Day 66

Finally taking a moment to reflect over this weekend.  Pop seems to be doing a little bit better and I am exhausted.  I don't know why but I have it in my mind that when someone is ill, sick and especially in the hospital and such that I have it in my head that I must visit every day.  Also too, on top of that I have it in my head that others should be feeling and doing the same.  So when my sister stated that she wasn't going to visit him that she needed a day off, etc.  I became hurt and angry.  I got in it in my head that much needs to be done; he needs to be cared for, etc.  I know he is in good hands in the re-hab section of where he resides.  I know he is getting around the clock service, supervision, feed, etc.  Then why do I feel so so obligated to do more???  By the time Saturday rolled around I was just feeling so exhausted.  My brother-in-law stated on Friday that when he was doing just fine, that I would see him during the week possible once or maybe twice.  He stated doing that is fine.  Most important if there was something that Pop needed or whatever, he would call.  My brother-in-law is right and I am trying to listen and do what he said.  Anyhow, I worked my butt off on Saturday to try to catch up with just the usual cleaning that hadn't been done for a while.  By the end of the day I was more tired.  One highlight of the weekend was my son called to find out what hubby and I were doing Saturday night; I just answered nothing just relaxing if possible.  He proceeded to stated that he and his girlfriend were going to stop over and for me to NOT make any dinner.  They finally showed up around 7:30 with in hand a full dinner from Boston Market.  It was so sweet of them and it was a lovely visit.  I must admit when I get a visit from either of my children, it just brightens up my day.  So to top that off much later my daughter calls and asks if she can stay the night.  Seems that one of her girlfriends (actually one of her bridesmaids) was celebrating her birthday.  Her girlfriend lives very near and was attending one of the pubs/clubs near us.  Of course I said yes.....so my visits were doubled. 
Once I took my daughter back home the next day (keep in mind she doesn't drive) I returned back home.  Then I started to reflect on the weekend and of course Pop came to my mind.  Couldn't stop so I went to visit him.  After that I came home and I cannot explain what came over me, I was hungry and didn't want to take the time to make anything, so what do I do but grab the 1/2 gallon of ice cream.  A bit of it was gone from the top, but it was just about full.  Well I grab it whole, no bowl just a spoon and sat in front of the TV and ate the WHOLE THING.....YUP...that was me the whole thing.  Afterwards I felt so guilty and wanted to hide it....keep in mind hubby was working and I was home alone.  I knew he would find out and I didn't want him to tease me, but there was nothing I could do.  Well I could have gone out to replace it and he would have known no better but I was just too too tired.

Anyhow I know I allow my emotions, being tired, being hurt and angry is what drove me to do stupid things and make stupid choices.  This stupid feeling has been with me all day.  I am thinking to myself and I am a "leader" ?????   WTF.....such a hypocrite telling others to stay motivate, stay focused and look what I do....HA....I certainly would laugh real hard in my face......   I know I am only human but I need to get back with my good feeling about myself.  I need to remind myself that no matter what I can do for others but must do for myself FIRST....I need to remind myself that if others cannot accept this, well too bad, well not really but hope that they really do understand.......I can only pray......
Still feeling a bit tired but a bit better.  I tracked my food for today and will do for the rest of the week.  I can only hope and pray that my damages are not that severe.

Until later....................

Day 63

Thank goodness it is Friday......I so need to get some rest.  Well Pop is finally situated at the retirement home he resides in.  He is actually in the re-hab unit which is in the nursing home section.  I certainly hope and pray that this will help him get some of his strength back which he so desperately needs.  They have told my sister and I that hopefully in another week he will be evaluated to see how he is doing and then we will meet with some of the social workers to determine what type of care he will need.  It has come to the conclusion that he can no longer be independent especially with his dementia.  Which unfortunately is slowly getting worse.  The doctors stated that they can not do anything more for him.  He is already on medication for this and that there is no other, or stronger dose for him.  It is so sad to see him struggle sometimes to remember things.  But I am trying to take one day at a time with him and trying to make them enjoyable and happy for him and for me.

Well last night I have officially become the leader of our TOPS chapter.  It was such a nice ceremony.  So I now need to start planning my future meetings.  I only hope and pray that I watch my mouth.  I certainly have the tendency to not think first before I speak.  I never have the intentions of hurting anyone but sometimes what I mean to say comes out in a different way and then the other person takes it completely different.  Not that I said anything last night but this one woman stated that she gained 5 pounds over two weeks and can't understand why.  She stated that she watches what she eats and even this last week hardly ate because she had her grandchild, (she just became a grandmother for the first time).  I have suggested in the past just write it down to see exactly what you are eating, but she stated that she doesn't like to do that, that it is wasting her time, etc.  I really like her and she is so nice but I feel she is not being honest.  I don't know I need to think about it some more, maybe I might get lucky and something will come up in my head, a good way to approach this type of situation.  All I want to do is help.  I am going to give it a couple of weeks and see what happens.  Maybe I just need for them to really see what kind of job I am doing and maybe I will approach her privately.  I don't know but with the grace of God, maybe he will clear a path for her and me. 

With everything going on this past week and with my horrible eating habits, or horrible food selection, I was surprised that I stayed the same.  I am so so grateful for that.  Oh and yesterday I actually came up with an idea which I hope I can start shortly.  My problem with exercising is my legs or I should say my knee.  I can only walk a short distance before the pains starts and makes it difficult.  I would do so much better if I had something to hold onto, like a stroller or a cart.  Well I don't have any grandchildren, at least not now and I don't know anyone with a baby to ask if I could take them for a walk.  But I was thinking I could use a cart.  So why not take a trip to the supermarket and walk around and just buy a pack of gum.  Or why not take a cart and go to Lowe's, walk around and just buy some washers.  I kinda wish the mall had carts, I would then go window shopping.  I thought it was a good idea.  I hope I am able to get some time real soon, as soon as I get Pop all situated and then go off and do my thing.  I know that would certainly help me with my journey, and who to say, I probably maybe get some more strength in my legs. 

Well people are beginning to come in and I have plenty of reports that need to get done today.

Until later...............

Day 61

Seems that dad is going to be released today.  He has qualified for re-hab at the center which I believe will help him tremendously.  Not too much to say here.  I am exhausted but relieved.  I am a bit upset with some family but I have no control over them nor their feelings.  I am trying real hard to let it all go.  I just need to be with peace with myself and then things will be alright.  I also need to make some more calls in regards about Pop.

Funny thing yesterday, I needed to run home because speaking with hubby, our dog, Max is also sick. Seems he has some type of stomach bug, which in turn, he has diarrhea.  So hubby tells me he didn't go this morning and feared he may go in the house.  So before I went to see Pop at the hospital, I went home and oh boy....did I have some "nice" presents in my dining room.  So I had to clean that up.  Before I came home I stopped at Wawa to get Pop a newspaper and something to eat, while there I was hungry so not thinking at all and just wanted it and I bought a small bag of Doritos.  As I was leaving, my neighbor was out and came over to speak to me.  Told her about my dad and proceeded to eat some Doritos, and she saw them and hollered at me (nicely though) and took my bag away from me.  I instantly felt like a little kid doing something wrong.....but she is right, she asked why am I eating these.....that is junk.....she is so right......I am glad.....afterwardsI had a small bowl of fruit.  It is so nice to have people around you that know what you are trying to do...meaning as trying to get healthy. 

Well time to get moving with my reports.

Until later............

Day 60

Well the saga continues with my dad.  The social worker from dad's doctor really feels that dad can not continue with his current livings conditions,which is independent living.  They are suggesting he becomes assisted living.  Seems that dad is forgetting to take his meds or re-arrange his schedule.  Dad is going to be transferred tomorrow to re-hab, where they feel he needs so he can get some of his strength back.  So my sister and I need to meet with his social worker, hopefully soon.  I don't know when yet because once he is transferred he will be assessed on his condition, then we will meet with the person. 

Again I was exhausted from yesterday.  But I seem to have a better control with my eating.  I actually logged everything that went into my mouth.  And I was a tad bit under total calories allowed.  Also too, (this might be TMI) but with all that is going on it is now affecting me phsycially (meaning bathroom issues).  I am trying to be strong but I have no control with my body when issues come up.  Certainly not the right way to lose weight....for sure.

My main concern is how Dad will take the transition from independent to assisted living.  I pray he will adjust well and comfortable.  We will only see.  What also bothers me is his attitude.  Almost can see his will is fading and that is what really bothers me.  I can only pray that, if anything that will improve.

Until later..................

Day 59

Wow, where do I start?  This has been one crazy and exhausting weekend.  Plus it certainly was not good.  OK, I started Saturday bright and early.  I had to take Pop to the hospital for him to have blood work done.  He needed to fast, so it was early.  Afterwards I took him out for breakfast.  He actually ate pretty well. Then he proceeded to tell me that he wanted to go food shopping at Giant.  On the way there, he complained that the housekeeping staff took all of his undershirts and that he needed new ones, (don't believe that story but) so he insisted that we go to Forman Mills outlet.  While in the store I noticed he was holding onto anything he could as he walked.  I became concerned and told him to stay here by a empty counter and I would pay for the stuff.  Once I got him to the car, I wanted to take him back home but again angrily he insisted that we go to the food store because he needed some things.  So off we go, dropped him off at the door and then went and parked.  Once I got in the store I noticed how he was walking fast and practically leaning so much on one side while pushing the cart.  That I grabbed him and commanded him to sit down at the cafe.  Once I got him settled I proceeded to shop for him.  I just wanted to get him home.  Which finally happened.  Did some cleaning for him and once I got home I immediately called my sister.  I told her everything that had happened and also told her that we really need to put more attention to him and need to visit him more often.  Also that his apartment is a total mess and we need to straighten it out.  She agreed.  Anyhow that was Saturday.  Now onto Sunday, I tried calling Pop in the early afternoon, just past lunchtime and there was no answer.  I kind of figured he was out on the main floor of the retirement home he resides in.  So I continued with my ironing and wanted to fix some clothing pieces of mine.  So around 3:50 in the afternoon, I got a phone call from the hospital.  And yes Pop is there.  Seems that his blood work from Saturday got back to his diabetic doctor and his sugar levels were over 600 points and that he wanted Pop to go to the hospital immediately.  So what does Pop do, being Sunday he went to church then went to the hospital.  Not only that he still didn't eat and obviously did not take his insulin.  So at the hospital his blood sugar was way over 700 points this time.  So of course I immediately went over and called my sister.  By the time we left his sugar was down to 245 points.  Pop will be staying in the hospital for at least a few days to get his sugar under control.  By the time I got home I was starving and therefore I ate 1 and a half sandwiches.  One would have been fine but I allow my emotions take over.  Because once I ate that, after a brief period I didn't feel well.  Why do we allow to destroy ourselves?  I slept OK but I do feel a bit tired.  Today I am going to leave work a tad bit earlier so I can get to the hospital as soon as I get home.  I certainly do not feel like working at all.  I really just want to sleep.  This might be a bit selfish but I hope all of this does not interfere with Thursday night.  Only God knows what will happen.

Got loads of work to get done but I am grateful that the boss is out today.

Until later............

Day 56

Well, sis and I got Pop to the doctors and he really isn't doing that well.  Tomorrow I need to take him to the hospital for a series of blood work and tests.  Hopefully maybe something may show and then we can try to correct those problems.  The doctor feels that his dementia is getting worse.  My sister is suppose to call the psychologist and make an appointment.  Seems that the doctor feels it may help a bit.  I can only pray.

As for last night, well that was a bummer too.  I thought I was doing pretty well, but the scale didn't show it for sure.  I gained 1 pound.  The one pound that I wanted so bad that I could reach my total of fifty.  Well that certainly didn't happen.  For a split moment, I actually felt...what the hell.....I should go home and get that half a gallon of ice cream and so what....screw the world and me.  But then I thought I have come this far that I am not going to blow it.  Even though I thought it again.  I keep reminding myself that I am much stronger than that.  Also too, I really need to get in my head about exercising.  I absolutely hate it.  And most of all I really use my knee as a big...big excuse.  I really need to overcome that.  This really should be my main concentration or focus.  I know exercise is a big factor in trying to lose weight and become more healthy.  Why am I making so many excuses?  I really need to push through this.  Maybe I will talk to hubby about this.  He really isn't a great support but maybe talking with him will make him realize of how badly I want this and he may push me more.  I don't know, but I need to try. 

As of right now in I am at work, well I really don't feel like it at all.  It is really a strain to concentrate on my work.  I just want so badly to be out of here.  I would just love to be at Lowe's getting some gardening stuff and then go home and spruce it all up.  All I can say is the clock is NOT moving fast enough for me.

Well, I have my mail to go through and I need to try harder.

Until later.............

Day 55

Finally the day is almost over.  I kind of dreaded today because my sister and I took off from work to take our dad to the doctors.  He needed to get evaluated because of the past two weeks of episodes that had occured with him.  Doctor is checking him for an urinary tract infection.  Seems that if he does have this, that an UTI can cause dementia to show worse than it is.  This is no denying that he has dementia but he has show more signs of it being worse.  If the test comes back negative, we need to address the next step with this disease.  This next step is going to be very difficult.  Mainly because we feel that dad will not accept the possibility of moving from independent to assist living.  Also too he will need to give up driving, which truthfully I fear him driving but I really don't know what to do. So after the doctors we went to see my son, who doesn't live far from there.  We then all went out to the diner for something to eat.  I believe dad enjoyed himself.  Afterwards we went back to my son's house.  Then to finish off the day we took him shopping for a few things, then headed back to his apartment.  I finally got home just about the same time I would from work.  Funny I feel more exhausted from all of this than from work.  Not that it is much more of physical but it was a very emotional drain. 

Now I am just  sitting and relaxing before my meeting for tonight.  I am so hoping to lose at least one pound to make my fifty.

Saturday I need to take dad to the hospital for some blood work and then I thought I would take him out for breakfast.  He enjoys so much going out for a ride and also going out for eating.  Oh as for today, I think I choose pretty wisely for my meal.  I stayed away from the salt shaker.  Also I got a nice omelet with asparagus and Swiss cheese.  Usually I love (which I still do) love the omelet with potatoes, sausage, onions, peppers and cheese. So this time no sausage and no potatoes.

Maybe just maybe I am getting a bit better with this.  This would be so awesome and such a break through for me.  I certainly hope so.

Well time to freshen up and get ready for the big weigh in.

Until later......