Friday, October 19, 2012

Day 238 When will it get better ??

Again this has been a horrible week.  I am filled with many mixed emotions.  Here is a timeline of what has happened.
Last week I get a call from the GYN wanting to see me sooner because of my mammo pictures.  Seems again it is showing a spot, got physical exam from GYN and she stated she couldn’t feel anything.  Well with speaking with the GYN she said with losing a good amount of weight, that the radiologist was unable to compare with last year’s pics.  She actually said that looking at the two pics that it is like looking at two different breasts.  So with that I had more pics done yesterday.  Well, actually the radiologist doctor did the ultrasound; he tells me he highly suggests that I should have a biopsy done.  But I am going to wait until I see the breast specialist on this coming Tuesday.  So of course I am filled with worry about that.  And even more to tear me apart is that our beloved pet dog Max had to be put down.  My hubby and Max were the best of buddies.  We had him for 13 and ½ years.  Hubby is truly heartbroken; hubby has never had a dog before.  I thought I have seen it all when hubby got upset and cried but not like this.  He actually told me that he continuing repeats in his head was taking him to the vet to be put down.  He kissed him and hugged him before he handed him over to the woman.  G as I will call her took Max and then hugged hubby and he sobbed.  One thing is that I am grateful is that hubby is on vacation, so at least he has some time to grieve on his own.  With him being so upset, I didn’t have the heart to tell him what the radiologist had stated.  I am just going to keep it to myself until I speak with the breast specialist.  I don’t want him to get more upset and more worried.  He does know I need to go and see them but that is it.
My son and future daughter in law are such sweethearts.  They sent a cookie flower arrangement in sympathy for Max.  Earlier today my son called and said that they were coming down and want to take us out for a while, just a sports bar nearby.  I know this will be good for hubby.
I was worried also too yesterday because my future daughter in law had to get a procedure on her back.  She is so tiny, seems that she has a herniated disk and the past week she was experiencing severe back spasms.  So yesterday she had to get two epidurals and injections of cortisone shots.  I really didn’t want them to come out but I have been told that she is feeling a lot better plus they insisted.
Then on top of all of this, Pop seems to be declining again.  I went last weekend to visit and he was so out of it.  Seems that he is losing a lot of strength that this time they (the nursing home) had to use the lift to get him out of bed and dress him.  He doesn’t even have the strength to even stand.  Plus he has lost some of his appetite and hardly eats.  I did find out from my sister who visited yesterday that he has a urinal tract infection and with this with elderly people can affect them with short term memory. So for now he is on antibiotics to clear this up.

Again I have not gone to TOPS; I just don’t have the energy or desire.  But reading another blog, well she is trying to give good cheer to others; with doing this gives her cheer.  I too am going to try this.  I need something to get me out of this horrible funky mood and need to stop with all the worrying alone.  As for my eating, well that has definitely fallen to the waste side but I refuse to let it sit there.  I am hoping maybe tomorrow I will set some time aside to sit and actually plan it out for the week.  I think I will write it down, like an itinerary and try my upmost best to follow it to a tee.
I have cried enough and can’t seem to cry any more.  I know in my heart things will get better, it just hurts so much and I wonder how long will it take to get better.  I am praying that God will help comfort hubby and also pray that I have no bad news to tell him after Tuesday’s doctor appointment.

Hanging on but with only a thin thread.
Until later…

1 comment:

  1. I'm sending lots of prayers and loving thoughts your way, great big big hug to you. I'm here if you need me so please email me anytime you need to talk to someone. I'm sorry to hear about the spot on your breast but try not to worry. I know that's easier said than done. So sorry to hear about your dog too. I know how tough it is losing a beloved pet. Then your dad too, it does seem when it rains it pours. I really do think focusing on the "happiness challenge" will help you. I can't tell you how much it's improved my mood in the past several days. Just try not to fall in a hole emotionally. Get to your TOPS meeting too because those people care about you and getting their support can only help you. Reaching out to others I know is tough but we need people especially at times like these. More hugs.