Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Day 123

I don't know why but I think I have been avoiding writing.  Sometimes I think that my writing/journaling is dumb, useless, boring (not so much in regards about others reading it but when I re-read it, just stating what I have done, etc.)  Do I really lead such a boring life?  I read others and how that have those AHA moments and such.  Will I really have one?  There are times I "think" I am having one, but really am I?  Then there are other times that I think that I "over think" or analysis too much, is this normal?  What is normal?

One thing that I am sure about is my faith.  I am always talking to god and I guess to myself too.  Trying to reassure things to myself and such.  And as usually, I beleive this with many people, especially when things are not so good, we all have mutiple conversations with ourselves and god to try to understand why such things are happening and to ease the coping of the situation. 

For me right now, it is many things that are going on.  First is my dad, seems that he is not doing well, and I am so mad with all the doctors, nurses, socal worker, etc.  Doesn't anyone do their job?  My sister and I must contact everyone just to hear the results, or recommendations or whatever his progress is.  Even though we request to be updated, but no one lets us know.  And also trying to get answers is like pulling teeth.  Yesterday I went to visit him and just looking at him looking at me, well you could see it in his eyes.  Just wanting some help, knowing he couldn't do it on his own.  I just felt helpless and just didn't know what to say to him.  We both just spent time just lightly smiling and looking at each other.  I called my sister later that night and told her all about it.  I kinda am getting the feeling that he may be just giving up on life.  I don't know.   I do know that it is hurting real bad right now.

As for TOPS, I want to get into it but it is very hard.  I am trying to motivate but having a lot of trouble with even just myself.  How can I motivate others if I am not.  Another hard obstacle.  As with last week's weigh in I gained 1.5 pounds.  I am trying so hard to watch but as the day wears by I lose the momentum minute by minute.  Why can't I stay on track?  I know what needs to be done. Then I have times that I feel that I just don't care...what is the point?  I hate feeling like this.

Now for my leg, well of course I still haven't heard anything from either the doctors office nor the medical insurance to see if they have approved the medications.  Ah another complaint with the system.  We work so hard for ourselves and our families and again we need to push through all the junk to get ourselves heathier, better, etc.   I am so tired with all the BS.

Maybe that is my problem....just plain tired.  Not that I am saying that I want others to do for me, but just that people would do their jobs.  I believe that they would want the same.  There are time I just don't get it.

Well anyway I am going to try my best to get back on the saddle and do what must be done for ME.

Here is hoping and praying that I will achieve this all.

Until later........

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