Day 244 Faith will keep me going

Now that it has been several days, I have finally calmed down with the surgery idea.  Even yesterday I was still upset but I need to move on.  Hubby too is getting better.  I still have to tell the kids; hopefully I will be able to this coming weekend.

Also too yesterday I called the doctor’s office to get the name of what I have or so call have and the nurse was talking to the doctor right there and they both spelled it out for me and it is “dermatopathic lymphadenopathy”.  It sure is a mouthful.  Now of course I looked it up all over the internet and yes it can be frighten.  But even the doctors stated don’t believe everything that you read.  Easier said than done.  But she did state that she truly believes this is my case and having the surgery well, she said she wants to prove them wrong.  I guess to prove them wrong meaning about having breast cancer.  I certainly hope she is right. 

Tonight is TOPS and I am finally going back.  If anything I will tell the ladies that I am having some health issues only because first, surgery is scheduled on a Thursday plus I have no idea about how much time I need to recoup.  I guess I may find this out tomorrow when I meet with the anesthesiologist.  I hope I can get more answer too.

I made last night a friend’s protein bars recipe but I made it this time with pumpkin.  They looked good and smelled good.  Tonight at TOPS the ladies are having a Halloween party after the meeting.  Here at work they had a pumpkin sale and I bought two.  On Tuesday night I got the entire pumpkin cook and cooled.  I think I got about 10 cups of pumpkin, so I am hoping to make some low calorie pumpkin cake cheese rolls.  These I can freeze so I can have them for the holidays. 

I am trying to get my head back into the game and just keep going each day.

I read one of the blogs that I follow and she wrote about hope yesterday.  Boy oh boy she really hit it home with me.  Sometimes I actually believe, no I DO believe that God wants me to see, read and hear this.  I feel he is reaching out to me and just comforting me.  I am grateful that he has sent me to her to read her story and how she is overcoming all this obstacles.  Also too there is another woman, who I adore who I have known for a long time, she too has been through the ringer and today she shines.  Don’t get me wrong they still have their ups and downs but how they pull through it, well it is more than amazing.  I am truly blessed to have them in my life.

Thank you Lord…………

Day 243 Reaching for hope

Well my life seems to continue with sad news.  I feel so bad for hubby, with losing Max our dog, his buddy, I now had to tell him about the spot that the doctors have found.

I went yesterday to the breast specialist; she stated that I need surgery.  She feels that the lymph node that is enlarged has something to do with my skin disorder.  I couldn’t even pronounce the name let alone spell it, but I have a skin disorder which I constantly get cysts, carbuncles, boils, whatever you want to name it.  There is no cure and the doctors can only reduce or as they say calm them with injections and medications.  Anyhow also too with some of these cysts, some of them can lie deep down into the tissues.  Anyhow she feels that this one lymph node is also cause by this but she cannot be sure unless she removes it.  So as it is surgery is scheduled for Nov 8^th.  This particular node is located on my upper right breast towards my armpit.  I must admit I am petrified, scared and many other things.  Of course I fear the worse.  Most important I really don’t want to tell the kids.  They have plenty of things going on and I don’t want to burden them.  But I also know if I kept this from them, well they would be mighty mad.  This Friday I am scheduled to see the anesthesiologist to go over and possible get some tests in preparation of the surgery.   Once they remove the node it will go to the pathologist and the findings will take several days.  I know that is going to be hard to wait for.  I have some many mixed emotions about this all.  I am praying hard that this is the finding that they will come to.  Funny I have cried so much that I feel that I can’t cry anymore but the tears still do flow.  I am trying hard to keep occupied, especially my mind but naturally this thought still comes back.

All I can do now is pray; pray even harder than I usually do.

Day 238 When will it get better ??

Again this has been a horrible week.  I am filled with many mixed emotions.  Here is a timeline of what has happened.

Last week I get a call from the GYN wanting to see me sooner because of my mammo pictures.  Seems again it is showing a spot, got physical exam from GYN and she stated she couldn’t feel anything.  Well with speaking with the GYN she said with losing a good amount of weight, that the radiologist was unable to compare with last year’s pics.  She actually said that looking at the two pics that it is like looking at two different breasts.  So with that I had more pics done yesterday.  Well, actually the radiologist doctor did the ultrasound; he tells me he highly suggests that I should have a biopsy done.  But I am going to wait until I see the breast specialist on this coming Tuesday.  So of course I am filled with worry about that.  And even more to tear me apart is that our beloved pet dog Max had to be put down.  My hubby and Max were the best of buddies.  We had him for 13 and ½ years.  Hubby is truly heartbroken; hubby has never had a dog before.  I thought I have seen it all when hubby got upset and cried but not like this.  He actually told me that he continuing repeats in his head was taking him to the vet to be put down.  He kissed him and hugged him before he handed him over to the woman.  G as I will call her took Max and then hugged hubby and he sobbed.  One thing is that I am grateful is that hubby is on vacation, so at least he has some time to grieve on his own.  With him being so upset, I didn’t have the heart to tell him what the radiologist had stated.  I am just going to keep it to myself until I speak with the breast specialist.  I don’t want him to get more upset and more worried.  He does know I need to go and see them but that is it.

My son and future daughter in law are such sweethearts.  They sent a cookie flower arrangement in sympathy for Max.  Earlier today my son called and said that they were coming down and want to take us out for a while, just a sports bar nearby.  I know this will be good for hubby.

I was worried also too yesterday because my future daughter in law had to get a procedure on her back.  She is so tiny, seems that she has a herniated disk and the past week she was experiencing severe back spasms.  So yesterday she had to get two epidurals and injections of cortisone shots.  I really didn’t want them to come out but I have been told that she is feeling a lot better plus they insisted.

Then on top of all of this, Pop seems to be declining again.  I went last weekend to visit and he was so out of it.  Seems that he is losing a lot of strength that this time they (the nursing home) had to use the lift to get him out of bed and dress him.  He doesn’t even have the strength to even stand.  Plus he has lost some of his appetite and hardly eats.  I did find out from my sister who visited yesterday that he has a urinal tract infection and with this with elderly people can affect them with short term memory. So for now he is on antibiotics to clear this up.

Again I have not gone to TOPS; I just don’t have the energy or desire.  But reading another blog, well she is trying to give good cheer to others; with doing this gives her cheer.  I too am going to try this.  I need something to get me out of this horrible funky mood and need to stop with all the worrying alone.  As for my eating, well that has definitely fallen to the waste side but I refuse to let it sit there.  I am hoping maybe tomorrow I will set some time aside to sit and actually plan it out for the week.  I think I will write it down, like an itinerary and try my upmost best to follow it to a tee.

I have cried enough and can’t seem to cry any more.  I know in my heart things will get better, it just hurts so much and I wonder how long will it take to get better.  I am praying that God will help comfort hubby and also pray that I have no bad news to tell him after Tuesday’s doctor appointment.

Hanging on but with only a thin thread.

Until later…

Day 229 Is the pace too slow ???

Unbelievable it has been a week since writing.  It has been a busy week.   But today is a great day; my baby girl’s 24^th birthday is today.  I just think back how the time flies. 

I seemed to be saying that a lot lately.  Then I look back and see of how much progress I have done.  In total I see 60 pounds gone but at times I feel it should be more.  Even with my meetings I tell the group slow and steady is the right pace but what is really the right pace.  Funny with the weight coming off so slow I sometimes feel that I haven’t lost any weight at all.  Don’t get me wrong I am seeing it especially with my clothes.  People kind of tease me, ones that really know me, teasing me especially when I have to pin my pants at the waist so they don’t fall off of me.  Also too I will admit it feels really good with the few new clothes that I have bought recently.  I also wonder if I am eating really healthy.  But when I look at my log I know I am but, well I just don’t know.  I have heard many times with this much weight to lose; I should be dropping it off like crazy.  But I still ponder about of how slow these pounds are coming off.  Hopefully now with the knee doctor clearing me, and giving me a scrip for physical therapy I will hopefully begin an exercise plan.  Maybe that will aid in the losing.   Also too I do worry about the excess skin but am always telling myself I will cross that bridge when I get to it and I will not use that as an excuse to stop trying.  But I still worry about it.  Will I look worse?  Worse than with all the weight on me?

Still I wonder………….

Until later………..

Day 221 Where is the strength ???

This past week has been busy and I am still busy for the rest of the week.  Tonight I am going to get my hair done, need to wash away the gray again.  I will mention though, as I am getting older those grays certainly appear much quicker.   Then tomorrow I will be meeting with my daughter’s bridesmaids to start planning her bridal shower.  I will admit it is fun looking up the so many different center pieces, shower favors, games, decorations and even some really different and cool gift ideas.  I just want this shower to be a WOW type of a shower.  Then on Thursday is my doctor appointment for my leg (final check up) then afterwards TOPS meeting.  Saturday, hopefully I will be heading up to my nieces house for an Oktoberfest gathering.  Mostly family and some friends, hope the weather is nice.   Wow just reading all of this, well I just spent the entire week away…LOL

Today was difficult at lunch.  We had our managers meeting re-scheduled and was placed in the time slot as lunchtime.  So the company was kind enough to provide lunch, which may I add is very unusual but anyway was provided.  I must admit this is usually the time I just lose my guard.  Today was sandwiches, salad and of course desserts.  So as I stood in line, I keep reminding myself to choose wisely, So I picked chicken salad sandwich, which was a half of a sandwich, took a little bit of sweet potato salad (which I may add is super, super delicious) and then stuffed the rest of my plate with the garden salad.  I passed on the soda (which made me think about that) because I really don’t drink sugary drinks anymore.  They are just too too sweet for me. So that was really easy.  One thought of that I starting thinking then why can’t I pass on other foods?  Why do I feel so tempted by fatten, loads of oil, mayonnaise, salted, items.  Why do I crave this so much?  How can I get myself to the point where I only want really healthy items?  Like with the soda, I really cannot drink a regular soda.  The sweetness hurts my teeth.  I no longer like the carbonation in them; it makes me too gassy so why bother?   I understand that these temptations will always be there but why is it so hard?   I guess it probably came to mind when I did read before lunch this wonderful woman’s blog.  Part of her blog mentioned about addicts with drugs, and alcohol.   How it must be so hard for someone who is a recovering addict.  Where does that strength come from?  How can I get that strength?   Why?

Because I am an addict………………

Until later…………..

Day 213 Afraid to move

Another weekend gone.   Another day passes.  And with all this time, well I am still not moving the way I should be.  Why?  I wonder that myself many times.  Am I afraid? Am I that lazy?  Is it because I don’t want to be in pain?  Will this leg every get better?  I just don’t know the answer. 

I just finished reading this woman’s blog and O M G, I felt as if she was speaking to me directly.  I am beginning to believe that God has put me on her path.  To read and even feel her emotions, feelings, spirit of all she has been through.  But no matter what she continues to push through it all.  My goodness such strength she has.  Where does it come from?  I too want that strength, the motivation.  Honestly the ladies from TOPS state that I have it but there are many times I don’t feel it.  The ladies stated that they love the energy I give them but again I don’t feel it.  Am I faking it?  I still wonder.

Saturday my kids had a barbeque at their house.  As I was leaving my house, my neighbor peeked out her window to say HI and then stated how good I looked.  Don’t get me wrong it was great to hear this, all the work that I am doing but for some odd reason, I just felt she was being nice.  Like I didn’t believe it.  While at the kids house, a friend of theirs, nice kid (I really shouldn’t be saying kid, they are all around the age of 24) but anyhow, the young man stated how good I was looking, that he could see that I had lost a lot of weight.  Again it felt good hearing it but again I felt it wasn’t good enough.  I have so far to go and thinking will I ever get there.  Can I do this?  Am I looking too far ahead?   I sometimes feel I should just quit now.  I probably just need to stay in the present but can’t seem to shake this feeling that I haven’t done enough.  But then reading her blog, well it really touched me.  I just need to keep going.  Just do it.  I need to move more, perhaps that will help my head, feelings, emotions. 

As she put it, I need to just walk to the mailbox and back.

Until later…………………

Day 208 So much l need to do, now to just DO IT

It is just funny how the time just flies by.  This past week sure did.  Well the engagement party that my daughter gave at my house was a huge success.  Her brother and his fiancée were very happy.  Her menu was superb.  She worked very hard at it.  I am grateful that the weather was absolutely beautiful.  The back patio was certainly crowded.  It seems that everyone had a good time.  Now for this Saturday, her and her fiancé are having a barbeque at their house, such the party givers.

Today I am a bit bummed out, seems that our girls weekend away is going to be cancelled.  I was looking so forward to spending time with my best and dear girlfriends for the weekend.  But if anything this year my hubby is supposed to take me away overnight, so at least I have something to look forward to.

I can’t believe how quickly the days are going by.  It is like wow September is more than half over.  The colder months are approaching fast.

Last Thursday at TOPS I proposed to the ladies of trying to do 1200 calorie per day for one week.  I followed this man’s blog and that is what he is doing with a bunch of other people.  He is so right about eating less and doing more.  It is the simplest but yet very hard to do.  I have done it before but staying committed is the hard part.  At first I thought it would be hard but picking out the right foods, which I may add is very healthy for you, is the right road and yes it is NOT hard to do.  But with all these temptations around and processed food around and being lazy all comes into play here.  I am hoping that with the cooler weather and the parties all calming down, well I am hoping I can get myself into gear of what NEEDS to be done.

Also too I was hoping that my leg would be in better shape or at least not hurting as much by now since it has been close to six weeks since my last injection.  I will admit it has improved some but I was hoping for a lot more.   I was speaking to my neighbor last week and she even said, just walk to the mailbox, which is right around the corner of where I live.  And you know what she is right.  I even read about this other woman’s blog of how she just started out by just moving for 30 seconds a day.  I just need to do it.  I need to just get moving. 

Also too I am concerned about my dad.  I went to see him yesterday and all he did was just sit in his wheelchair and stare and then close his eyes.  He did tell me he was very tired and didn’t feel too well.  Sometimes I think he gets depressed because he was the type of man to be constantly on the go.  And now he is just about all the time in his room at the nursing home.  I need to think of something for him, something that he would like and get him out of there, even if it is for just an hour or two.   Maybe I might plan a picnic.  The grounds of where the nursing home is very nice and I feel being outdoors should do him some good.  I think I will check it out with my sister.

Well, I just finished with my breakfast and need to start with my work.   We been having some serious storms here, I hope that they are over with and look forward to seeing some sunshine again.

Until later………………