may I add is very unusual but anyway was provided.  I must admit this is usually the time I just lose my guard.  Today was sandwiches, salad and of course desserts.  So as I stood in line, I keep reminding myself to choose wisely, So I picked chicken salad sandwich, which was a half of a sandwich, took a little bit of sweet potato salad (which I may add is super, super delicious) and then stuffed the rest of my plate with the garden salad.  I passed on the soda (which made me think about that) because I really don’t drink sugary drinks anymore.  They are just too too sweet for me. So that was really easy.  One thought of that I starting thinking then why can’t I pass on other foods?  Why do I feel so tempted by fatten, loads of oil, mayonnaise, salted, items.  Why do I crave this so much?  How can I get myself to the point where I only want really healthy items?  Like with the soda, I really cannot drink a regular soda.  The sweetness hurts my teeth.  I no longer like the carbonation in them; it makes me too gassy so why bother?   I understand that these temptations will always be there but why is it so hard?   I guess it probably came to mind when I did read before lunch this wonderful woman’s blog.  Part of her blog mentioned about addicts with drugs, and alcohol.   How it must be so hard for someone who is a recovering addict.  Where does that strength come from?  How can I get that strength?   Why?

Because I am an addict………………

Until later…………..