Sunday, August 12, 2012

Day 170 Trying to get back my good attitude

Well today is a new day that the Lord has given me and I must make the best of it.  I think with yesterday I just wasn’t feeling good physically.  As the day progressed I began to have some bathroom issues and my stomach just wasn’t right.  So with that feeling I had to watch (plus wanted to watch) what I winded up eating.  So with that plus having a headache I did absolutely nothing but rested and lay around.  Maybe that is just what I needed.  So today I am feeling better, I went to church which helps me and puts me at ease and also with some peace.  I am looking forward to this week, nothing really special but just wanting to get on track and back to routine and such. 
 After church I went to see Pop, he is doing ok but I found out he is starting his crap again and being disrespectful and rude with the workers there.  This one black woman called me out into the hall to speak with me of how he cursed her out and called her names.  Like usual, I am embarrassed and I try to apologize for his behavior.  Well she bluntly told me that she will now avoid him with all costs.  I went back into his room and spoke with him.  Of course he got nasty again, and of course I try to tell him there is no reason to be calling people names, that you just need to tell them what it is bothering you, no need to start with the cursing and such.  And of course, he just sits there with his eyes close just shutting me out as I speak.  There is no changing, or even trying to reason with him, he just says what you do want I am 91 years old, what do you want from me.  I also tried to explain this to the woman but I could tell she already made up her mind about him.  I told him keep this attitude up and no one will help you or assist you.  Part of me is thankful that I am working 10 hours for the next three weeks and I told this to Pop that I probably will not be seeing him as much.  It may be a coward way of getting out of seeing him but I feel I need that break from him.  Pop can be such a downer.  So negative, everything and everyone out to get him, break him down, take everything away from him.  It is not just now with the situation, it has and he has always been like this.  The only times I get really mad at him is when he talks bad about my mom.  In my eyes she was a saint to put up with him all those years.  He will never admit to it but he has always had a lousy and bad temper.  My sister and I or at least for me while growing up was always afraid of him.  Don’t get me wrong if I did something wrong, mom would correct us and would hold dad at bay with us because she knew what he was capable of doing. Gosh, I miss her so much.  Mom was always the one who kept order in the house plus all the finances.  Once she passed, well dad just went to town with everything.  Piling up the bills and not giving a crap about anything.  Well that is all in the past.  My sister and I keep telling him that he should be grateful of everything that we a doing for him, that he could be alone just like his own father.  It may be wrong to say but when he gets out of hand I simple tell him that he is exactly like Opa.  (Opa is the German way to say grandpa) and boy does he give me a nasty look, like he would like to hurt me.  But I give him the same look back and then explain how he hurts so much with his words.  But like I said there is no changing him.

 I try to do what is needed of me.  Now I just need to get back on track doing what is best for me.  I need my positive attitude back and not let things get to me like the past few weeks. 

Until later…………

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