Day 43

Wow it is Easter already...time certainly does not wait for anyone.  I really enjoy the spring.  I kind of hope that the hot days will be some time off.  I also wish I really didn't have my auditors right now.  I would just love to take some vacation days and just enjoy this weather.  But be as it may it is just not going to happen.  Even though I am very grateful for everything that God has given me.

I talked myself into doing things when I got home yesterday.  Usually and many times I have good intentions but fall short in getting things done here at home.  Seems that in the morning I have the energy but as soon as I walk in the door out the window went my energy.  But yesterday was different.  I actually got a lot done so today I can continue some but still be able to enjoy and relax a bit.  Unfortunately I will not see my kids tomorrow so I am going to try to see them today.  Right now the both of them are working.  My son is a tax manager and obviously it is tax season, so he is working just about 7 days a week.  As for my daughter, well her work week is Tuesday thru Saturday, she works with cancer patients children.  I must give her a lot of credit, she has this amazing attitude with them.  Anyhow even though they are grown and are adults, Mom here still makes them a small Easter basket.  So I was hoping that I may see them for a little bit to give them their baskets.  Tomorrow it will be just hubby, Pop and me for dinner, which is fine.  We will be going to Pop's favorite restaurant.
I am going to try my best to stay within calorie range.  I believe the restaurant has salmon and that will be my pick.  Usually in the past (we have been going there for 30 years) I have always pick their prime rib, which in my book is delicious, but I need to change and change I will.
After this post I am going to make some banana bread, just noticed that the bananas are very ripe and I need to use them before I lose them.
I pray that everyone has a wonderful Easter and may the Lord bless everyone.

Until later.......

Day 42

Well finally it is Friday.  Actually this week went by pretty quick.  As I also feel that is how the weekend will go to.  Auditors came yesterday and it was a good day.  I feel today they are going to really have many questions and will be interrupting me a lot more.  Oh well this is how it goes. 
I kept thinking about my dad and how he just makes things so difficult not only for himself but for all of us.  I just don't what or how to get through him.  He is just so stubborn and yes, ignorant.  I understand he is old, I understand that he has dementia but he has ALWAYS be like this.  Just full of hatred and just down right mean to many people.  And with Easter coming, we usually have Easter dinner together.  Right now I really don't want to have dinner with him.  Part of me wants to tell him "just go over my sister house for dinner".  But that will never happen.  My feelings for him are bitter and I don't like having these types of feeling for him.  He is my father and I do love him but right now I don't like him.  This has been bothering me all day yesterday.  And with that feeling I turned to food.  I was way over on my calories and part of me just didn't care.  Even when I logged my food and saw the number just climb right off the charts, I actually thought, eh I got tomorrow.  I don't want to feel that way, it is like almost giving up or not giving a sh*t.  Today I need to focus more on me not people or things around me.  I need to remind myself of that more and more.  I need to just accept what has happened just happened and it is over with.  Later on today I need to call Pop and confirm with him about Easter. 

I just need to move on and move forward.

Until later.............

Day 41

Ah what a night, last night I get a call from the facility that my dad lives at and seems that Pop is stirring trouble again.  He is a good man but whenever anyone should cross his path, well look out.  He becomes such hatred, mean, nasty foul mouth man.  He will say everything and anything to get back, in his eyes.  Well, he was angry because this young man spilled apple juice on him and refuses to pay for the dry cleaning.  According to Pop this is not the first time this has happened.  Pop now feels that this young man does it on purpose. Problems is, is that Pop feels he can handle the situation completely on his own and not tell anyone.  Then when he says something and he gets no response then he gets mean and mad.

So hopefully after talking with the nurse and security things will calm down.  Even when I spoke to Pop he doesn’t remember the entire situation.  I believe the dementia is getting worse for him.  I explained to the nurse (who has to make a report) the Pop just saw his primary and that his next visit isn’t until early July.  That I would speak with the doctor about getting Pop tested again and see if there is anything that can be done again to slow down the dementia process.

Ah and to think that my own doctor tells me to try to eliminate any stress that I can.  Yeah right, how am I supposed to do that?  I just started today my medication for high blood pressure.  I certainly don’t see anything happening to lessen the stress any time soon.

The past few days I have been in calorie range.  I actually changed one of the groupings on My Fitness Pal to now include sodium, WOW was that an eye opener.  Now I need to concentrate not only on calories but also the sodium.  This is going to be hard but it must be done.  I really don’t want to be on any medication. 

Also too I have allowed myself to cheat this morning.  I was just so hungry, so with my usual breakfast I broke down and got a corn muffin.  Why I don’t know because once I ate my usual breakfast sandwich I felt fine but looking at the muffin didn’t think twice and ate that too.

Well I will record it and move on…..now drinking my 40 ounces of green tea.

Got tons of work to do and with that my auditors are starting today…….lucky me.

Until later……………

Day 40

It just dawned onto me of how long I have been writing this blog.  It doesn't seem like it has been 40 days.  So with that I had to see what my progress has been for this duration and I am happy that I am down 10 pounds.  It probably could be more but I know I have many obstacles to overcome.  I just need to stay focused and keep pushing forward.  I have been listening to my Cd's in regards about weight loss and keeping your mind focused and clear.  It has been helping.  I also am trying to keep my journal up to date on My Fitness Pal.  I have been seeing a pattern that I am trying to break and that is the weekends.  I also have seen small changes too in my so call life style.  We have more fruit in the house, trying very hard not to bring any junk in, well I know I am not bringing any junk in but hubby does from time to time.  He too is doing better. 

Oh and yesterday I had to go to the doctors for a check up again on my blood pressure.  Seems that the previous times that I had seen him my pressure was elevated.  We thought maybe due to the pain that I was experiencing from my knee.  Now that I have had two cortisone shots which has help greatly, well I thought for sure that my pressure would have come down but no.  So as of today I am taking medications to see if that would lower it.  Doctor was also pleased with my weight loss but also disappointed with the pressure.  With this news this is even more of an incentive to lose more weight.  I just need to stay even more focus on me.  It is true what another blogger has said.  If the doctor tells you that if you don't change you could die, what would you do.  He actually said it in different terms but still the thought still holds true.  I really need to kick this up several steps and get this weight off.

Must stay on target.........

Until later...............

Day 39

Yesterday was a decent day.  Got quite a bit done at work and once I got home I was able to do some baking.  Made some proteins bars that were desperately needed.  Also too my Dad stopped by the house to give me some more bills that needed to be paid.  While he was there he was telling me what happened at the facility that he stays at.  I try so hard to understand of what happens there but he just has such a hatred attitude towards people.  Plus he is so quick in name calling people.  It just makes me so angry with him.  He always tells me that I don't know how people were while he was in the army and during World War II.  But I keep trying to tell him that was then and this is now.  But he refuses to listen.  There are actual times that I am so embarrassed while I am with him.  I truly believe this is why he has no friends because once something should happen or someone says something that he doesn't like he just goes off.  Not one care in the world about the other person.  I continue to pray just asking the Lord to give me the patience and strength while in his presence.  Hopefully this Sunday for Easter he will behave and we can have a pleasant time together.

Also I made last night a simple dinner, I will admit it was not the healthiest but I did make sure I kept within my calorie range.  I made last night barbecue chicken wings, (hubby's favorite) and with it crinkle french fries (which I always bake not fry).  Once I saw the portions of my plate at first I was like, wow is that it? But I ate slow and once I was done I was no longer hungry and I was satisfied.  Also it kinda felt good not to be so consciences about what I should be eating.  Maybe I am having a break through?  Would be nice.

I finally finished last night my paper that I am going to hand out for our TOPS meeting.  It is all about commitment.  I hope they like it.  I feel it has a good insight in relationship about weight managing.  I also hope that it may hit home with several ladies.  I can only pray.

Until later.....

Day 38

Yesterday was a nice day.  Took the girls to see the bridesmaid dress and they love it.  So now the girls just need to order it.  There are four girls, three of them will be wearing the color burnt orange and the maid of honor will be what is called tangelo.  I really didn't look for myself.  I glanced around at the racks but nothing really caught my eye. Afterwards we went to Wegman's market cafe to get something to eat.  Again with my weakness, going out.  We were starving.  It was now approximately four o'clock and none of us had eaten the entire day. Well we sure made up for it.  I thought I was overloading my plate but you should have seen the girls.  Anyway bottom line is that I blew it for the day, trying to stay within 1500 calories but I know I had over 2000.

I am back on track for sure.  I just finished my breakfast and now I am drinking my diet green tea, total of 40 ounces and then will fill up my 32 ounce cup.  I am hoping to finish it all before lunch.  As for lunch I have my soup and then I just need to figure out what will be for dinner.  Hopefully this week will be pretty good.  Last week hubby was on vacation and he made dinner several times this week and not that I don't appreciate it but he certainly doesn't make the most healthiest dinners.  I also need to get out of my head is that we will not have a TOPS meeting this week because of Holy Thursday.  You see our meetings are held at the church and with mass going on Thursday evening it is just not happening. So many of us including me have this mind set that OK I can kinda cheat since I am not getting weighed this week.  That has to stop, no matter what I must be consciences about everything that goes in my mouth.  Personally I really would love to have a good loss next week.  So I better, maybe put up some reminders about what I should be doing. 

Until later..........

Day 37

Thought I would take this time to write my post and then continue to gather information for the next TOPS meeting.  Reason being is that our leader will not be able to attend and has asked me to take over.  She asked the ladies if that would be alright and they all agreed.  I am a bit nervous but I need to get over that.  I met with the leader last night to get some ideas and to hear her feedback of what I would like to do.  She was very supportive and also very excited for me.  So I think I would like to address commitment.  Hopefully the ladies will maybe get a boost of motivation and maybe a little fire in them to re-commit our purpose. I can only pray that this will be a go.

Also today I will be heading out with my daughter and her bridesmaids to go and look at some bridesmaids dresses.  Of course while I am there I will look for something for me.

I just finished making crosses out of the palm that hubby and I got from church.  They really came out good.  I have already placed some through out the house and the rest I will give to the kids for their houses. 

The past few days I have to admit that I am feeling pretty good even with my bad leg.  Also too I have been cheating with some of the candy that I bought.  I really need to stay focus on that stuff and just stay away from it all.  Hubby did the food shopping last night and with my list we now have lots of healthy food in the house.  I also need to do some cooking after the dress shopping.  Planning is the key of it all and executing the plan is what I must do.

Until later............