Day 189 Wanting to stay in a good place

Well yesterday was TOPS night and I am happy to report that I lost another 2.75 pounds bringing my total weight into the next tens.  I am happy.  During this week I felt really focused and strong.  Now I just want to stay in this good place.  Don’t’ know why but I fear of falling off.  I haven’t (or least not yet) but I wonder if I can stay true with myself and not slip and start giving myself excuses.

With following another blog, like I have stated in a previous blog, he has challenged a group of people to eat 1200 calories per day.  Embarrassed or I should say fear of failure I have not joined his group publicly, I have joined privately.  This way no one would know if I failed, only me.

One good thing about this feeling/attitude is that I am trying to spread this so call mo-jo to my TOPS group.  Hopefully the motivation will be accepted.

As for the weekend, well nothing really happening.  No plans to go anywhere, even though the hubby and kids are going to a concert on Sunday and Monday.  I have no desire to go, why??  Only because I don’t care for the entertainer.  I do wish them to have a good time.   I just sometimes wish that hubby would like to do something with me, something that I would like to do, but I guess for right now, it just is not happening.

I just finished reading another blog of this woman who has gone through so much and has lost a tremendous amount of weight.  Well today she wrote about isolation.  She really puts her feelings out there.  Well she got me thinking and I thought YES that is how I feel sometimes.  Isolated, alone, even when hubby is here I still feel alone.  Is it because we have lost interest in each other?  I do understand that we are in a new stage of our lives, meaning that the kids are out and on their own.  Do we need to readjust again?  Do we need to re-introduce ourselves and see and find out who we are?  Or is it we are just used to each other.  Feed off each other’s emotions.  Have we become too, too comfortable with each other?  Have we lost the energy? Is it because we are older?  Many questions go through my head.  I truly want him to be happy but then I stop myself, what about me?  Am I happy?  I honestly don’t know. 

I actually thought the other day, am I going through menopause, even though my period has stopped many years ago.  I still do have periodically have those horrible hot flashes but I never went through as some women do with the mood swings and terrible attitude.  Am I going through it now?  Am I one of those women?

This is something that I need to talk to my GYN; thank goodness I have an appointment next month for my annual check-up.

Only thing that I am really trying real hard is to stay in this one good place, and that place is my relationship with food.  It is fuel for my body and nothing else.  I want to get away from it for comfort.  I need to find another comfort zone.

Until later……………

Day 186 Trying not to fail

This past week and weekend I have been reading another blog.  This man, well he can be very blunt and crude but I must admit he is honest and to the point.  I have been reading his blog for some time now.  I also will admit that he is funny, I guess in an odd way, but he does make me laugh at times with his stories.  The only thing is that I won’t comment on his blog in fear of humiliation, which if he feels that you are not doing it right, that really isn’t it, if you are BS yourself through your blog and giving hints, suggestions about losing weight, well he will call you out on it.   I certainly don’t do these things but I don’t know, I guess I just don’t want to become one his posts like he has done with others.  Anyhow, he has started a challenge with a bunch of people, stating to only eat 1200 calories per day.  Obviously it must be healthy and full of nutrients but must be no more than 1200 calories.  So I was thinking if this group of people can do why can I?  Also too I didn’t sign up because I am afraid of failure.  Lasting for 10 weeks is a long time. I don’t know if I have it in me.  So rather than disappoint him or I should say me, I decided to give it a try on my own.   Why am I hiding, believe me I have asked this question to myself many times over and over and I still don’t have an answer. 

Yesterday was the first day and I will admit, the thought of only 1200 calories made me think, wow I know I will be hungry, will I last even the day.  But the more I thought of it I thought why not.  I must stop thinking such negative thoughts especially of failure.  Anyway I made sure that I planned my meals.  One thing for sure is that I love, love My Fitness Pal, it certainly makes life much easier.  And you know what???  I made it through the day with the 1200 calories plus drank my 64 ounces of water.  I know I should be drinking more fluids but for me I need to work up to that.  For some reason if I drink too much fluid I almost get to the point of vomiting.  So in this area I need to work up to it.  Hopefully in a few days I might be able to get to about 80-90 ounces. Truthfully I need to be drinking around 135 ounces per day. 

When I woke up this morning I felt really good, knowing that I did it.  Now I am moving onto day number two.  For me right now chewing gum is helping me a lot.   Even with working 10 and half hours a day plus with a 1 hour commute each way, I did not slack with my selection of food.  Right now I am very pleased with myself and I want to continue this journey.

Maybe there is hope for me after all.

Until later……….

Day 179 Getting back to norm is good

Feeling good and feeling good helps keep me on track.  I sometimes wonder about why I allow my emotions get the best of me.  I always thought of myself as a strong person, maybe in support for others but maybe not for myself.  Why do I caved in and almost give up.  Maybe deep down I feel that I am a failure?  Can’t explain it and it does bother me at times.  For me I just push it aside and try not to think of it.  But many people have stated that you need to dig deep and face those emotions.  Try to conquer them.  Gosh it is really hard.

Well I will admit I was quite surprised on Thursday at TOPS.  I thought for sure that I had gained but I lost.  Another 1.25 pounds.  Not much but I will take it.  Now I just want to lose another 2 pounds and I will be in the next set of tens.   Also too we have new people joining our group, which is awesome.  We are actually getting to the point where we may have no more seats left.

Saturday my daughter and I went dress hunting for me for her wedding.  We had a great time.  Just spending the day with her was priceless.  We actually went to this one shop that houses only plus size dresses and of course had my favorite line, Catherina by Jordan.  I did see some of the dresses that I saw online but as the saying goes, nothing is better than seeing it in real life.  Funny as it seems but the dress that will probably be the one is one that I never pick.  Below is a picture of it.

                                     

Now I just need to decide what color.  I originally was going to stay in the brown family but her future mother in law took over that color.  Even though we had discussed colors and she told me that she was going to go in the green family.  Well next thing I know she supposedly got her dress and it is some type of brown.  Thanks so much lady……so it looks like I may go in the red family.  The wedding is in October, so my daughter is sticking with fall colors.  My daughter took a picture of me in the dress, I think I look not too bad but my daughter thinks I look really good.  I showed the picture to a few dear girl friends and they said the same.  I am hoping to still lose more weight.  Deep down I just don’t want to embarrass my daughter.

Now I am just waiting to hear what colors my future daughter in law wants to have and then it will be another hunt for another dress.

These kids are sure keeping my hopping.  The only thing that really bothered me on Saturday was for some reason my leg was hurting real bad.  I really didn't think we did a lot of walking but my shin was screaming with pain.  I am finished with my shots and don’t go back to the doctor until September 27^th.  I certainly hope things get better with this leg.  So much I want to do but limited with it.

This coming Saturday hubby and I are going to meet my future daughter in law’s parents.  One of her cousins is having an engagement party for them and having the family there.  Should be nice.  I was very happy when hubby came home and said he does not have to work on Saturday.  This way we will be on time instead of being late.  I hate arriving to events late. 

Just finished my breakfast and need to start with my work.

Praying that today is a good day, not only with food but being productive too.

Until later…………….

Day 174 I think I am back in control

Well I have made it through this week, working the 10 hours each day so I can have off tomorrow.

It has been a bit of a struggle but it is all good.

As for my food, well I have done pretty well except for two days.  Like usually I have caved in.  Tuesday here at work they celebrated birthdays, so I had some cake. We do it once a month. Then for Wednesday, I went out with a co-worker/friend and had some pizza.  So with those two days put me over my calorie limit each day.

Today I am looking forward to seeing the ladies from TOPS tonight.  I have really missed them.  Tonight I have planned to discuss portion control.  I went to Party City and bought 9 ounce cups.  I plan on giving them out and challenging them to prepare their plates with only one cup of whatever they made for dinner.  Even if they had prepared items as mash potatoes, Mac and cheese, whatever.  I want to instruct them to eat just that plate, when finished to really think and feel of how they feel.  Are they satisfied, are they truly still hungry.  I came across this idea through an article I had read, where someone measure just one cup of everything they ate.  If anything this may give a better visual on portions.  As for myself, I know I need this lesson.  So I hope that there may be a few who will like the idea.

Below are some of the dresses that hopefully Saturday my daughter and I will try to go out and see them.  These seemed to be my favorites, at least looking at them on the computer.

I hope that we have some luck.  Should be fun and I hope the day is nice, even though they are calling for bad weather.  At least not too bad because we do have a bit of traveling to do.   Ah time will tell.

Until later………….

Day 172 Starting to feel like I should

It is sometimes amazing and dishearten of how stress can affect a person.  I sometimes wonder how I can get better control my emotions.  I guess no one really can.  I even sometimes wonder why I wonder these things.

But on a much better note, I feel that I am getting back to who I want to be.  A person with determination, a person who is happy, a person who cares for others while still caring for themselves.

I just finished reading some blogs and oh my, were they inspiring.  A dear friend (I would like to think of her this way) well, she writes sometimes often about her “road”.  How she walks, jogs or I really should say race walk on her favorite road.  I know she is getting in her exercise but I really think her “road” is her salvation.  Seems that when she travels on her road, she does a lot of sorting, understanding, and is able to collect her thoughts while moving her body.  I too want to do something like that, but for the longest time I was unable due to my leg.  I feel and (I pray) that with the injections that this will all change.  Each day my knee is feeling somewhat stronger.  But the doctor did say to take it slow.  He stated that with most patients, that after approximately 4 – 6 weeks after the last injection, they really begin to feel the full effect of the medication. My last injection was just this past Thursday.   Gosh, I wish it was sooner than that.  I will admit, unless I am pushing it a bit, my walk to work in the morning is better.  I wouldn’t even be half way there and the pain was excruciating and sometimes needed to stop and rest.  But now it begins to ach badly just about when I get here.  To me that is an improvement but again wanting it to get better faster.  Then again patience is not one of my best features. 

Also on another blog, this woman, who has gone through just about everything, well I love reading about her motivation, inspiration, you name it.  She started well over 400 pounds; hubby left her with 4 children.  Wow where do you begin, thank God for her family and her faith.  I read her post from today how she just did small steps, and I mean small steps.  Just like walking to the mailbox and back.  So with her post and the other, that is exactly what I am going to do today.  When I get home from work I will walk the driveway back and forth.  Hopefully maybe getting some strength I will then try to walk around the block.  Then I hope that someday I will walk the path through the park that is near where I live.  I have only once walked the path, but it was so lovely, the path goes along the creek and over a bridge.  It is like being somewhere so different.   So serene, so quiet, just beautiful.  Ah…I wish I could do it now.

Until later……

Day 171 Getting back on top

Finally, a day with good eating.  I tracked my food intake and I was in range.  Such a good feeling.

Today I start with my 10 hour day work week.  For the month of August our company allows the employees to work 40 hours in 4 days, then allow the employee to take off the fifth day without using a PTO (paid time off) day, thus allowing us to keep PTO for another time.  So today I need to get in work a bit earlier at 7 am instead of my usual of 7:30.  The hard part is tonight, usually I am done at 4 pm but now I need to stay until 5:30.  It is a long day but having the Friday off is worth it.   Wow I can’t believe that the summer is just about over.

So I am prepared with my breakfast and lunch for today. I just need to figure out what will be for dinner.

I also was thinking about the meeting this coming Thursday.  I have been hearing that some of the members are not doing too well, which includes me also.  So I thought I would bring up the topic of portions.  Also too I think I will go to party city and look for approximately 8-10 ounces plastic cups.  I was thinking about a challenge to the ladies.  I want them to use these cups to measure 1 cup of their food, no matter what it may be.  Set their plate up and only eat what is on their plate.  Once done eating, wait and really see if they are still hungry.  If so then follow the process again.  I want them to see how much they are really eating.  I thought this might be a good plan.  Let’s see what happens.

As for myself, well I try to eat healthy but don’t measure out my portions.  It may be cumbersome, but it needs to be done.  I need to see how much I am really eating.

This maybe a break though, if anything, at least for myself.

Ok I am going to try and see if I can post the dress that I like, and hopefully will get for my daughter’s wedding.

Not really sure what color, possibly cranberry or wine.  Her theme is all fall colors.  The girl’s dresses are burnt orange.  Very pretty.   I think I need to print out this dress and put it on my fridge.

Until later………

Day 170 Trying to get back my good attitude

Well today is a new day that the Lord has given me and I must make the best of it.  I think with yesterday I just wasn’t feeling good physically.  As the day progressed I began to have some bathroom issues and my stomach just wasn’t right.  So with that feeling I had to watch (plus wanted to watch) what I winded up eating.  So with that plus having a headache I did absolutely nothing but rested and lay around.  Maybe that is just what I needed.  So today I am feeling better, I went to church which helps me and puts me at ease and also with some peace.  I am looking forward to this week, nothing really special but just wanting to get on track and back to routine and such. 

 After church I went to see Pop, he is doing ok but I found out he is starting his crap again and being disrespectful and rude with the workers there.  This one black woman called me out into the hall to speak with me of how he cursed her out and called her names.  Like usual, I am embarrassed and I try to apologize for his behavior.  Well she bluntly told me that she will now avoid him with all costs.  I went back into his room and spoke with him.  Of course he got nasty again, and of course I try to tell him there is no reason to be calling people names, that you just need to tell them what it is bothering you, no need to start with the cursing and such.  And of course, he just sits there with his eyes close just shutting me out as I speak.  There is no changing, or even trying to reason with him, he just says what you do want I am 91 years old, what do you want from me.  I also tried to explain this to the woman but I could tell she already made up her mind about him.  I told him keep this attitude up and no one will help you or assist you.  Part of me is thankful that I am working 10 hours for the next three weeks and I told this to Pop that I probably will not be seeing him as much.  It may be a coward way of getting out of seeing him but I feel I need that break from him.  Pop can be such a downer.  So negative, everything and everyone out to get him, break him down, take everything away from him.  It is not just now with the situation, it has and he has always been like this.  The only times I get really mad at him is when he talks bad about my mom.  In my eyes she was a saint to put up with him all those years.  He will never admit to it but he has always had a lousy and bad temper.  My sister and I or at least for me while growing up was always afraid of him.  Don’t get me wrong if I did something wrong, mom would correct us and would hold dad at bay with us because she knew what he was capable of doing. Gosh, I miss her so much.  Mom was always the one who kept order in the house plus all the finances.  Once she passed, well dad just went to town with everything.  Piling up the bills and not giving a crap about anything.  Well that is all in the past.  My sister and I keep telling him that he should be grateful of everything that we a doing for him, that he could be alone just like his own father.  It may be wrong to say but when he gets out of hand I simple tell him that he is exactly like Opa.  (Opa is the German way to say grandpa) and boy does he give me a nasty look, like he would like to hurt me.  But I give him the same look back and then explain how he hurts so much with his words.  But like I said there is no changing him.

 I try to do what is needed of me.  Now I just need to get back on track doing what is best for me.  I need my positive attitude back and not let things get to me like the past few weeks. 

Until later…………

Day 169

Well the day is finally here, the day that I was finally looking forward to.  As of today everything that I wanted to be over with is now done.  Thursday was my last shot for my knee, thank God.  Friday was the day for the meeting in regards with my dad with Medicaid assistance.  As for the meeting, well it went really good.  My sister and I had just about everything that was required.  We still have a few issues to handle but nothing like before.  So for right now things seem to be in place.  It is a relief but right now I don’t feel relief.  I can’t seem to explain it, really don’t know why.  I thought once today came I would feel good.  I do and then I don’t.  If anything I want to get my eating in much better control.  I have allowed all this stuff affect me and gave myself excuses to binge, overeat, eat such fatten foods, etc.  I sort of feel numb, like I don’t know where to start.  Yeah this is great,(sarcastic thinking) especially thinking about how I should be giving motivation to others, like to my TOPS group while I feel nothing, nothing even for myself.  I am beginning to hate this feeling. I have been reading other blogs searching for that motivation but can’t seem to find it. If anything I am trying very hard to keep reminding myself NOT to just reach for any old thing to eat.  Trying to get back on track.  I know what needs to be done, it is just doing it.  I also feel that I have no energy, even as I sit here knowing that things need to be done, I just got this feeling that I just don’t care.  Is it time for me to relax?  Is it time for me to just do nothing?  I know that this post I am just rambling on and on but I just feel in my mind is just mush.  I can’t seem to focus, concentrate.  Maybe I just need to talk to someone, but who?  If anything I am grateful to someone that I have known for over 10 years, I feel such a connection with her, funny though we met through the internet but never met in real life.  She is such an inspiration to me.  She has done so well with herself.  Plus she has gone through a lot through her life.  Always jugging one situation after another.  Don’t get me wrong she has had her down moments but was always able to pull herself right back up.  Not that I want to put any pressure one her but I would just love, love to talk to her.  Sometimes I think that because she may be younger than me, still has young ones at home to keep her moving.  I don’t know but I can’t use this as an excuse.  Gosh it is already the middle of the afternoon and I haven’t done anything.  I need to get moving and motivate.  I think I will start by taking a nice hot shower, hopefully that will boost my mood.

Until later……

Day 165

So much is happening at once.  This coming Thursday will be my last shot for my knee.  I am certainly not looking forward to it but just wanting to get it all over with.  It seems that the second shot hurts a lot more than the first.  So now I am guessing what the third shot will feel like.   I guess with the stuff in my knee there is no more room for the gel?  Who knows?  I am grateful though that the pain is lifting.  Now unfortunately I am experiencing pain from my back and my left shin.  I did speak with the doctor in regards about this and his comment was he feels that I am walking straighter and upright, that my normal walk is probably causing some aches in my lower extremities, so I just need to deal with it right now until my body become accustom to a normal stance.  Anyhow I am just looking forward to walking with no pain or at least with very little pain.

Now with all of this I have allowed my eating go astray.  I know it is my entire fault and I am angry of what I have allowed and it needs to stop now, right now.  I have put a lot of work losing the 50+ pounds and to what?  Allow myself to gain it all back, oh no way.  I haven’t been to my meetings because of the shots so I have no clue what my weight is right now.  Personally I am a bit afraid of finding out but I need to push through all of this.  I really need to get back to writing it all down.  I have done so well when I write it down.  It is just this part of me, almost like a little kid that just doesn’t want to do it.  My goodness I am a grown woman and I am toying with a child within me and most of time I am getting really pissed off with myself.  I do not like who I am, even part of me doesn’t seem to know who I am.  Also too what is bothering me is that I just want to get this meeting over with.  It is the meeting with Medicaid in regards about my dad.  My sister and I are running around like fools trying to get all this paperwork done plus set ups done, all by the time of the meeting, which is scheduled for this Friday.  I kind of believe that a good part of the problem is our so called contact.  The woman is nice and she always states, any problems or questions, don’t hesitate to call.  Well she is one tough cookie to get a hold of.  Plus on top of that, the numbers to contact her, well all they do is ring and ring.  She doesn’t even have voice mail, so here we are stuck with unanswered questions.  Boy oh boy this is going to be an interesting meeting.  As I have told my sister that I am definitely at the end of my rope with all of this.  I have spent so much time on this project that I feel that I have no life but just doing whatever for everyone else.  Most of the time, I feel that I am so angry with the world.  I am even angry with the hubby.  I just feel there is no support anywhere I go or even just at home with him.  I feel that I care but no one else does, like everyone else just takes care of their own needs and wants but I can’t do that.  I feel so restricted in what I can and able to do.  I hate this feeling.  I want to go back to doing what I want and when I want to.  This may sound selfish and I am not saying it was like that 24/7 but I just feel now I can’t plan anything without checking to see what else NEEDS to be done for others.  I probably sound just like a spoil child but I will not cave in to others needs no more.  I am always there for everyone else but right now I feel that there is no one for me.  I feel alone, isolated, etc.  Even with the hubby, tried to vent a bit and he goes off in a tantrum….why….couldn’t tell ya and right now I could care less.  So for right now, I am not talking to him, at least not of my feelings because I certainly don’t need his shit right now.  But believe me, when things get quiet and time will come, I will voice my feelings and how disappointed I am in him. Then again when I do say something he always comes back with, I know I am a rotten husband…..so how does one answer that?  Well once he does say it, this time I will agree with him and then ask, how about changing it then.  I kind of feel that with 30+ years of marriage, well we are just taking the other person for granted.  I too am probably doing it with him, but honestly with everything going on I really thought he would be more understanding.  Like I listen to all of the crap that goes on with his work and try to be understanding and supportive.  Mostly I want him to talk it out because he is the type who would hold it in and I truly believe that is not healthy at all.  I fear that he has high blood pressure, but again of how stubborn he is, he will not go to the doctors.  Also too when the time comes, I want to tell him he needs to cut out the jokes, one line sayings or whatever.  He tries to be funny which he is but when there is something a bit serious, well he needs to be a bit more sensitive.  This all really sounds like he is a horrible person but he is not.  I just wish sometimes he would pay me some attention.  Again stating that I feel as if I am just taken for granted.  I really don’t want anything, just some plain old attention.  It hurts when it gets lost in a marriage.  Right now I feel we are just two people sharing the rent and the bills.  Maybe it is just me with everything going on.  Maybe it is just me feeling this way, which I have felt before even before all this business started with my father.  But this time, well I am just tired of getting this feeling again and trying hard to figure it out to correct it.  Why me?  I feel that I am the type of person who usually lets all of this kind of stuff roll right off my back, but for some strange reason it is just not working and it is getting stuck.  Something needs to give and I pray that it gives soon and give me back my sanity.  Time will tell.

Until later……………..

Day 160

Ok I am now trying to re-coup of my excursions from the past week.  Well the more I think about it, nothing really much but the usually running around, all the Pop stuff.  On Tuesday I went to the crematory company to find out more of their services.  My sister and I need to have all arrangements for Pop for our meeting with Medicaid.  They certainly want it all and with it so much paperwork.  What is so frustrating is that Pop was definitely not the organized person, by all means.

Then on Thursday I had my procedure for my knee.  Boy oh boy did I allow the unknown plus my phobias with needles get the best of me for sure.  Yeah it did hurt but…..I don’t know what I was expecting but no matter what I certainly allowed it all get the best of me.  Once home I totally caved in to ice cream and exhaustion, because thinking about it the night before meant not much sleep. 

On Friday, I just took it easy and just tried to do things sitting around.  Same went for Saturday.

I don’t know why but this post is taking longer to do. 

Well, today I go for my second shot.  I am not nearly afraid or anything like I was last week.  I honestly thought that hubby wasn’t going to go with me but last night he wanted to confirm what time my appointment was.  It may me feel good.  Also this Saturday, I will be going with my daughter to a family party of her future in laws.  I hope it is nice, being as I am a little pissed with her future mother in law.  I need to try to be civilized and nice.  Also too I am going to meet another woman whom I have heard, who does not like my daughter and who has never met my daughter but bluntly has called my daughter a bitch publicly.  So all in all this should be interesting.  Tomorrow my intentions are to bake biscotti for the party.  I hope they turn out ok.

Also we (my sister and I) are on the wind down with getting all the material that is needed for our meeting in regards about our dad.  I just need to do a bit more of running around to set up a few more accounts and I should be done.  I certainly hope that this meeting goes smooth and well.  My sister has stated that going through meetings with Medicaid can be brutally.

Need to get some breakfast and start with my work

Until later……