Monday, July 9, 2012

Day 136

Back to work again, I must admit 5 days off certainly goes by quick, even though things that I really wanted to do didn’t happen.  The fourth of July was nice, daughter called, of course last minute and asked if I wanted to come to her house for a bit.  So since hubby was working and all I really was going to do was to try to do some finishing touches in my bedroom, I thought what the heck, might as well go and at least I am doing something for the holiday.  So off I went, it was a nice visit, really didn’t stay too, too long and I certainly am glad too, especially with the traffic.  So Wednesday was nice, it was Thursday that all hell broke loose.  I swear it was horrible, I really allow my emotions get the best of me.  Well on Wednesday evening I received a phone call in regards about dad needing to see a GI specialist.  So on Thursday I had to call to make an appointment, not only did that need to be done, my daughter calls in the morning asking if I could make a doctor appointment for her because she was running out of meds for her constant migraine headaches but can’t stop there neither, hubby calls and states that the dog needs meds again because his diarrhea came back again.  I just felt that I was everyone’s secretary for the day.  On top of that my sister calls and tells me that Verizon still can’t get a phone in Pop’s room and that she had told them since she will be out of the country, (she and her hubby were leaving for Italy for two week vacation) that she gave them my phone number.  I just felt used by everyone.  Now onto Thursday, well since the dog is having issues, hubby tells me before he left for work that I needed to stay on the first level of our home because of the possibility that the dog will have an accident inside.  So there went my plans for trying to finish my bedroom.  It doesn’t stop there, on Friday I had to see Pop to sign some papers that my sister past onto to me because she was going on vacation, then meet with the social worker to get Pop’s finances in order and ready for Medicaid to kick in, then after that I had to see Pop’s doctor so I could get my family medical leave act papers done for my job.  Yes if I keep going on without those papers I could lose my job.  Great huh?  Well my angry continue until thru Sunday.  I hated everyone, I just felt like everyone was stepping all over me.  To top things off tomorrow is my 30th anniversary.  I had told my husband many months ago, that all I wanted was to go away, somewhere nice but that is not happening because he is always worried about the dog.  It is so pathetic; I am so tired of hearing the same BS over and over again.   We never take a vacation maybe that is why I am jealous too with my sister.  Everyone else seems to take a vacation, and even when I plan mine (which really is just stuff that I want to do on my day off), seems that something or someone seems to take over my time.  I guess bottom line is that I allow it, plus these things need to be done, but I am getting so tired of it.  I really do feel that others are taking advantage of me and it really needs to stop, but how do I stop it.  Also too I know that my eating has gotten way out of control.  I can’t seem to stop, even while I am shoving food down my throat I know exactly what I am doing yet I don’t care one bit.  I will admit that missing a week from TOPS is not helping.  Tomorrow we (hubby and I) are supposed to go out for dinner, as usually the usual place, when will he ever try something new?  It is so boring and I am getting feed up with him too.  Again another person whom I feel is taking advantage of me.  Why am I such a push over, this must stop because I am not liking one bit of it.  But when I say something, the usually response is that I am crabby, or what is the matter with me or I guess I better not say anything because you look like you are going to attack any time.  I too don’t like who I am right now, I was doing so good before, what has changed?  Well I hope that tomorrow I will talk to hubby and really tell him how I feel.  One thing that bothers me with him is his insensitive thoughts with me.  He really doesn’t like to go anywhere, so we don’t but he certainly can find time to go to the casinos.  Does he ever once invite me?  Does he ever once say like, hey lets go to the movies, or hey let’s try a new restaurant.  Never, lately I am very, very disappointed in him, and when I do say something, he comes back with, I know I am a horrible husband, I know I am the a$$hole.  I finally realize that with him saying this gets him off the hook, just think about, with him admitting he is, well how can you argue with that response?  Well it is not going to happen this time.  Why did it take me 30 years of marriage to figure this out, I guess I am slow or whatever.
I am trying very hard to get out of this mood, if anything it certainly is NOT helping me one bit.  I guess writing it out relieves some of the pressure inside of me.
Hopefully I can get back here to write more out of me, but right now I must get some work done.
Until later…………….

1 comment:

  1. I'm so sorry you're feeling so used and unappreciated. I totally get it though with your daughter and father and husband, all of it. I remember back to when I was just starting to take care of myself and how I felt guilty for everything I wanted to do yet everyone around me was doing what they wanted. Hubby wasn't supportive he would actually get upset I was going to the gym or going for walks. But I just kept doing the things I NEEDED TO DO FOR ME and eventually everyone got on board and it actually got to the point that they could see how much nicer I was doing things to help myself and they would actually suggest I go for a walk or to the gym when I was grouchy. So try to put your needs and wants FIRST no matter what.

    As for the hubby stuff well I still plan everything but I've gotten to the point that I don't really mind because at least we are having more quality time with each other and really it shouldn't matter who plans it right? I say go to new restaurants or whatever and I bet he will just go and enjoy it. I know about him getting himself off the hook too Mike use to make comments like "well I'm not out at the bar or running around" well that's good because if he was he wouldn't be married to me lol. I finally just told him what I NEEDED and you know little by little he tried harder because just remember 30 years of marriage counts for a lot and I'm sure he loves you and really does want to please you. But I also realized that they need praise and need to feel wanted and appreciated too even if we feel like we're doing the lions share. These days Mike does more house work than I do, he's there to listen to me all the time, he's supportive of my exercise and now doing his own too. He's grown just as much as I have in the past several years it just took him a little longer to get with the program lol. So hang in there and communicating with your husband is a big key. But doing it in a loving way so he knows it's about wanting a happier marriage not picking on him. *big hugs to you* hang in there.