Day 213 Afraid to move

Another weekend gone.   Another day passes.  And with all this time, well I am still not moving the way I should be.  Why?  I wonder that myself many times.  Am I afraid? Am I that lazy?  Is it because I don’t want to be in pain?  Will this leg every get better?  I just don’t know the answer. 

I just finished reading this woman’s blog and O M G, I felt as if she was speaking to me directly.  I am beginning to believe that God has put me on her path.  To read and even feel her emotions, feelings, spirit of all she has been through.  But no matter what she continues to push through it all.  My goodness such strength she has.  Where does it come from?  I too want that strength, the motivation.  Honestly the ladies from TOPS state that I have it but there are many times I don’t feel it.  The ladies stated that they love the energy I give them but again I don’t feel it.  Am I faking it?  I still wonder.

Saturday my kids had a barbeque at their house.  As I was leaving my house, my neighbor peeked out her window to say HI and then stated how good I looked.  Don’t get me wrong it was great to hear this, all the work that I am doing but for some odd reason, I just felt she was being nice.  Like I didn’t believe it.  While at the kids house, a friend of theirs, nice kid (I really shouldn’t be saying kid, they are all around the age of 24) but anyhow, the young man stated how good I was looking, that he could see that I had lost a lot of weight.  Again it felt good hearing it but again I felt it wasn’t good enough.  I have so far to go and thinking will I ever get there.  Can I do this?  Am I looking too far ahead?   I sometimes feel I should just quit now.  I probably just need to stay in the present but can’t seem to shake this feeling that I haven’t done enough.  But then reading her blog, well it really touched me.  I just need to keep going.  Just do it.  I need to move more, perhaps that will help my head, feelings, emotions. 

As she put it, I need to just walk to the mailbox and back.

Until later…………………

Day 208 So much l need to do, now to just DO IT

It is just funny how the time just flies by.  This past week sure did.  Well the engagement party that my daughter gave at my house was a huge success.  Her brother and his fiancée were very happy.  Her menu was superb.  She worked very hard at it.  I am grateful that the weather was absolutely beautiful.  The back patio was certainly crowded.  It seems that everyone had a good time.  Now for this Saturday, her and her fiancé are having a barbeque at their house, such the party givers.

Today I am a bit bummed out, seems that our girls weekend away is going to be cancelled.  I was looking so forward to spending time with my best and dear girlfriends for the weekend.  But if anything this year my hubby is supposed to take me away overnight, so at least I have something to look forward to.

I can’t believe how quickly the days are going by.  It is like wow September is more than half over.  The colder months are approaching fast.

Last Thursday at TOPS I proposed to the ladies of trying to do 1200 calorie per day for one week.  I followed this man’s blog and that is what he is doing with a bunch of other people.  He is so right about eating less and doing more.  It is the simplest but yet very hard to do.  I have done it before but staying committed is the hard part.  At first I thought it would be hard but picking out the right foods, which I may add is very healthy for you, is the right road and yes it is NOT hard to do.  But with all these temptations around and processed food around and being lazy all comes into play here.  I am hoping that with the cooler weather and the parties all calming down, well I am hoping I can get myself into gear of what NEEDS to be done.

Also too I was hoping that my leg would be in better shape or at least not hurting as much by now since it has been close to six weeks since my last injection.  I will admit it has improved some but I was hoping for a lot more.   I was speaking to my neighbor last week and she even said, just walk to the mailbox, which is right around the corner of where I live.  And you know what she is right.  I even read about this other woman’s blog of how she just started out by just moving for 30 seconds a day.  I just need to do it.  I need to just get moving. 

Also too I am concerned about my dad.  I went to see him yesterday and all he did was just sit in his wheelchair and stare and then close his eyes.  He did tell me he was very tired and didn’t feel too well.  Sometimes I think he gets depressed because he was the type of man to be constantly on the go.  And now he is just about all the time in his room at the nursing home.  I need to think of something for him, something that he would like and get him out of there, even if it is for just an hour or two.   Maybe I might plan a picnic.  The grounds of where the nursing home is very nice and I feel being outdoors should do him some good.  I think I will check it out with my sister.

Well, I just finished with my breakfast and need to start with my work.   We been having some serious storms here, I hope that they are over with and look forward to seeing some sunshine again.

Until later………………

Day 200 Why am I allowing other people get into my head

Wow I can’t believe that I have had this blog for 200 days.  I know it is probably not a long time especially compared to others but….I am surprised that I kept up with it.  Anyway…

Last Thursday at TOPS my weight stayed the same.  Believe me I am thankful but I know what I had done and it wasn’t the right doings so to speak.  I really can’t explain it but my weekends are my weakest points.  Why do I cave in?  Why do I allow myself to overeat?  I really need to wrap my head more into myself. 

Also too I am allowing things that people are telling me bother me more than they need to.  I feel sometimes that whatever someone should tell me, well I am taking it so much to heart that I begin to wonder why they said something to me.  I really much rather not know anything. 

I know the above paragraph probably doesn’t make any sense, but I have no other way to explain it.

Like even this one woman from TOPS, she is an older woman, retired and trys very hard to keep busy.  Well sometimes I feel she just wants to be leader, which she has reminded me several times already that she was many years ago. She complains to me, gives her opinion of how things should be run; now she is giving me her ideas of how we should play games at the meetings.  I’m trying very hard to be kind and considerate but also trying to get my point across that these meetings are for the people who need/want a place to express their feelings, reach out for help and support.  Trying to tell her that these meetings are not like a classroom (she reminds every opportunity that she was a teacher for a very long period of time). I tell her that we are adults, here for encouragement, information etc.   I don’t know what she wants from me.  Honestly, she is getting on my nerves and if she should keep this up, well once my term is up, I will give it up.  I really don’t need this kind of aggravation.  I have plenty of other things that need my attention and such.  I don’t have the time to do all that I wish.  I did write an email explaining my feelings and opinions of have I feel the meeting should be run; also I try to be compassionate to her feelings.  I guess I will see if she should write back.

Well last night I went shopping with my daughter to get majority of the items needed for the engagement party that she is throwing at my house for her brother and future sister-in-law.  All I can say is that she is in complete control with this all.  She did show me the menu and it looks pretty simple but nice.  The only thing that I am concerned about is rain.  My house is really not that big and I was hoping that many people would be outside in the patio area where there is plenty of space and such.  But again I can’t control the weather, so we shall see.

Again I am trying to stay within the 1200 calorie range per day.  During the week I am drinking over 64 close to 100 ounces of fluid.  Let’s see what Thursday brings for me.

Almost quitting time, after work today I need to head up to Target and get some extra large bins, I primary use these to hold soda and beer.  I really don’t have extra large coolers.  This works just as well.

Well need to run to the ladies room and then shut things down here at my desk.

Still working 4 days a week.  I love having the 3 day weekend.  I will hate when it ends.

Until later…………..

Day 189 Wanting to stay in a good place

Well yesterday was TOPS night and I am happy to report that I lost another 2.75 pounds bringing my total weight into the next tens.  I am happy.  During this week I felt really focused and strong.  Now I just want to stay in this good place.  Don’t’ know why but I fear of falling off.  I haven’t (or least not yet) but I wonder if I can stay true with myself and not slip and start giving myself excuses.

With following another blog, like I have stated in a previous blog, he has challenged a group of people to eat 1200 calories per day.  Embarrassed or I should say fear of failure I have not joined his group publicly, I have joined privately.  This way no one would know if I failed, only me.

One good thing about this feeling/attitude is that I am trying to spread this so call mo-jo to my TOPS group.  Hopefully the motivation will be accepted.

As for the weekend, well nothing really happening.  No plans to go anywhere, even though the hubby and kids are going to a concert on Sunday and Monday.  I have no desire to go, why??  Only because I don’t care for the entertainer.  I do wish them to have a good time.   I just sometimes wish that hubby would like to do something with me, something that I would like to do, but I guess for right now, it just is not happening.

I just finished reading another blog of this woman who has gone through so much and has lost a tremendous amount of weight.  Well today she wrote about isolation.  She really puts her feelings out there.  Well she got me thinking and I thought YES that is how I feel sometimes.  Isolated, alone, even when hubby is here I still feel alone.  Is it because we have lost interest in each other?  I do understand that we are in a new stage of our lives, meaning that the kids are out and on their own.  Do we need to readjust again?  Do we need to re-introduce ourselves and see and find out who we are?  Or is it we are just used to each other.  Feed off each other’s emotions.  Have we become too, too comfortable with each other?  Have we lost the energy? Is it because we are older?  Many questions go through my head.  I truly want him to be happy but then I stop myself, what about me?  Am I happy?  I honestly don’t know. 

I actually thought the other day, am I going through menopause, even though my period has stopped many years ago.  I still do have periodically have those horrible hot flashes but I never went through as some women do with the mood swings and terrible attitude.  Am I going through it now?  Am I one of those women?

This is something that I need to talk to my GYN; thank goodness I have an appointment next month for my annual check-up.

Only thing that I am really trying real hard is to stay in this one good place, and that place is my relationship with food.  It is fuel for my body and nothing else.  I want to get away from it for comfort.  I need to find another comfort zone.

Until later……………

Day 186 Trying not to fail

This past week and weekend I have been reading another blog.  This man, well he can be very blunt and crude but I must admit he is honest and to the point.  I have been reading his blog for some time now.  I also will admit that he is funny, I guess in an odd way, but he does make me laugh at times with his stories.  The only thing is that I won’t comment on his blog in fear of humiliation, which if he feels that you are not doing it right, that really isn’t it, if you are BS yourself through your blog and giving hints, suggestions about losing weight, well he will call you out on it.   I certainly don’t do these things but I don’t know, I guess I just don’t want to become one his posts like he has done with others.  Anyhow, he has started a challenge with a bunch of people, stating to only eat 1200 calories per day.  Obviously it must be healthy and full of nutrients but must be no more than 1200 calories.  So I was thinking if this group of people can do why can I?  Also too I didn’t sign up because I am afraid of failure.  Lasting for 10 weeks is a long time. I don’t know if I have it in me.  So rather than disappoint him or I should say me, I decided to give it a try on my own.   Why am I hiding, believe me I have asked this question to myself many times over and over and I still don’t have an answer. 

Yesterday was the first day and I will admit, the thought of only 1200 calories made me think, wow I know I will be hungry, will I last even the day.  But the more I thought of it I thought why not.  I must stop thinking such negative thoughts especially of failure.  Anyway I made sure that I planned my meals.  One thing for sure is that I love, love My Fitness Pal, it certainly makes life much easier.  And you know what???  I made it through the day with the 1200 calories plus drank my 64 ounces of water.  I know I should be drinking more fluids but for me I need to work up to that.  For some reason if I drink too much fluid I almost get to the point of vomiting.  So in this area I need to work up to it.  Hopefully in a few days I might be able to get to about 80-90 ounces. Truthfully I need to be drinking around 135 ounces per day. 

When I woke up this morning I felt really good, knowing that I did it.  Now I am moving onto day number two.  For me right now chewing gum is helping me a lot.   Even with working 10 and half hours a day plus with a 1 hour commute each way, I did not slack with my selection of food.  Right now I am very pleased with myself and I want to continue this journey.

Maybe there is hope for me after all.

Until later……….

Day 179 Getting back to norm is good

Feeling good and feeling good helps keep me on track.  I sometimes wonder about why I allow my emotions get the best of me.  I always thought of myself as a strong person, maybe in support for others but maybe not for myself.  Why do I caved in and almost give up.  Maybe deep down I feel that I am a failure?  Can’t explain it and it does bother me at times.  For me I just push it aside and try not to think of it.  But many people have stated that you need to dig deep and face those emotions.  Try to conquer them.  Gosh it is really hard.

Well I will admit I was quite surprised on Thursday at TOPS.  I thought for sure that I had gained but I lost.  Another 1.25 pounds.  Not much but I will take it.  Now I just want to lose another 2 pounds and I will be in the next set of tens.   Also too we have new people joining our group, which is awesome.  We are actually getting to the point where we may have no more seats left.

Saturday my daughter and I went dress hunting for me for her wedding.  We had a great time.  Just spending the day with her was priceless.  We actually went to this one shop that houses only plus size dresses and of course had my favorite line, Catherina by Jordan.  I did see some of the dresses that I saw online but as the saying goes, nothing is better than seeing it in real life.  Funny as it seems but the dress that will probably be the one is one that I never pick.  Below is a picture of it.

                                     

Now I just need to decide what color.  I originally was going to stay in the brown family but her future mother in law took over that color.  Even though we had discussed colors and she told me that she was going to go in the green family.  Well next thing I know she supposedly got her dress and it is some type of brown.  Thanks so much lady……so it looks like I may go in the red family.  The wedding is in October, so my daughter is sticking with fall colors.  My daughter took a picture of me in the dress, I think I look not too bad but my daughter thinks I look really good.  I showed the picture to a few dear girl friends and they said the same.  I am hoping to still lose more weight.  Deep down I just don’t want to embarrass my daughter.

Now I am just waiting to hear what colors my future daughter in law wants to have and then it will be another hunt for another dress.

These kids are sure keeping my hopping.  The only thing that really bothered me on Saturday was for some reason my leg was hurting real bad.  I really didn't think we did a lot of walking but my shin was screaming with pain.  I am finished with my shots and don’t go back to the doctor until September 27^th.  I certainly hope things get better with this leg.  So much I want to do but limited with it.

This coming Saturday hubby and I are going to meet my future daughter in law’s parents.  One of her cousins is having an engagement party for them and having the family there.  Should be nice.  I was very happy when hubby came home and said he does not have to work on Saturday.  This way we will be on time instead of being late.  I hate arriving to events late. 

Just finished my breakfast and need to start with my work.

Praying that today is a good day, not only with food but being productive too.

Until later…………….

Day 174 I think I am back in control

Well I have made it through this week, working the 10 hours each day so I can have off tomorrow.

It has been a bit of a struggle but it is all good.

As for my food, well I have done pretty well except for two days.  Like usually I have caved in.  Tuesday here at work they celebrated birthdays, so I had some cake. We do it once a month. Then for Wednesday, I went out with a co-worker/friend and had some pizza.  So with those two days put me over my calorie limit each day.

Today I am looking forward to seeing the ladies from TOPS tonight.  I have really missed them.  Tonight I have planned to discuss portion control.  I went to Party City and bought 9 ounce cups.  I plan on giving them out and challenging them to prepare their plates with only one cup of whatever they made for dinner.  Even if they had prepared items as mash potatoes, Mac and cheese, whatever.  I want to instruct them to eat just that plate, when finished to really think and feel of how they feel.  Are they satisfied, are they truly still hungry.  I came across this idea through an article I had read, where someone measure just one cup of everything they ate.  If anything this may give a better visual on portions.  As for myself, I know I need this lesson.  So I hope that there may be a few who will like the idea.

Below are some of the dresses that hopefully Saturday my daughter and I will try to go out and see them.  These seemed to be my favorites, at least looking at them on the computer.

I hope that we have some luck.  Should be fun and I hope the day is nice, even though they are calling for bad weather.  At least not too bad because we do have a bit of traveling to do.   Ah time will tell.

Until later………….