Day 127

Another day of heat, I am grateful though I am not going anywhere today and I can stay in with the central air blasting.  

Yesterday was hard but with the grace of god, we managed through it all.  With my sister and our husbands we were able to remove all of his belongings from the assisted living apartment, (which is now stored all in my garage) and now have him settled in his room of the nursing home.  I am extremely grateful that he was in really good spirits and seems to understand everything that is going on.

I am hoping that I can get a few items and spruce them up (like some pictures and such) and begin to make his room more homey, some memorable items and comfortable for him.  We met some of the staff and they seem very nice and concern for his wellbeing.  I honestly did not think it would have come to this.  My dad has always been an independent (especially since my mom past 16 years ago) and strong man.  It sometimes doesn’t seem real that he has lost his strength.  I pray that he just doesn’t lose his will.  I understand that he is over 91 years old but to see all of this happening in just several months is hard.

There is still much that needs to be done though.  Next week I need to meet with the social worker/administrator to finalize his finances and such.  Also I need to cancel many utilities and such (like his phone, cable, credit cards, etc.) as he will no longer need these.

Even with yesterday drooling heat, I still was able to attend a beef and beer benefit for a friend’s son.  Just hanging out with my dear friends was a treat in itself and I enjoyed myself very much.

Now I need to move forward with going through many bags with my dad’s stuff and figure out what to do with the furniture.  Need to dispose of a whole apartment of things.  Which I must add is taking up my entire garage.  With such little notice of moving him, we were unable to sort through, so we had no choice but to shove everything in big plastic bags.  It is amazing how an older person can hoard so much stuff.  Believe he did, he was hiding many things in closets and such.  Some items just made my sister and I laugh, like why in the world did he have this, (like he had multiple cleaning products, it wasn’t like he was cleaning, the facility where he lived had housekeeping come in his apartment every week and they brought their own stuff).  Any way there is a lot of bags to re-examine.

I am trying hard to stay on my health trail.  It has been hard.  As for Thursday, I gained another pound, which I am NOT happy about.  I need to stay a bit more focused on me.  I have been just grabbing anything to munch on and that is not good.  I have worked so hard to lose this weight and I cannot allow, even with heart wrenching life interruptions, which should be no excuse to binge.  So with today and tomorrow I am going to try to concentrate on me.  Try to plan my week ahead.  Fortunately, I only need to work Monday and Tuesday then I am off for the rest of the week.  I am hoping to make a dent with the garage and also get plenty of things in order with the house. 

Also too I am hoping to try some new recipes that are low calorie/low carb.  Don’t’ know if I do get to it, but want to try this recipe of a cauliflower pizza crust.  Just the picture alone looks yummy. 

Well I best be moving on, I have tons of paper work and all this week’s mail to look through and sort.

Hoping to stay cool and away from the kitchen for today.

Until later………………

Day 124

Still feeling kinda blue in regards about my dad, saw him again yesterday with my sister.  He is in such pain with his leg, but if anything I am glad that my sister and I are finally getting some answers and hopefully some results for him.  Last night they took some x-rays to see if by any chance he has any fractures, and also to see if by any chance he has gout?  Today they are to take blood to see if there is any inflammation in the blood, I guess for rheumatoid arthritis.  Hopefully soon I will hear when his appointment will be with the orthopedic doctor.  With speaking with the nurse from his primary, they highly suggest that no cortisone shot be given due to inflating his sugar levels, (he is diabetic) so in turn they are hoping that the orthopedic doctor may give him a synvisc shot.  This is the same shot/procedure that I am waiting to be approved for.  I certainly don’t understand insurances…for sure.

If they don’t’ do anything for him, well this will do him in.  He is in so much pain, that he is now longer moving, just constantly lying in bed and now he is not eating much.  He claims that he has no appetite. This is just breaking my heart.

Well onto some good news?  I had to see my primary to check up on my blood pressure.  Well he feels that it is doing good, even though it is slightly up from the last time, he feels with the pain in the leg and all of the stress with my dad, well he thinks I am doing well.  But atlas I still need to stay on the medication.  As for my weight, the doctor is very pleased.  Since my last visit I am down another four pounds.  Very slowly it is coming off but it is coming off.  Doctor also stated that with the weight coming down, he feels that I will be off the meds plus also that I may go lower in my A1C blood test, which is for a sugar average.  Currently I am borderline, but this I definitely want to see come down.  Hopefully on my next visit, I should be getting another blood test but this one will include fasting for other types of tests. 

Now I just need to address the knee issues.  I am going to call today the orthopedic and try to find out, actually anything.  I just want to get this done and other with.

While reading another friend's blog, she stated in her posts about someone who made a speech and part of their speech commented on trying to do these five things:

3 gratitude’s

Journaling

Exercise

Meditation

Random acts of kindness

So I am going to try to do these.  As for the meditation, well, I never really done this but there is always a time to learn.

So here goes:  

3 gratitude’s

I am thankful that I am feeling well.

I am thankful for the wonderful people in my life

I am thankful for those who love me and I get to love so many back.

Now as for the journaling well that is now done, As for the exercise, well I hope someone would hold me accountable because I was just thinking today, actually this morning while coming into work, that I am going to try to pull the treadmill out of the mud room and drag it into the rec room and see if I can get it hooked up and possible just use it for ten minutes.  Maybe, just maybe with holding on I can walk for ten minutes and possibly get my knee a bit stronger.  Can’t hurt until I try.

Now to work on the last one………….

Until later…………………….

Day 123

I don't know why but I think I have been avoiding writing.  Sometimes I think that my writing/journaling is dumb, useless, boring (not so much in regards about others reading it but when I re-read it, just stating what I have done, etc.)  Do I really lead such a boring life?  I read others and how that have those AHA moments and such.  Will I really have one?  There are times I "think" I am having one, but really am I?  Then there are other times that I think that I "over think" or analysis too much, is this normal?  What is normal?

One thing that I am sure about is my faith.  I am always talking to god and I guess to myself too.  Trying to reassure things to myself and such.  And as usually, I beleive this with many people, especially when things are not so good, we all have mutiple conversations with ourselves and god to try to understand why such things are happening and to ease the coping of the situation. 

For me right now, it is many things that are going on.  First is my dad, seems that he is not doing well, and I am so mad with all the doctors, nurses, socal worker, etc.  Doesn't anyone do their job?  My sister and I must contact everyone just to hear the results, or recommendations or whatever his progress is.  Even though we request to be updated, but no one lets us know.  And also trying to get answers is like pulling teeth.  Yesterday I went to visit him and just looking at him looking at me, well you could see it in his eyes.  Just wanting some help, knowing he couldn't do it on his own.  I just felt helpless and just didn't know what to say to him.  We both just spent time just lightly smiling and looking at each other.  I called my sister later that night and told her all about it.  I kinda am getting the feeling that he may be just giving up on life.  I don't know.   I do know that it is hurting real bad right now.

As for TOPS, I want to get into it but it is very hard.  I am trying to motivate but having a lot of trouble with even just myself.  How can I motivate others if I am not.  Another hard obstacle.  As with last week's weigh in I gained 1.5 pounds.  I am trying so hard to watch but as the day wears by I lose the momentum minute by minute.  Why can't I stay on track?  I know what needs to be done. Then I have times that I feel that I just don't care...what is the point?  I hate feeling like this.

Now for my leg, well of course I still haven't heard anything from either the doctors office nor the medical insurance to see if they have approved the medications.  Ah another complaint with the system.  We work so hard for ourselves and our families and again we need to push through all the junk to get ourselves heathier, better, etc.   I am so tired with all the BS.

Maybe that is my problem....just plain tired.  Not that I am saying that I want others to do for me, but just that people would do their jobs.  I believe that they would want the same.  There are time I just don't get it.

Well anyway I am going to try my best to get back on the saddle and do what must be done for ME.

Here is hoping and praying that I will achieve this all.

Until later........

Day 118

OMG....the heat is unbearable today, yesterday the temperature was in the mid 90's and today they are predicting 99 or better.  So for tonight at TOPS we will have only a weigh in because it is just too too hot in the parish hall, the room is closed and no air, it is stifling.  As for myself, well again I will be happy if I stay the same.  I have allowed too much emotional eating during this week.  Slowly the "I don't care" mood is creeping back inside of me.  I am allowing thoughts of my dad, my leg, (which has been really hurting a lot this week) get the best of me.  Once I get home, I am just sitting on my fat a$$ until it is time to go to bed. 

One thing that I am kinda proud of is that I finally called the orthopedic doctor and got the ball rolling for the procedure.  I have been avoiding this since February.  I am just so so scared but now the pain is overcoming me being scared.  This is my last alternative before surgery.  Plus the doctor stated that he highly recommends that I lose a large amount of weight before surgery.  When I last saw him and until now I am down another 19 pounds, so the weight is slowly coming off, but I still need another 50 pounds, I believe before I could have surgery.  This procedure is 3 injections (spread over three weeks) of this so called gel which is mainly made up from chicken fat?  This gel is to lubricate the joint and where ever this is a space put a cushion so that the bone will not be rubbing against bone.  It has been determined that I have no cartilage and also that my knee cap is severely damaged.  So with this procedure, hopefully it will work and will buy me some more time to lose more weight and also hopefully will allow me to be more mobile so I can at least do some walking, which in turn should help me lose more.  The only thing is that I have always been scared, afraid of needles my whole life.  I mean when it comes to that I have to, yes I do get them, but I just can't shake that feeling.  I literally become scared.  I know the pain is not much, but.......   I always felt that I was such a sissy and also thought it is probably that I can't take pain.....but with seeing three doctors in regards about my knee....they all have said that they are so surprised that I can even walk, with all this pain.  So ....  I just don't know why I get so hyped up about needles....  OK enough of that.....so I spoke to the office and now they are ordering the medication, once that is in, I will get scheduled for the three week procedure.  I am hoping that they can schedule me on Thursday evenings, this way I am home for three days.  They claim that when you get a shot you must rest the leg for 24 to 48 hours.  So getting it on Thursday will be perfect.  I hope it goes that way.

Right now I just don't want to do anything.....I do have plenty to do.  I would love to get moving and get back to my bedroom and just finish the darn thing....hopefully maybe once I get my knee better and can move around better, it will get done.

Well enough said and I need to get back to work....

Until later...............

Day 115

Wow last week sure did go by fast, but actually I am so glad.  Last week was very hectic and emotional.  Friday was the hardest day.  My sister, brother-in-law and I moved Pop's stuff out of his independent living apartment and downsized it all into a personal care living apartment.  So a lot of his stuff is now sitting in my garage, (I live 1 mile away from him).  So this was an all day event.  With constant walking back and forth from one apartment to the other.  And of course they were not near each other, as a matter of fact they were just about opposite ends.  So with all of that, they (the assistants from nursing/re-hab) bring my dad to the personal care unit.  The nurse then needed to talk with him and get all his vital signs.  So while there, Pop needed to show them that he could get around a bit on his own, well he couldn't.  Then they needed to bring nursing/re-hab folks down to talk to him and us.  Little did we know that the last two weeks Pop has been refusing therapy.  So with that he has become more weak and now can not support himself.  Also too we (my sister and I) have found out that he has been giving the staff a very hard time.  So with all of this, Pop is now BACK to re-hab and they and us have told him, if he doesn't comply with all that is needed that he will end up in full time nursing.  He has told us they he doesn't like it there (nursing home), so we tried to tell him that he needs to do what he is suppose to do.  So with all of that, my sister and I have finished setting him up in personal care and we went home exhausted.  On Saturday, I did just about nothing, my leg was screaming with all the walking, pulling and pushing and lugging stuff around and packing.  Honestly after the ordeal on Friday, I just didn't even want to talk to my father.  He just expects everyone around him to do whatever he wants.  He doesn't want to do anything but lay around and people should wait on him.  He just doesn't get it.  He feels that since he is paying them, they should wait on him hand and foot.  And when he doesn't get his way, he becomes mean, obnoxious, and screams out profanity and just calls you names you would never expect from someone.  We also found out that once he was so angry, for whatever I don't know, that he spitted at someone.  I don't know the situation but no one should ever do that.  There are so many times that I just feel so embarrassed to even say that he is my father.  It may seems wrong of me but even this weekend I couldn't even bring myself to call him because I just didn't want to hear his complaints and possible refusal to physical therapy.  I am going up today to see him.  I certainly hope to hear some good news.  My sister and I tried to talk to him on Friday, alone and really tried to get across the situation and that if he wanted out, he must do what is necessary and to also behave.  I know that he is old (91 years) but it is inexcusable of his actions.  His actions didn't just appear overnight neither, he has always been like this, unfortunately it just got worse as he aged, which he is no dummy, he has used his age for many excuses.  So many times I just wanted to walk away, have nothing to do with him but I can't let go the "he is my father" feeling.  I do have some love for him, probably because he is my father but I think that is all.  I certainly don't like him and haven't for a long time. 

So Sunday was a nice day.  Unfortunately hubby had to work but once he got home, all of the kids were there.  Hubby already told me what he wanted for dinner was simple but I will admit very fattening.  He wanted hot wings with french fries and pizza.  So that is exactly what we had.  I also made some desserts, fruit salad with dressing and the lemon/blueberry cake (low fat).  But then our son and his girlfriend (which I did find out that our son is going to propose in two weeks...wow..now I will have two weddings...don't really want to think about it right now) anyway they brought over hubby's favorite, apple pie and vanilla ice cream.  So we certainly had plenty of sweets.  And yes I did have some.  I must say again, not eating this way hardly, I can certainly feel that over full feeling, bloating and very very uncomfortable feeling.  I don't like it at all.  So I am definitely back on track.  Funny though, last night as we talked about Pop I realized that I was shoving food in my mouth and eating very fast.  I didn't even taste the food, just spoon after spoon filling my mouth.  I wish I had better control with this.  I guess this is one area that will need a lot of work.

Also too I told my sister that I must move on with me.  I have been putting off seeing the doctor in regards about my leg.  I was hurting so bad on Friday.  Also too I think I am using all of this as an excuse to not go.  I don't know why but I am so scared.  I know I have always been scared of needles but when it needs to be done, I face them.  But this time I am really avoiding this.  You see, my next alternative is to get three injections of this so called medicine.  Actually I have been told it is some type of gel.  Anyway the gel is injected into the knee and is suppose to lubricate and also make some type of cushion, so that the bone is not rubbing against the other bone.  I no longer have any cartilage left in my left knee.  Three doctors have already mentioned that they are surprised that I can even walk.  Which I can, but after about five minutes of walking then the pain starts again.  Also too all of the doctors have suggested that my type of exercise for me would be water aerobics.  As a matter of fact this weekend, a flyer from our local hospital, they also have a get well/fitness center, advertised about having water aerobics for seven weeks.  It is twice a week, Wednesdays and Fridays.  I am seriously thinking about it.  I know that this would help me so much in getting more weight off.  Now to just get over my body image, which I don't like, especially in a bathing suit.  I really need to push forward on this.

Oh and I almost forgot, I am so so grateful, with all the emotional eating this past week, I stayed the same with the scale.

Well the boss is still away, so hopefully I can get some work done.

Until later................

Day 109

Wow what a hectic week so far and it is only Tuesday.  Lots going on, not only at work but also at home.  As for work, well boss is away on vacation and another co-worker is away but returning tomorrow, (thank goodness) but for yesterday and today, I am their back up....lucky me.  And with that, that only means that my work is pushed to the side....again lucky me.

As for home, well Pop definitely needs personal care and therefore Sis and I must move him by Friday, because he is going to be discharged from Re-hab....if not, it will cost 301.00 per day to stay in re-hab until we move him into his new (shared apartment) in personal care.  Nothing like rushing things....eh???  So with work and also trying to make phone calls, like Pop's phone and cable and trying to get movers etc., well like I said it is hectic.  And tonight I need to go over to his independent apartment and need to start cleaning it out, with him going into a shared apartment he only needs his bedroom furniture, so with his living room and kitchen (which is supplied by the facility) is going to be transported to my house, looks like I lost the garage again...until we (the family) figure out what to do with it all.

I have been good yesterday and today with eating.  Actually I am trying real hard to watch especially with what I ate over the weekend at the two parties that I attended.  If anything I would just love to hold the same for this week.  I can only try.

Oh and I started a personal private group on face book with my TOPS chapter ladies, I am hoping I can get everyone on board with this.  This way I could try even more to motivate them and try to get them on the right road.  Some I feel are still being resistant but I will not stop.

So that is everything in a nutshell.....

Until later..................

Day 105

What a beautiful morning and I am just about to head out to do some shopping.  I need to get some things to help a dear friend with her daughter's graduation party for tomorrow.  I did come across this awesome center piece that I am going to copy.  It is a large fruit tray and in the middle you take several pineapples and cut the ends and then stack them up with ka-bob sticks and then on the top you put some palm leaves.  It looks like a palm tree, it is so cool.  I kinda wish I knew how to put pictures on here.  Someday I will learn.

As for last night at TOPS, well it was awesome.  First as a group we had a NO GAIN night....WOOHOO on that, plus I lost another 2.5 pounds.  I only need 1.5 pounds to go and I will be in the next lower tens.  How wonderful is that.....I am so so happy.  Deep down I really needed this and accomplishing that I hope will just push me even more.

Also too, I wore one of my much smaller sizes outfit.....it made me feel, well, kinda smaller, I would love to say skinny but nah I am not there yet.  I really felt good. 

Only thing that has me a bit down is that my sister got a phone call from the social worker from the facility that my dad lives.  Seems that they feel that he can not go back to his independent apartment.  They have evaluated that he needs assistance, definitely with the medical side, because he is not good in giving himself his insulin.  But they feel he needs assistance with dressing, bathing and so on.  They have told him this and he is not happy.  So me and my sister need to talk to him some more.  Also too they certainly don't give families much time, because now we need to set him up in the personal care floor and we need to get this done in one week.  Of course this coming week is not working so well for me because my boss leaves on vacation and I am suppose to be there to cover.  But I am not trying to worry about it so much, no matter what it always seems to get done.

Well I need to run, I pray that it will be a nice weekend.  I am looking forward to tomorrow, seeing my dear friends and just chilling out having a good time.  Oh and then on Sunday another friend is having a baby shower for her daughter, so another fun time.  I guess no cleaning this weekend which is just real fine for me....hahaha

Until later...............

Day 100

Wow it seems so unbelievable that I have had this blog for 100 days. 

Well to reflect upon this, I am so happy to say that I went shopping yesterday, (my mother's day gift from my son, is that he takes me out for the entire day, start with a nice breakfast and then out to the outlets near him, then finish with a nice dinner).  So anyway, out shopping I stopped at Lane Bryant and bought some clothes, well the best part is that I tried on a pair of shorts, size 26 a size smaller and they were still too big, so I proceed to get dressed again and went out and got a size 24, well to my amazement they too were big so finally tried on a size 22 and to my surprise they fit.  WOOHOO I am down 3 sizes, I was so ecstatic that I just sat there in the dressing room and cried.  I couldn't believe it.  Also too I got two pairs of pants and quite a few tops, even my tops are two sizes smaller.  I am in heaven.  It is so true, that you must have patience and determination and the results will eventually show.  So funny that even one of the women from TOPS wrote on our private group today that she needs to have more control.  I couldn't ignore her statement without commenting to it.  It just shows how we are all looking for that magic pill and poof the weight would be gone but just taking it one little step at a time, well like I said the results do come.

Need to get my dinner started, of course it will be healthy, there is no other way.

Until later................

Day 98

With the summer, I just love love my Fridays....Got up early, put laundry away and clean up my room and spruced up the bathroom, then heading over to see Pop....did some laundry there and then took Pop to the patio and had a nice chat with him.  I feel it lifted his spirits up a bit.  My sister called this afternoon and we have an appointment with the facility to see what the next step to take in regards about Pop.  We both feel that he must go into assisted living.....he has become so weak and unstable that he needs help to dress and such.  I think he realizes that his full freedom is done.  I just hope that he accepts it and continues to push forward and not give up.  I know in my head that he is 91 years old but if you could only see him.....before you would never think that he is that old.  All we can do now is just make sure that he is comfortable and taken good care of.

Last night was a TOPS meeting and I am pleased that I am back down 2 pounds, just need to get one more off and then continue to get more off.  I am hoping that by the end of the summer, well it would be real nice to be near 250, just need to get off 23 more pounds.  We almost had a no gain week too, very impressive.  I hope and pray that these women really get their heads together and really start to do for themselves.  I keep reassuring them that they are worth it and they need to do this for themselves.  Still there is this one woman who states that she is watching but will not ever deprive herself from anything.  I do agree to a certain point but I really feel she is not REALLY watching, so to say.  But I can only encourage and try to suggestion things so much.  I have finally realize that is all I can do. 

Tomorrow my son is taking me out.  This is his mother's day gift to me.  He spends the entire day with me, just him and me.  We start out with a nice breakfast, then go on a long ride to the outlets and do some shopping.  He stays with me and carries all the bags, then in the evening we go have a lovely dinner.  I enjoy it so much.

Well, just finished washing and cleaning my kitchen windows, now I need to get the curtains out of the washer and press them and re-hang them.  My goal is to do a little bit each day in the kitchen, like cleaning out the cabinets and get rid of stuff that I don't use anymore.  I think I should have the kitchen done in a week or so.  I do love my kitchen but I will admit it is huge.  Got close to 20 cabinets and when it is time to clean them, well then I realize that it is too big....haha

Well time to keep moving....

Until later..................