Spoiling myself a little

Well the weekend has passed and again it is Monday.  I have always hated Mondays, can’t really explain why but I just do.

Anyhow, this weekend was productive.  Yesterday I was really in the mood to cook and bake.  With no snacks in the house (according to hubby) I needed to make something for him.  I am quite happy though, that he does like the protein bars that I got from a friend.  As a matter of fact I made two batches yesterday, waited for them to cool down, sliced them up and wrapped them and then put them in the freezer. 

Oh and I received a lovely phone call from my future daughter in law.  Her and my son are doing Weight Watchers.  They both have lost 5 pounds from the last two weeks.  So that was our main conversation, plus I told her that I was interested in some of the recipes, so she stated about coming to my house and having a bake day of good foods.  I can’t wait, should be fun.

Also too lately I am in the mood for lots of fruit.  I know it may be a bit expensive but I am thoroughly enjoying fresh cut up fruit from the supermarket.  Everything is cut up already and is in its own juices.  Some may say why do you just buy the fruit and cut it up yourself but I figure it out this way, I really do go out much, I don’t spend money senselessly so why not treat myself to what I do like.  So yesterday I got a 6 pounds bowl of cut up fruit for 26.00.  It has everything in it, strawberries, blueberries, grapes, melon, oranges, grapefruit, pineapple, watermelon and kiwi.  Such a lovely mixture.  That is going to be my treat after dinner for the entire week.

Right now it is snowing and they are predicting that we may get some freezing rain, I certainly hope not.  As I have gotten older seems that the weather conditions, (of course it is just winter) I have develop anxiety because of it.  Funny how when I was younger, I used to wonder about if people liked me.  What they thought of me, etc.  Now being older, well I figure who I am is who I am and if you don’t like me, well that is your problem, and as for the weather I could care less about it.  Well seems that it has switch places. Funny how some things can bother us, no matter what the age.

Well I better get started with my work.

Until later…………

What I need.....

Well I am hoping that reading others blogs will get me more motivated that I have been in the past few months.  With so much more weight to lose, I keep asking myself what I am waiting for.

Yesterday while reading this woman’s blog, well she really hit it on the head.  Just almost like that commercial where a person slaps someone on the head and states “I should have had a V-8”.  Well while reading her blog that is exactly how I felt.  As a matter of fact I used her logic for last night’s meeting at TOPS.  Our meeting was good and we all had a great conversation about it.  Her blog was title “If we did what we know to do”.  Small simple words but with a lot of power.  She continues to say about how we know what we should be doing but why are we allowing ourselves permission to not do it. 

So for right now I am holding onto those words dearly.  I am reminding myself as often as I can, to remember that I NEED to take care of ME, that I NEED/WANT to be healthier.  That I NEED to be happy.  If I am those things, everything around will be brighter and happier.  I truly believe that and I NEED to hold that so close to my heart.

Until later……………

Getting back into the swing of things

Well a new year and hopefully a new me.  At least I can say now things are somewhat back to normal.  Finally and I mean finally I have been released from the breast surgeon.  I had to go back several times for drainage from under my arm.  I came to find out that she didn’t want to put a drainage tube in because of my skin disorder and feared further infection.  So I needed to go through the slow process of healing and had to get it drained every couple of weeks.  My next step is to have a mammo in six months to make sure all is clear and nothing else has developed.

Holidays were nice and I enjoyed being home for 12 days.  Last weekend I packed all the Christmas decorations away.  Always seems funny once you put it all away, the rooms look bigger and empty.  So I immediately decorated for Valentine’s Day.  Now I am just looking forward to spring.  It is this time of the year that I really don’t like.  Gloomy, dark, chances of snow.  I fear the snow, mainly walking and driving in it.  I think if it could be promised to me it wouldn’t snow, I would be such a happy camper.

Also too right now I am happy but not earlier, unfortunately I caught some type of virus.  It certainly got me good.  Many of my co-workers were sick also.  I am grateful though it wasn’t the flu just a heavy dose of a head cold but I actually had to take off from work.  My head was so congested that it made me light headed and dizzy often.  I couldn’t remember having such symptoms before.  Also too with this flu outbreak I haven’t seen my dad at the nursing home.  I got a call last week from them asking that we refrain from visiting.  That many of the residents on his floor have the flu.  Thank goodness I finally got him a phone; at least I can talk to him.  Also I am thankful he is doing ok.  He did have a stomach virus two weeks ago but he is better now.

As for my weight, well since finding out about the surgery until the beginning of the year I gain 14 pounds.  Shameful I know but I think I have finally got my head on straight again.  Last week at TOPS I lost 3 ½ pounds.  So I am just trying to move in the right direction again.  Plus speaking about TOPS, well I am doing a lot of thinking right now.  The ladies are telling me that they want me to continue to be their leader.  I do appreciate the compliments but I really can’t seem to make up my mind if I want to.  I certainly am not going to quit TOPS but I don’t know if I still have it in me to continue to be the leader.  I wish I could just make up my mind. 

The kids are doing well which matters the most to me.  They are busy making their wedding plans and such.  I just wish my daughter would get on the ball with her dress.  I am beginning to get worried about it but you certainly can’t tell her what to do.  She is very high strung and when she is ready, she is ready.   As for my son, well it is tax season and he is starting to get very busy.  Usually this time of year I hardly see him but fortunately do speak to him maybe once a week. 

Hubby is getting better too, especially with Max gone (can’t believe he is gone now for 3 months now).  He still has his picture on the end table with his bell collar.  But if anything he can talk about him without getting choke up.  Hubby is even talking about us going away.  Again I will believe it when it happens.

I am looking forward to this weekend.  My girlfriend and I are going to a wine painting party. My niece and sister went to one after Thanksgiving and they had a blast.  Everyone paints the same picture, something simple but as you paint you enjoy a glass of wine and a small snack.  So my niece found out you can have your own party, well you need a certain amount of people.  So she gathered one.  We are going this Saturday.  Should be lots of fun.  I wonder what we are going to paint. 

Now that I am thinking about it I will be busy at least once a month.  In February I am going to my girlfriend’s future daughter in law bridal shower.  Then in March will be the wedding.  My other girlfriend is throwing a 50^th birthday party for her boyfriend.  My other girlfriend is turning 50 and I am certain her hubby is going to throw a party.  Then before you know it I will be busy with my daughter’s bridal shower.  My goodness, just talking about it makes it almost summer time. 

Well need to get to work, it is that time of year with closing the books from the old year and opening the New Year.  Lots of work needs to get done. 

Until later…………….

Day 266 So appreciative

Well the worse is over and I am so grateful, thankful, you name it.  Surgery is over and all went well with that.  But most important is that the result from the surgery is benign.  Seems that my skin disorder/disease is the cause of the whole thing.  When I go on Tuesday back to the surgeon she will explain everything to me of this disease.  Something in regards that the infection this time and gone deep rooted or something like that.  Unfortunately this disease has no cure; this is something that I must deal with for the rest of my life.  Truthfully I have been dealing with it for close to 40 years.  I already know about it, I have gone countless times to the dermatologist for some answers and it always comes out the same.  I could continue to go to the dermatologist only for when there is an outbreak or when the lesions are flared up.  I have already done this last year for 8 months, it just becomes so tiring.  But if anything I am thankful that it wasn’t breast cancer.  I actually had myself thinking that I wouldn’t be around for the kids wedding and such.  Boy oh boy can the mind really convince you when thinking about the unknown.   But this is now in the past and I need to refocus onto the future. 

My son called this morning and asked if hubby and I would like to go out for dinner tomorrow night.  I told him that would be nice but it wasn’t necessary, I am happy as a bug just when my kids come to visit, but that is what they want to do.   Oh and as for the holidays, well only if they should bring up the subject I will speak my mind but in a gentle way.  I certainly don’t want any arguments or hurt feelings from this all.  It is not worth it to me, but I will state that I am disappointed but I am over that.  I just hope that they and I mean “both” of them; maybe I am hoping in my mind that “she” will truly understand.  Who knows? 

The ladies from TOPS have been so kind and thoughtful.  I did write them a letter (through email) and explained everything and of how I am feeling.  The incision site is still sore and a bit red, which I told the surgeon.  The only thing is that also at this site it is very hard.  The surgeon stated that I maybe holding fluid behind the incision that it may be possible that she may have to do a simple procedure to drain the fluid.  I will find out on Tuesday.  The surgeon also was surprised that I went back to work so quickly, but I explained that I had to, not for work purposes but for my mind, in regards about waiting for the results.  She understood immediately.  So work has kept me busy but when I go home I am truly tired.  I am hoping that this will improve in time.  Tonight I am going to see my dad.  I didn’t tell him anything because I didn’t want him to worry plus I know he would get things mixed up and then he would worry more.  I just know he is thinking that I am mad at him for not seeing him for over a week but once I explain all should be good. 

So as it stands for thanksgiving it looks like it will be just hubby and me.  So I was thinking I might ask hubby to bring the xmas decorations up and I will try to get a head start with them.  That maybe even on thanksgiving I may do the window and get it done with.  He already told me not to cook that we would just make it simple.  He even mentioned about going out.  I will admit it will feel strange but on the other hand it is one less thing to be concern about if I have enough, trying to make something that everyone really like, etc.  I did tell my dear girlfriend about no one coming and I think she felt sorry for us because she keeps asking has anything changed.  I just told her that it may be possible that my daughter and her finance may come, that made her feel better.  She is just a sweetheart. 

Also I am so thankful for so many of my friends for their support, comfort, prayers, kind words and good wishes.  This is where I am truly blessed by our heavenly father.   Which in my prayers hope he blesses them and their families.

I am so grateful………………..

Day 256 Just wanting this to be OVER WITH

Well my mind has been all over the place.  Many things have gone through my head, mostly about the surgery.  At first I was hesitate in calling the doctor because I felt if a cold was coming on.  But I am feeling much better so it will be a go for the surgery this coming Thursday.  I am trying so hard to lower my smoking.  I count my cigarettes every day.  Last week I got down to 11 cigarettes.  I really do want to quit but it is so hard.  People talk about how quitting smoking is easier than to lose weight; well to me they are both very difficult.   I just don’t have it in me to go cold turkey.  Maybe with this surgery I may be able to do it.  I certainly hope so.

Oh, one thing that I must mentioned is that I am so thankful that with the storm, that we didn’t have any damages and so appreciative that the family is doing fine.  My niece and nephew though are going through this still without electricity.  They live not too far from New York and are also not too far from the coast line.  But one thing is that they too did not have any damages.  Just dealing with no electricity and having mega trouble getting gas so they can continue to go to work.

Hubby is so worked up with everything going on, I feel so bad for him.  Right now he is dealing with a law suit from work, last week they started with court and it will continue this week also.  These lawyers have him running around in circles.  The case involves this woman who claimed she fell on the ice at his work’s parking lot, during a storm that happened 2 ½ years ago.  She claimed she was taking a different route to someone’s house to do some under the table work.  This is when we had a blizzard and everything was covered.  Many parking lots were plowed but over night some surfaces iced over.  When hubby saw her he wanted to call an ambulance but her friend who happened to appear suddenly stated no and that she would take her to the hospital.  My question is where did this person come from?  Hubby truly thinks this was a set up of some sort but how can he prove it?  Anyway this woman is suing my hubby’s company but hubby has to go through all this crap.  So the trial is supposed to start today.  And with my surgery, well, he is a mess with worry.

As for my weight, well that too is not doing well.  I am eating up a storm, all because of my emotions.  I keep telling myself that I am not doing any good for myself but I continue to eat.  Last Friday I bought a half a gallon of ice cream and it was gone by the next day.  I feel like half of me knows that I am doing wrong but the bigger half tells me “so what”.  I cave in so quickly and easily.  That is not me and I don’t like it, so why do I continue?

I have been praying a lot too, asking for comfort, asking for help, asking that everything will be ok.  I am scared with everything but right now I am scared that I won’t wake up from anesthesia.  I know it may be dumb but this is how I feel.  Plus I know once the surgery is over my next worry will be the results from the pathology department.   Right now I am so sensitive with everything.  Like last week my son calls just to say hi and then the conversation went into about the holidays.  He proceeds to tell me that he and his finance are going to her cousin’s house again this year for thanksgiving.  I honestly thought that they would be coming to our house, especially since Pop is in the nursing home.  Last year it was my daughter and her finance and Pop and hubby.  Our family is so small.  So I thought it would be him and his finance and hubby and I.  Well I certainly guess wrong.  I mentioned it to hubby, not in detailed and he stated well don’t cook and we’ll just go to Boston Market.  Don’t get me wrong I am grateful that I have hubby but I honestly thought that we would have some family around, I guess not.  So I was very hurt about that.  I keep picturing that we will hardly see him anymore.  That she will have him wrapped and when occasions arrive, well, I won’t see him.  Then I started thinking about children and then my thoughts really started to wander.  I know my emotions are on a roller coaster and with this, well it too went for a ride.  I haven’t said anything to anyone except for a dear co-worker.  I am grateful that I have someone to talk to and let some of my emotions out.  Right now even with the thought of it makes me cry.  Like I said a huge roller coaster ride.

So with right now I am trying to keep busy, obviously not enough if I keep eating this way but hoping and praying for the best and of course this to be all over with.

Just waiting out the time………………..

Day 244 Faith will keep me going

Now that it has been several days, I have finally calmed down with the surgery idea.  Even yesterday I was still upset but I need to move on.  Hubby too is getting better.  I still have to tell the kids; hopefully I will be able to this coming weekend.

Also too yesterday I called the doctor’s office to get the name of what I have or so call have and the nurse was talking to the doctor right there and they both spelled it out for me and it is “dermatopathic lymphadenopathy”.  It sure is a mouthful.  Now of course I looked it up all over the internet and yes it can be frighten.  But even the doctors stated don’t believe everything that you read.  Easier said than done.  But she did state that she truly believes this is my case and having the surgery well, she said she wants to prove them wrong.  I guess to prove them wrong meaning about having breast cancer.  I certainly hope she is right. 

Tonight is TOPS and I am finally going back.  If anything I will tell the ladies that I am having some health issues only because first, surgery is scheduled on a Thursday plus I have no idea about how much time I need to recoup.  I guess I may find this out tomorrow when I meet with the anesthesiologist.  I hope I can get more answer too.

I made last night a friend’s protein bars recipe but I made it this time with pumpkin.  They looked good and smelled good.  Tonight at TOPS the ladies are having a Halloween party after the meeting.  Here at work they had a pumpkin sale and I bought two.  On Tuesday night I got the entire pumpkin cook and cooled.  I think I got about 10 cups of pumpkin, so I am hoping to make some low calorie pumpkin cake cheese rolls.  These I can freeze so I can have them for the holidays. 

I am trying to get my head back into the game and just keep going each day.

I read one of the blogs that I follow and she wrote about hope yesterday.  Boy oh boy she really hit it home with me.  Sometimes I actually believe, no I DO believe that God wants me to see, read and hear this.  I feel he is reaching out to me and just comforting me.  I am grateful that he has sent me to her to read her story and how she is overcoming all this obstacles.  Also too there is another woman, who I adore who I have known for a long time, she too has been through the ringer and today she shines.  Don’t get me wrong they still have their ups and downs but how they pull through it, well it is more than amazing.  I am truly blessed to have them in my life.

Thank you Lord…………

Day 243 Reaching for hope

Well my life seems to continue with sad news.  I feel so bad for hubby, with losing Max our dog, his buddy, I now had to tell him about the spot that the doctors have found.

I went yesterday to the breast specialist; she stated that I need surgery.  She feels that the lymph node that is enlarged has something to do with my skin disorder.  I couldn’t even pronounce the name let alone spell it, but I have a skin disorder which I constantly get cysts, carbuncles, boils, whatever you want to name it.  There is no cure and the doctors can only reduce or as they say calm them with injections and medications.  Anyhow also too with some of these cysts, some of them can lie deep down into the tissues.  Anyhow she feels that this one lymph node is also cause by this but she cannot be sure unless she removes it.  So as it is surgery is scheduled for Nov 8^th.  This particular node is located on my upper right breast towards my armpit.  I must admit I am petrified, scared and many other things.  Of course I fear the worse.  Most important I really don’t want to tell the kids.  They have plenty of things going on and I don’t want to burden them.  But I also know if I kept this from them, well they would be mighty mad.  This Friday I am scheduled to see the anesthesiologist to go over and possible get some tests in preparation of the surgery.   Once they remove the node it will go to the pathologist and the findings will take several days.  I know that is going to be hard to wait for.  I have some many mixed emotions about this all.  I am praying hard that this is the finding that they will come to.  Funny I have cried so much that I feel that I can’t cry anymore but the tears still do flow.  I am trying hard to keep occupied, especially my mind but naturally this thought still comes back.

All I can do now is pray; pray even harder than I usually do.