Day 169

Well the day is finally here, the day that I was finally looking forward to.  As of today everything that I wanted to be over with is now done.  Thursday was my last shot for my knee, thank God.  Friday was the day for the meeting in regards with my dad with Medicaid assistance.  As for the meeting, well it went really good.  My sister and I had just about everything that was required.  We still have a few issues to handle but nothing like before.  So for right now things seem to be in place.  It is a relief but right now I don’t feel relief.  I can’t seem to explain it, really don’t know why.  I thought once today came I would feel good.  I do and then I don’t.  If anything I want to get my eating in much better control.  I have allowed all this stuff affect me and gave myself excuses to binge, overeat, eat such fatten foods, etc.  I sort of feel numb, like I don’t know where to start.  Yeah this is great,(sarcastic thinking) especially thinking about how I should be giving motivation to others, like to my TOPS group while I feel nothing, nothing even for myself.  I am beginning to hate this feeling. I have been reading other blogs searching for that motivation but can’t seem to find it. If anything I am trying very hard to keep reminding myself NOT to just reach for any old thing to eat.  Trying to get back on track.  I know what needs to be done, it is just doing it.  I also feel that I have no energy, even as I sit here knowing that things need to be done, I just got this feeling that I just don’t care.  Is it time for me to relax?  Is it time for me to just do nothing?  I know that this post I am just rambling on and on but I just feel in my mind is just mush.  I can’t seem to focus, concentrate.  Maybe I just need to talk to someone, but who?  If anything I am grateful to someone that I have known for over 10 years, I feel such a connection with her, funny though we met through the internet but never met in real life.  She is such an inspiration to me.  She has done so well with herself.  Plus she has gone through a lot through her life.  Always jugging one situation after another.  Don’t get me wrong she has had her down moments but was always able to pull herself right back up.  Not that I want to put any pressure one her but I would just love, love to talk to her.  Sometimes I think that because she may be younger than me, still has young ones at home to keep her moving.  I don’t know but I can’t use this as an excuse.  Gosh it is already the middle of the afternoon and I haven’t done anything.  I need to get moving and motivate.  I think I will start by taking a nice hot shower, hopefully that will boost my mood.

Until later……