Day 150

A lot of little things have been going through my head.  Some real important I believe and some are just down right “stupid”.  I am even at times feeling just confused.  It has to be that there is just a lot on my plate.  One thing I am happy about is that my sister is now back at home.  She returned yesterday and I believe she went right back to work today.  She must have jet lag for sure, so I will not bother her.  I do hope that she contacts me soon, because there is still a lot of work to do in preparation for our meeting in regards about our dad.

I was very, very frustrated on Friday, that I actually broke down and cried.  I was in the car and suddenly I couldn’t think of anyone to talk to, then I called my niece.  Afterwards I felt so bad crying and venting out like that.  It all stems down to that unfortunately the people who work at Social Security are just idiots, well, at least to all of the ones that I spoke to.  I purposely called twice on Thursday to confirm exactly what I needed to get a replacement card for dad. Then on Friday I had to travel into town, not able to go to my local office because they have changed it that you must go to the central center. Once down there speaking with one of the reps, she now tells me that I needed more information and I was NOT able to get this done.  WTF I was furious, explained to her what both parties told me, she got her supervisor and both told me NO.  At this point my leg was aching and I was about to scream.  All this time, all this effort for nothing.  Not only there but also went to the local office (which was one of the places that I called) speaking to another rep, he tells me that some of the papers that I had to obtained for dad is incorrect and he will not honor them…WTF again.  Doesn’t anyone know what they are talking about?  So after 5 hours of running around NOTHING, NOTHING got accomplished.  I just couldn’t believe all of this was happening.  It was at that time I just broke down.  I was so irritated and upset that I didn’t think twice and stopped at Rita’s and got junk food….ice cream and water ice.  Went home cried and ate until I became sick.  This is what puzzles me, why do I do these things.  I lose hope on it all.

Sunday at church I also quietly broke down again, begging God to help me.  Begging for him to give me the strength and courage to move on.  I will admit I am petrified about Thursday, which is when I get my first injection in my knee.  I pray that this works and will give me some relief while walking.

I am still trying to get some things done at home, I am glad that it is happening, slowly but it is getting done.  Just those little things is what makes me a happy camper. 

I did push myself and went shopping a bit at Kohl’s.  I mainly went because at the nursing home, well they were losing his clothes, so I wanted to get him some new ones to replace the missing ones.  While there I did looked through the woman’s section and yes I bought three shirts/tops and one pair of Capri’s.  One thing that I am proud of is that the Capri’s are a size 22.  A bit snug but still fits.  Nice difference from a size 28.  Now I need to keep that perspective and must continue my efforts.  I really need to stay focused on me.  Again I hope this knee will be somewhat better because I really want to start walking again…..real badly

Until later……….

Day 145

Fantastic news I have.  The insurance company has approved my medication and my knee procedure is now scheduled.  I start with my shots on Thursday, July 26 and the following two Thursdays after that.  I am thrilled and praying hard that this will work and give me some relief.  I will admit that I am also petrified, mainly because of my fear with needles.  Hubby told me yesterday that he made sure that he is off next Thursday and Friday to assist me.  If this works, ah I can’t even begin to believe that I will/may be able to walk without pain, be able to walk distances without suffering.  I pray to God that this will be all good.  Maybe my mini dreams to take a nice walk through the park/woods.  There is a lovely path, only about a good mile long but just to do it will be awesome.  Along the path is a small creek, so many people walk and bike along this trail, I certainly hope I am able to do it.

Well onto week two with my sister, (she is on vacation in Italy) trying my best to accomplish as much as possible by myself of things that need to be done for my dad.  I hope she is having a good time.

As for my food consumption, well I am having good days and bad days.  I am not journaling my food as much as I should.  Why?  Hard to say, I guess being tired, no I should say being lazy.  I need to get more focused on me as to just pushing it aside.  I was talking to my daughter and just chatting a little about everything, but got on the topic about the wedding.  She asked me when do I think I will start going out to look and buy my dress for the wedding.  I thought about it and stated probably right after the holidays.  The wedding is set for October 2013.  Thinking about that, well that is only 6 months away, now that made me think WOW I really don’t have much more time if I want to try to get to the size I want to.  I really need to focus more, much more on me.  I need to stop putting myself further down the totem pole and start jacking myself up to the top. 

One thing that has lifted my spirits up some (may sound dumb to others) but I finally got some serious cleaning and arranging furniture done at home.  I have wanted this to get done for quite some time.  I finally finished my bedroom and now everything is just about back in place.  All I want is a nice clean home, things belonging where they belong.  For me it makes me feel complete.  Strange I know but that is how I am.  It doesn’t need to be fancy or updated, just nice and comfy and clean.  Also I am trying to finish my downstairs because my daughter has decided and asked me if she could throw an engagement party for her brother and future sister-in-law at our house.  I have already finished the dining room, just need to finish the living room and we will be set. Keep in mind that during all this time I also have my father’s entire stuff too in my garage that I am slowly sifting through.  Either trying to sort it out and give it away or store it for his future needs.  I certainly hope that my sister doesn’t forget that later this summer she is to help me do some of this.  Again like I say so much is going on but again I need to think of me first, which is very hard to do on a constant basis.  But perseverance and determination will hopefully get me there.

Until later…………..

Day 139

So slowly but surely I think my better mood/attitude is coming back.  Thank goodness, I really hated who I was.  Also too I have allowed all this emotions/moods whatever to affect my eating.  I am so off base.  I have no one to blame but me and I know I must face the scale with all of this.  The only thing that I keep coming up with is, that this is all in the past and I must stop it from continuing.

As for my anniversary, well hubby sent me flowers to work, very beautiful and also on Tuesday, he took me out for dinner, which was very nice.  Sometimes it doesn’t seem real that we have been married for 30 years, WOW 30 years, it went so quickly.   We had a good chat and I told him how I was feeling, maybe not all but I got the most important fact across to him.  I will admit though he looked at me slightly puzzled, like he didn’t get it, which I will say is the norm for him.  Sometimes I feel he really acts dumb just to get off the hook.  But anyhow I said my peace and I do feel better about it.  Now let’s see if I get any reaction from him.  Also too we spoke about going away, just even one night, of course like the usual, he states, well just as long the dog is OK and our son can watch him overnight…..I do love the dog but there are times…….well….enough said.

As for my dad, well I have started the brutal tasks of preparing for our (sister & I) meeting with the social worker and Medicaid rep.  So much paperwork, so much to do, it does make your head spin.

One finally good piece of news, my insurance company has ultimately approved the medication for my knee injection procedure.  I never dreamed it would have taken this long.  The insurance company told me that they will be contacting the doctor, confirming address and the shipment should be going out next week.  So looking at a time table, I am hoping that the injections should be starting, hopefully by the beginning of August.  I will say that I am very scared but do want to get this done and pray to God that it works. 

Tonight is TOPS and I am trying to pull from the tip of my toes to get some motivation for these ladies.  I will admit it is hard to find that motivation, especially when you feel you don’t have it just for yourself, let alone for others.  But I will dig very deep to find “something”.

Well I better get back to work……always have lots to do.

Until later…..

Day 136

Back to work again, I must admit 5 days off certainly goes by quick, even though things that I really wanted to do didn’t happen.  The fourth of July was nice, daughter called, of course last minute and asked if I wanted to come to her house for a bit.  So since hubby was working and all I really was going to do was to try to do some finishing touches in my bedroom, I thought what the heck, might as well go and at least I am doing something for the holiday.  So off I went, it was a nice visit, really didn’t stay too, too long and I certainly am glad too, especially with the traffic.  So Wednesday was nice, it was Thursday that all hell broke loose.  I swear it was horrible, I really allow my emotions get the best of me.  Well on Wednesday evening I received a phone call in regards about dad needing to see a GI specialist.  So on Thursday I had to call to make an appointment, not only did that need to be done, my daughter calls in the morning asking if I could make a doctor appointment for her because she was running out of meds for her constant migraine headaches but can’t stop there neither, hubby calls and states that the dog needs meds again because his diarrhea came back again.  I just felt that I was everyone’s secretary for the day.  On top of that my sister calls and tells me that Verizon still can’t get a phone in Pop’s room and that she had told them since she will be out of the country, (she and her hubby were leaving for Italy for two week vacation) that she gave them my phone number.  I just felt used by everyone.  Now onto Thursday, well since the dog is having issues, hubby tells me before he left for work that I needed to stay on the first level of our home because of the possibility that the dog will have an accident inside.  So there went my plans for trying to finish my bedroom.  It doesn’t stop there, on Friday I had to see Pop to sign some papers that my sister past onto to me because she was going on vacation, then meet with the social worker to get Pop’s finances in order and ready for Medicaid to kick in, then after that I had to see Pop’s doctor so I could get my family medical leave act papers done for my job.  Yes if I keep going on without those papers I could lose my job.  Great huh?  Well my angry continue until thru Sunday.  I hated everyone, I just felt like everyone was stepping all over me.  To top things off tomorrow is my 30^th anniversary.  I had told my husband many months ago, that all I wanted was to go away, somewhere nice but that is not happening because he is always worried about the dog.  It is so pathetic; I am so tired of hearing the same BS over and over again.   We never take a vacation maybe that is why I am jealous too with my sister.  Everyone else seems to take a vacation, and even when I plan mine (which really is just stuff that I want to do on my day off), seems that something or someone seems to take over my time.  I guess bottom line is that I allow it, plus these things need to be done, but I am getting so tired of it.  I really do feel that others are taking advantage of me and it really needs to stop, but how do I stop it.  Also too I know that my eating has gotten way out of control.  I can’t seem to stop, even while I am shoving food down my throat I know exactly what I am doing yet I don’t care one bit.  I will admit that missing a week from TOPS is not helping.  Tomorrow we (hubby and I) are supposed to go out for dinner, as usually the usual place, when will he ever try something new?  It is so boring and I am getting feed up with him too.  Again another person whom I feel is taking advantage of me.  Why am I such a push over, this must stop because I am not liking one bit of it.  But when I say something, the usually response is that I am crabby, or what is the matter with me or I guess I better not say anything because you look like you are going to attack any time.  I too don’t like who I am right now, I was doing so good before, what has changed?  Well I hope that tomorrow I will talk to hubby and really tell him how I feel.  One thing that bothers me with him is his insensitive thoughts with me.  He really doesn’t like to go anywhere, so we don’t but he certainly can find time to go to the casinos.  Does he ever once invite me?  Does he ever once say like, hey lets go to the movies, or hey let’s try a new restaurant.  Never, lately I am very, very disappointed in him, and when I do say something, he comes back with, I know I am a horrible husband, I know I am the a$$hole.  I finally realize that with him saying this gets him off the hook, just think about, with him admitting he is, well how can you argue with that response?  Well it is not going to happen this time.  Why did it take me 30 years of marriage to figure this out, I guess I am slow or whatever.

I am trying very hard to get out of this mood, if anything it certainly is NOT helping me one bit.  I guess writing it out relieves some of the pressure inside of me.

Hopefully I can get back here to write more out of me, but right now I must get some work done.

Until later…………….

Day 130

Finally I am at work and just finished my breakfast.  I really don’t have tons of work so it will be a kind of a laid back day.  Plus we are getting out a bit early due to the holiday.  But I am super excited because I am off Thursday and Friday, so for me I am off for 5 days….WOOHOO.  Unfortunately hubby has to work; even the holiday….he is in retail which sucks.  So therefore we have no plans.

This past weekend my son got engaged, so with that we now have two weddings to prepare for.  My daughter will be getting married in October 2013 and I believe my son will be getting married in June 2014.  Wow…two wedding within 7-8 months of each other…….ooh I shiver with the thought….haha. 

So hopefully we all this going on, it will give me more and more incentive to get more weight off. 

Speaking of weight I will admit I am going in the wrong direction.  I seemed to be a bit out of control.  My portions are getting bigger; my selections are not the best.  I know with everything that is going on with my dad, poor excuse, I have allowed myself to get into a small pity party and would eat anything and everything.  Once thing that I have noticed is that even being a leader at TOPS has become difficult.  How can I tell others what should be done if I, myself am NOT doing the right thing.  If anything I am still glad I am a leader, because it just gives me more responsibility to do the right thing that must be done.  So with everything that is going on I am trying very hard to push through all of this.

Tomorrow I am hoping to finally get my bedroom done once and for all.  I just only pray that my leg holds up.  I just need to do a bit more painting and then need to clean it up well, then put all the furniture back in.  I have everything that I need now for the room.  All the linens, new bed ensembles, still need to buy new curtain rods but for the most have it all.  Just need to put it all together.  Once that is done I will move to the spare guest room to finish up some touches.  Then I will be able to concentrate on my crafts room.  I would be ecstatic if I could get this all done by the end of the summer. 

Well just got done speaking with my sister, she is leaving Saturday for Italy for two weeks.  So there is still lots to do for my dad, well it looks like it is up to me to do it now……lucky me….just kidding.  Tonight after work I will be heading up to see him.  Yesterday I gather some recent pictures of the family and bought new 5 X 7 frames.  I am trying to make a small collage on the wall for him, just to make it a bit personal for him.  He talks a lot with others about his family, this way he can show others his family.  I hope he likes it when it is done and complete.

Oh and from another blogger she stated…..Hope is eternal”…I think that sums it best for me…….

Well I better get started with my work….

Until later…..