Day 165

So much is happening at once.  This coming Thursday will be my last shot for my knee.  I am certainly not looking forward to it but just wanting to get it all over with.  It seems that the second shot hurts a lot more than the first.  So now I am guessing what the third shot will feel like.   I guess with the stuff in my knee there is no more room for the gel?  Who knows?  I am grateful though that the pain is lifting.  Now unfortunately I am experiencing pain from my back and my left shin.  I did speak with the doctor in regards about this and his comment was he feels that I am walking straighter and upright, that my normal walk is probably causing some aches in my lower extremities, so I just need to deal with it right now until my body become accustom to a normal stance.  Anyhow I am just looking forward to walking with no pain or at least with very little pain.

Now with all of this I have allowed my eating go astray.  I know it is my entire fault and I am angry of what I have allowed and it needs to stop now, right now.  I have put a lot of work losing the 50+ pounds and to what?  Allow myself to gain it all back, oh no way.  I haven’t been to my meetings because of the shots so I have no clue what my weight is right now.  Personally I am a bit afraid of finding out but I need to push through all of this.  I really need to get back to writing it all down.  I have done so well when I write it down.  It is just this part of me, almost like a little kid that just doesn’t want to do it.  My goodness I am a grown woman and I am toying with a child within me and most of time I am getting really pissed off with myself.  I do not like who I am, even part of me doesn’t seem to know who I am.  Also too what is bothering me is that I just want to get this meeting over with.  It is the meeting with Medicaid in regards about my dad.  My sister and I are running around like fools trying to get all this paperwork done plus set ups done, all by the time of the meeting, which is scheduled for this Friday.  I kind of believe that a good part of the problem is our so called contact.  The woman is nice and she always states, any problems or questions, don’t hesitate to call.  Well she is one tough cookie to get a hold of.  Plus on top of that, the numbers to contact her, well all they do is ring and ring.  She doesn’t even have voice mail, so here we are stuck with unanswered questions.  Boy oh boy this is going to be an interesting meeting.  As I have told my sister that I am definitely at the end of my rope with all of this.  I have spent so much time on this project that I feel that I have no life but just doing whatever for everyone else.  Most of the time, I feel that I am so angry with the world.  I am even angry with the hubby.  I just feel there is no support anywhere I go or even just at home with him.  I feel that I care but no one else does, like everyone else just takes care of their own needs and wants but I can’t do that.  I feel so restricted in what I can and able to do.  I hate this feeling.  I want to go back to doing what I want and when I want to.  This may sound selfish and I am not saying it was like that 24/7 but I just feel now I can’t plan anything without checking to see what else NEEDS to be done for others.  I probably sound just like a spoil child but I will not cave in to others needs no more.  I am always there for everyone else but right now I feel that there is no one for me.  I feel alone, isolated, etc.  Even with the hubby, tried to vent a bit and he goes off in a tantrum….why….couldn’t tell ya and right now I could care less.  So for right now, I am not talking to him, at least not of my feelings because I certainly don’t need his shit right now.  But believe me, when things get quiet and time will come, I will voice my feelings and how disappointed I am in him. Then again when I do say something he always comes back with, I know I am a rotten husband…..so how does one answer that?  Well once he does say it, this time I will agree with him and then ask, how about changing it then.  I kind of feel that with 30+ years of marriage, well we are just taking the other person for granted.  I too am probably doing it with him, but honestly with everything going on I really thought he would be more understanding.  Like I listen to all of the crap that goes on with his work and try to be understanding and supportive.  Mostly I want him to talk it out because he is the type who would hold it in and I truly believe that is not healthy at all.  I fear that he has high blood pressure, but again of how stubborn he is, he will not go to the doctors.  Also too when the time comes, I want to tell him he needs to cut out the jokes, one line sayings or whatever.  He tries to be funny which he is but when there is something a bit serious, well he needs to be a bit more sensitive.  This all really sounds like he is a horrible person but he is not.  I just wish sometimes he would pay me some attention.  Again stating that I feel as if I am just taken for granted.  I really don’t want anything, just some plain old attention.  It hurts when it gets lost in a marriage.  Right now I feel we are just two people sharing the rent and the bills.  Maybe it is just me with everything going on.  Maybe it is just me feeling this way, which I have felt before even before all this business started with my father.  But this time, well I am just tired of getting this feeling again and trying hard to figure it out to correct it.  Why me?  I feel that I am the type of person who usually lets all of this kind of stuff roll right off my back, but for some strange reason it is just not working and it is getting stuck.  Something needs to give and I pray that it gives soon and give me back my sanity.  Time will tell.

Until later……………..