Day 66

Finally taking a moment to reflect over this weekend.  Pop seems to be doing a little bit better and I am exhausted.  I don't know why but I have it in my mind that when someone is ill, sick and especially in the hospital and such that I have it in my head that I must visit every day.  Also too, on top of that I have it in my head that others should be feeling and doing the same.  So when my sister stated that she wasn't going to visit him that she needed a day off, etc.  I became hurt and angry.  I got in it in my head that much needs to be done; he needs to be cared for, etc.  I know he is in good hands in the re-hab section of where he resides.  I know he is getting around the clock service, supervision, feed, etc.  Then why do I feel so so obligated to do more???  By the time Saturday rolled around I was just feeling so exhausted.  My brother-in-law stated on Friday that when he was doing just fine, that I would see him during the week possible once or maybe twice.  He stated doing that is fine.  Most important if there was something that Pop needed or whatever, he would call.  My brother-in-law is right and I am trying to listen and do what he said.  Anyhow, I worked my butt off on Saturday to try to catch up with just the usual cleaning that hadn't been done for a while.  By the end of the day I was more tired.  One highlight of the weekend was my son called to find out what hubby and I were doing Saturday night; I just answered nothing just relaxing if possible.  He proceeded to stated that he and his girlfriend were going to stop over and for me to NOT make any dinner.  They finally showed up around 7:30 with in hand a full dinner from Boston Market.  It was so sweet of them and it was a lovely visit.  I must admit when I get a visit from either of my children, it just brightens up my day.  So to top that off much later my daughter calls and asks if she can stay the night.  Seems that one of her girlfriends (actually one of her bridesmaids) was celebrating her birthday.  Her girlfriend lives very near and was attending one of the pubs/clubs near us.  Of course I said yes.....so my visits were doubled. 
Once I took my daughter back home the next day (keep in mind she doesn't drive) I returned back home.  Then I started to reflect on the weekend and of course Pop came to my mind.  Couldn't stop so I went to visit him.  After that I came home and I cannot explain what came over me, I was hungry and didn't want to take the time to make anything, so what do I do but grab the 1/2 gallon of ice cream.  A bit of it was gone from the top, but it was just about full.  Well I grab it whole, no bowl just a spoon and sat in front of the TV and ate the WHOLE THING.....YUP...that was me the whole thing.  Afterwards I felt so guilty and wanted to hide it....keep in mind hubby was working and I was home alone.  I knew he would find out and I didn't want him to tease me, but there was nothing I could do.  Well I could have gone out to replace it and he would have known no better but I was just too too tired.

Anyhow I know I allow my emotions, being tired, being hurt and angry is what drove me to do stupid things and make stupid choices.  This stupid feeling has been with me all day.  I am thinking to myself and I am a "leader" ?????   WTF.....such a hypocrite telling others to stay motivate, stay focused and look what I do....HA....I certainly would laugh real hard in my face......   I know I am only human but I need to get back with my good feeling about myself.  I need to remind myself that no matter what I can do for others but must do for myself FIRST....I need to remind myself that if others cannot accept this, well too bad, well not really but hope that they really do understand.......I can only pray......
Still feeling a bit tired but a bit better.  I tracked my food for today and will do for the rest of the week.  I can only hope and pray that my damages are not that severe.

Until later....................

Day 63

Thank goodness it is Friday......I so need to get some rest.  Well Pop is finally situated at the retirement home he resides in.  He is actually in the re-hab unit which is in the nursing home section.  I certainly hope and pray that this will help him get some of his strength back which he so desperately needs.  They have told my sister and I that hopefully in another week he will be evaluated to see how he is doing and then we will meet with some of the social workers to determine what type of care he will need.  It has come to the conclusion that he can no longer be independent especially with his dementia.  Which unfortunately is slowly getting worse.  The doctors stated that they can not do anything more for him.  He is already on medication for this and that there is no other, or stronger dose for him.  It is so sad to see him struggle sometimes to remember things.  But I am trying to take one day at a time with him and trying to make them enjoyable and happy for him and for me.

Well last night I have officially become the leader of our TOPS chapter.  It was such a nice ceremony.  So I now need to start planning my future meetings.  I only hope and pray that I watch my mouth.  I certainly have the tendency to not think first before I speak.  I never have the intentions of hurting anyone but sometimes what I mean to say comes out in a different way and then the other person takes it completely different.  Not that I said anything last night but this one woman stated that she gained 5 pounds over two weeks and can't understand why.  She stated that she watches what she eats and even this last week hardly ate because she had her grandchild, (she just became a grandmother for the first time).  I have suggested in the past just write it down to see exactly what you are eating, but she stated that she doesn't like to do that, that it is wasting her time, etc.  I really like her and she is so nice but I feel she is not being honest.  I don't know I need to think about it some more, maybe I might get lucky and something will come up in my head, a good way to approach this type of situation.  All I want to do is help.  I am going to give it a couple of weeks and see what happens.  Maybe I just need for them to really see what kind of job I am doing and maybe I will approach her privately.  I don't know but with the grace of God, maybe he will clear a path for her and me. 

With everything going on this past week and with my horrible eating habits, or horrible food selection, I was surprised that I stayed the same.  I am so so grateful for that.  Oh and yesterday I actually came up with an idea which I hope I can start shortly.  My problem with exercising is my legs or I should say my knee.  I can only walk a short distance before the pains starts and makes it difficult.  I would do so much better if I had something to hold onto, like a stroller or a cart.  Well I don't have any grandchildren, at least not now and I don't know anyone with a baby to ask if I could take them for a walk.  But I was thinking I could use a cart.  So why not take a trip to the supermarket and walk around and just buy a pack of gum.  Or why not take a cart and go to Lowe's, walk around and just buy some washers.  I kinda wish the mall had carts, I would then go window shopping.  I thought it was a good idea.  I hope I am able to get some time real soon, as soon as I get Pop all situated and then go off and do my thing.  I know that would certainly help me with my journey, and who to say, I probably maybe get some more strength in my legs. 

Well people are beginning to come in and I have plenty of reports that need to get done today.

Until later...............

Day 61

Seems that dad is going to be released today.  He has qualified for re-hab at the center which I believe will help him tremendously.  Not too much to say here.  I am exhausted but relieved.  I am a bit upset with some family but I have no control over them nor their feelings.  I am trying real hard to let it all go.  I just need to be with peace with myself and then things will be alright.  I also need to make some more calls in regards about Pop.

Funny thing yesterday, I needed to run home because speaking with hubby, our dog, Max is also sick. Seems he has some type of stomach bug, which in turn, he has diarrhea.  So hubby tells me he didn't go this morning and feared he may go in the house.  So before I went to see Pop at the hospital, I went home and oh boy....did I have some "nice" presents in my dining room.  So I had to clean that up.  Before I came home I stopped at Wawa to get Pop a newspaper and something to eat, while there I was hungry so not thinking at all and just wanted it and I bought a small bag of Doritos.  As I was leaving, my neighbor was out and came over to speak to me.  Told her about my dad and proceeded to eat some Doritos, and she saw them and hollered at me (nicely though) and took my bag away from me.  I instantly felt like a little kid doing something wrong.....but she is right, she asked why am I eating these.....that is junk.....she is so right......I am glad.....afterwardsI had a small bowl of fruit.  It is so nice to have people around you that know what you are trying to do...meaning as trying to get healthy. 

Well time to get moving with my reports.

Until later............

Day 60

Well the saga continues with my dad.  The social worker from dad's doctor really feels that dad can not continue with his current livings conditions,which is independent living.  They are suggesting he becomes assisted living.  Seems that dad is forgetting to take his meds or re-arrange his schedule.  Dad is going to be transferred tomorrow to re-hab, where they feel he needs so he can get some of his strength back.  So my sister and I need to meet with his social worker, hopefully soon.  I don't know when yet because once he is transferred he will be assessed on his condition, then we will meet with the person. 

Again I was exhausted from yesterday.  But I seem to have a better control with my eating.  I actually logged everything that went into my mouth.  And I was a tad bit under total calories allowed.  Also too, (this might be TMI) but with all that is going on it is now affecting me phsycially (meaning bathroom issues).  I am trying to be strong but I have no control with my body when issues come up.  Certainly not the right way to lose weight....for sure.

My main concern is how Dad will take the transition from independent to assisted living.  I pray he will adjust well and comfortable.  We will only see.  What also bothers me is his attitude.  Almost can see his will is fading and that is what really bothers me.  I can only pray that, if anything that will improve.

Until later..................

Day 59

Wow, where do I start?  This has been one crazy and exhausting weekend.  Plus it certainly was not good.  OK, I started Saturday bright and early.  I had to take Pop to the hospital for him to have blood work done.  He needed to fast, so it was early.  Afterwards I took him out for breakfast.  He actually ate pretty well. Then he proceeded to tell me that he wanted to go food shopping at Giant.  On the way there, he complained that the housekeeping staff took all of his undershirts and that he needed new ones, (don't believe that story but) so he insisted that we go to Forman Mills outlet.  While in the store I noticed he was holding onto anything he could as he walked.  I became concerned and told him to stay here by a empty counter and I would pay for the stuff.  Once I got him to the car, I wanted to take him back home but again angrily he insisted that we go to the food store because he needed some things.  So off we go, dropped him off at the door and then went and parked.  Once I got in the store I noticed how he was walking fast and practically leaning so much on one side while pushing the cart.  That I grabbed him and commanded him to sit down at the cafe.  Once I got him settled I proceeded to shop for him.  I just wanted to get him home.  Which finally happened.  Did some cleaning for him and once I got home I immediately called my sister.  I told her everything that had happened and also told her that we really need to put more attention to him and need to visit him more often.  Also that his apartment is a total mess and we need to straighten it out.  She agreed.  Anyhow that was Saturday.  Now onto Sunday, I tried calling Pop in the early afternoon, just past lunchtime and there was no answer.  I kind of figured he was out on the main floor of the retirement home he resides in.  So I continued with my ironing and wanted to fix some clothing pieces of mine.  So around 3:50 in the afternoon, I got a phone call from the hospital.  And yes Pop is there.  Seems that his blood work from Saturday got back to his diabetic doctor and his sugar levels were over 600 points and that he wanted Pop to go to the hospital immediately.  So what does Pop do, being Sunday he went to church then went to the hospital.  Not only that he still didn't eat and obviously did not take his insulin.  So at the hospital his blood sugar was way over 700 points this time.  So of course I immediately went over and called my sister.  By the time we left his sugar was down to 245 points.  Pop will be staying in the hospital for at least a few days to get his sugar under control.  By the time I got home I was starving and therefore I ate 1 and a half sandwiches.  One would have been fine but I allow my emotions take over.  Because once I ate that, after a brief period I didn't feel well.  Why do we allow to destroy ourselves?  I slept OK but I do feel a bit tired.  Today I am going to leave work a tad bit earlier so I can get to the hospital as soon as I get home.  I certainly do not feel like working at all.  I really just want to sleep.  This might be a bit selfish but I hope all of this does not interfere with Thursday night.  Only God knows what will happen.

Got loads of work to get done but I am grateful that the boss is out today.

Until later............

Day 56

Well, sis and I got Pop to the doctors and he really isn't doing that well.  Tomorrow I need to take him to the hospital for a series of blood work and tests.  Hopefully maybe something may show and then we can try to correct those problems.  The doctor feels that his dementia is getting worse.  My sister is suppose to call the psychologist and make an appointment.  Seems that the doctor feels it may help a bit.  I can only pray.

As for last night, well that was a bummer too.  I thought I was doing pretty well, but the scale didn't show it for sure.  I gained 1 pound.  The one pound that I wanted so bad that I could reach my total of fifty.  Well that certainly didn't happen.  For a split moment, I actually felt...what the hell.....I should go home and get that half a gallon of ice cream and so what....screw the world and me.  But then I thought I have come this far that I am not going to blow it.  Even though I thought it again.  I keep reminding myself that I am much stronger than that.  Also too, I really need to get in my head about exercising.  I absolutely hate it.  And most of all I really use my knee as a big...big excuse.  I really need to overcome that.  This really should be my main concentration or focus.  I know exercise is a big factor in trying to lose weight and become more healthy.  Why am I making so many excuses?  I really need to push through this.  Maybe I will talk to hubby about this.  He really isn't a great support but maybe talking with him will make him realize of how badly I want this and he may push me more.  I don't know, but I need to try. 

As of right now in I am at work, well I really don't feel like it at all.  It is really a strain to concentrate on my work.  I just want so badly to be out of here.  I would just love to be at Lowe's getting some gardening stuff and then go home and spruce it all up.  All I can say is the clock is NOT moving fast enough for me.

Well, I have my mail to go through and I need to try harder.

Until later.............

Day 55

Finally the day is almost over.  I kind of dreaded today because my sister and I took off from work to take our dad to the doctors.  He needed to get evaluated because of the past two weeks of episodes that had occured with him.  Doctor is checking him for an urinary tract infection.  Seems that if he does have this, that an UTI can cause dementia to show worse than it is.  This is no denying that he has dementia but he has show more signs of it being worse.  If the test comes back negative, we need to address the next step with this disease.  This next step is going to be very difficult.  Mainly because we feel that dad will not accept the possibility of moving from independent to assist living.  Also too he will need to give up driving, which truthfully I fear him driving but I really don't know what to do. So after the doctors we went to see my son, who doesn't live far from there.  We then all went out to the diner for something to eat.  I believe dad enjoyed himself.  Afterwards we went back to my son's house.  Then to finish off the day we took him shopping for a few things, then headed back to his apartment.  I finally got home just about the same time I would from work.  Funny I feel more exhausted from all of this than from work.  Not that it is much more of physical but it was a very emotional drain. 

Now I am just  sitting and relaxing before my meeting for tonight.  I am so hoping to lose at least one pound to make my fifty.

Saturday I need to take dad to the hospital for some blood work and then I thought I would take him out for breakfast.  He enjoys so much going out for a ride and also going out for eating.  Oh as for today, I think I choose pretty wisely for my meal.  I stayed away from the salt shaker.  Also I got a nice omelet with asparagus and Swiss cheese.  Usually I love (which I still do) love the omelet with potatoes, sausage, onions, peppers and cheese. So this time no sausage and no potatoes.

Maybe just maybe I am getting a bit better with this.  This would be so awesome and such a break through for me.  I certainly hope so.

Well time to freshen up and get ready for the big weigh in.

Until later......

Day 54

OK great way to start a day is having someone back into your vehicle.  It was a young man, we are both at a red light, then turning onto the road was a school bus.  With the bus trying to turn the corner, this young man decides to back up to give the bus more room to make the corner.  Well, as he was backing up I am holding down my horn to warn him I am behind him, well, enough said, slam right into me.  Well the light turns green for us and he proceeds to go down the street.  Well I am honking at him, that he better pull over to examine if any damages.  Finally about a quarter of a mile, I pull over and so did he.  Well we check out my car and again God is always with me, nothing done and everything is OK.  I will admit I was getting angry that he wasn't pulling over.  It wasn't like there was no room to do so.  But just in case I did get his license plate number.  HTC9781.  At least I got it somewhere.

Last night I didn't do any yard work, instead I made biscottis.  I found this recipe and thought I would try it out.  They came out good, only thing in the recipe, I was suppose to get 48 servings but I certainly don't know how in the world you are suppose to.  I only got half of that which was 24.  In the picture they are a decent size but OMG even with it being 24 pieces, they are so small.  I am sorry it is certainly not worth 100 calories for these tiny bit size pieces.  I am trying to look for something tasty and somewhat filling dessert or something close to that for our meeting for next week.  Next week is our induction ceremony, and everyone is bringing something for the meeting.  Next week is when I will become leader.  I need to search some more recipes.  Hopefully I can come up with something.

Also too, I spoke to my son this morning.  During our conversation, we spoke about how hubby wants to see Bruce Springsteen this coming fall.  It is usually hubby contacts son to get tickets, because my son seems to get "lucky"?? or whatever in ordering tickets and being able to get good seats.  So while we were talking about it, my son turns around and says....um so whatever happened to dad's promise??.  I told him no big deal, I really don't think dad is going to keep it.  He turns around and says it is not fair and I am going to say something to him.  I told him no but I thanked him for remembering his fathers promise.  At least someone remembers.  I still have the feeling though he will mention something to his father. We will see what happens.

Tomorrow I am off and I need to take Pop to the doctor.  I certainly hope he is able to help him or at least steer us in the right direction to get him some help.  I really think his dementia is getting worse and unfortunately he is becoming more difficult to handle.  I feel sometimes bad for him because sometimes you can see the frustration and angry in him when he is lost and doesn't understand why he can't remember or whatever.  The part that hurts the most is when he gets so angry with me or another family member.  All we want to do is help and there are times he just pushes us away.  I pray that it will go well tomorrow.

Oh and I made a great dinner last night.  After the baking and seeing how much time I had left.  I decided to make these fantastic tuna cakes that a special woman makes.  OMG they were delicious and with them I made mixed vegetables and a sweet potato.  All of it was so so yummy.  Most important is that hubby really like it too.

Well if anything I did finally get my report done.  Such a relief.  Now onto things that I have let go to get that done.  Looking forward to having off tomorrow.

Until later..................

Day 53

Well, one thing that is true is that you do feel better, exhausted and your mind feels really good about yourself when you really move around.  Yesterday when I got home I immediately got changed and went out back to do some more yard work.  It was hard, at least for me, and I was sweating, which is good to do.  When I first went outside and saw what needed to get done, I immediately wanted to quit but I pushed forward.  This is something I don't normally do.  I will admit when it comes to times to really moving around, I will try my best to avoid.  But once I was done I really felt good, tired but good.  By the time I went to bed I was feeling all the bending over and pulling stuff around in my legs and arms.  Again I thought that I would be really sore, I am a bit but not as much as I thought I would be.  So with all that said, I am going to try to continue again today. Also too with this, the back yard is coming along.  Usually I leave stuff until the weekend to do.  But I actually thought,(wow I am finally thinking stuff through) that if I do a bit each day that I may get the project done even before the weekend.  So now I am going to try to plan small projects that I can try to achieve during the week.

Just finished my breakfast and now drinking my 40 ounces of fluid.

Getting real close to finishing my quarterly reports.  Also too I am now trying to plan some vacation time for me.....YEAH on that.....

Just loving this weather....

Until later..................

Day 52

As I was driving into work today I got to thinking of how my thoughts about certain things can really change my mood.  Like yesterday I was constantly thinking about how hubby has disappointed me and that thought stayed with me almost the entire day.  Which in turn helped me over do with eating.  I didn't eat poorly but I still over did with fruit and such.  Even my dinner was low calorie but my portions were way over the top.  This I will admit I have never really put this to much thought.  I am finding out that my moods are allowing me to head to unhealthy choices, meaning not only bad foods but as I said portions.  I guess my real goal here is to keep myself on a "good" motivation level?  Gosh it is really hard sometimes to even write exactly what I am feeling not even thinking.  I really think I need to further investigate this area.  Many may say or think that this is crazy but........I really don't know.  If anything I hope this is kind of a breakthrough?  Right now I am feeling this uneasy burning feeling deep inside.  I really want to lose this weight, hopefully this is all good.  Part of me is kind of mad that others don't have or want this drive, I think then why just me?  I don't know and that bothers me too.  Is this normal?  I wish someone could just tell me.  If anyone were to read this would probably think, what in the world is she talking about?  I guess I must be in some type of strange mood. 

Anyhow, I just finished with breakfast and now I am drinking my first 40 ounces of fluid for the day.  Lunch is supposed to be with a friend who will be in town today.  I have already made up my mind that all I am having is a salad.  I can not let going out control me, I am in control.  Maybe this is God's way of opening up my eyes?

Ah well, I need to now focus on my work.  I am so close to finishing the quarterly reports. 

Until later............

Day 51

I am all showered and dress, just passing some time before I head off to church.  I am a bit sore today all because yesterday I spent the entire day outdoors.  I cleaned out the entire patio and scrubbed all the patio furniture.  I even started pulling the weeds out of some of the picnic area.  Pulled out my spring flower baskets.  Now when I looked of what I got done I feel good but originally I wanted to do more.  Funny it is just like when you are starving.  Your eyes are much bigger.  I was hoping I would have gotten much more done.  I guess I sometimes don't realize of how much work I want to get done compared to how much I can move to get it all done.  As the saying goes your eyes are much bigger than your stomach, so is my eyes are much bigger than what I want to get done.  If that makes any sense.

When I first got out of bed, it was like OMG what did I do to my back, then wow my legs are really achy.  Then I realized that I really worked myself out yesterday.  Before I took my shower I was thinking that I better take it easy, I certainly don't want to go to work hurting.  Then after the shower and then getting dressed, I am now not hurting as much.  It is just my muscles telling me, wow you really worked us out, part of me is thinking that my muscles want some more.  So after church, I think I may go out back again and see if I can get the rest of the picnic area done.  That would be nice
. 
I pulled out some chicken for dinner and I also want to go to the produce store for some more fruit.  It seems that if I have fruit around I am picking at that than as for looking something else.  Oh and the vinegar solution does work.  My strawberries are still nice and fresh.  Even my blackberries are holding up fine. 

I have also been thinking about how I am disappointed in my hubby.  Story is that he loves Bruce Springsteen and as for his last two tours, hubby really wanted to go.  I have no problem with that, so he went, but here is the kicker.  Hubby went in 2010 to all "four" shows.  At that time he promised me he would take me away for a weekend.  Nothing big, just possibly a ride to the New Jersey shore.  Well that never happened.  Well Bruce was in town again, back in March and he went again, also not just one but again to both shows.  Even my kids reminded him about his promise of two years ago.  He mentioned it and said to me, well why don't you booked everything.  That is not the problem.  You see I always need to do the planning.  Just once I wish he would take the initiative and do it.  I even explained to him about it and he promised he would, keep in mind this was two years ago.  Well he still hasn't planned anything or even mentioned anything.  Well guess what.....Bruce is coming back again in September.  And yes he wants to go again.  I love him dearly but this hurts.  Not big time but I honestly thought he would have kept his promise.  I guess I just need to forget it and just accept that it will never happen.  I guess this really came to my mind because I was talking to my sister and her and her husband went away to Cape May this weekend.  I found this out during this week.  Then yesterday my neighbor and her husband were going away for the weekend and guess what....yes they were going to Cape May.  So I couldn't help myself and think Couldn't my husband plan a weekend away???    Guess not..............

Just feeling a bit blue here.............this too shall pass.............

Until later....................

Day 50

Just taking a small break from cleaning our back patio and preparing it for the summer.  Washing down the floor and bringing out and cleaning the patio furniture.  Then afterwards I will be bringing out all of my spring hanging baskets to hang around the sides.  Hopefully if I get all that done I can than proceed to get out in the yard and start sprucing up that area.  I need to wash down the small patio table and chairs for the picnic area.  Then need to weed out all the lousy weeds in the bedrock areas and then bring out my ceramic pieces and then after that go through all of my solar panel lanterns and see which was need to be replaced and then hang them out throughout the garden areas.  It is a lot of work but when it is all done, it is just a fabulous place to sit and relax and just enjoy nature.  It is one of my serene place to be at home.  Just soaking in the sun and then the cool evenings, with a nice magazine or book or just to sit and enjoy some relaxing music. 

Last night hubby and I went out for dinner.  Nothing special, we just went to Olive Garden.  I haven't been there in such a long time.  Now I will admit I did go overboard with my calories but I am kinda of proud too.  Being that I really wanted to have the chicken dinner which has loads of cheese and some kind of cream sauce but I did opt for the salmon dinner.  They now put on their menus the calorie content of the meals, so the chicken dinner was supposed to be about 1100 while the salmon dinner was 510.  I had soup which was 170 a bowl, but I did have two bowls but no desert at all.  Actually I even brought home the rest of the salad, which was quite a bit.  Hubby and I had two bowls served to us. And I did have a nice drink, which was a strawberry daiquiri.  It may not be the best but I truly believe I am making some better decisions. 

Well my break time is over and I must get moving.  If I sit too long then I won't want to finish.

Until later................

Day 49

WOOHOO...it is Friday and pay day and I lost another 4.25 pounds and I am one pound away from losing a total of 50 pounds.  Which will be another small goal of mine.  The ladies loved my presentation last night for our meeting.  I pray that I may have gotten a little into their heads.  I pray that the fire in my belly right now will never go out and that I can pass on a little light to start up in their bellies.  I feel right now on such a high that nothing can stop me.  I just want to keep up the pace and keep on marching.  Wow sometimes I can't believe that this is me.  I want so much to keep this feeling and remembering this feeling, especially during the low times.  But I am tyring to keep up with the reality too.  I also keep praying to embrace this all and just be so thankful for all I have. 
As a matter of fact, I woke up this morning with more ideas for the ladies and myself.  I have never done that before, just wake up with ideas.  I hope that this is not going to be an obsession because that can cause one to go nuts.....at least I think.
I just hung up with my sister, I called to wish her happy anniversary and to really enjoy her weekend.  Her hubby made plans to go away.  They are going to Cape May, in New Jersey for the weekend.  All she knows is that he booked a room in an Old Victorian breakfast house.  She just loves all that kind of stuff.  I am so happy that it is suppose to be a lovely weekend, weather wise.
Speaking about the great weather that they are predicting, I am planning to skip over, worrying about how the house should be clean and finally try to go out back and do some yard work and clean up the back patio.  I really want to dress it up with all of my silk flowers baskets and also put out my figures out and just make the back looked inviting and relaxing.  It is my favorite place to be in the evenings.  Just enjoying nature.  Also if I get all of this done on Saturday, possible I could do some cooking outside on the grill, maybe even have our dinner outside.  I certainly hope so.

Well the weekend hasn't started yet because this report is definitely not done.

Until later......

Day 48

Well, it is finally Thursday and tonight is my meeting.  I have all my binders and papers in order.  I am excited and of course nervous.  Yesterday was a very hard day.  I was running around here at work, I am surprised that I even had time to breathe.  It was nuts. Then last night my sister and I went to visit our dad.  We needed to have a good talk with him because he has been doing stuff that he shouldn't.  I pray that we got through to him in regards about his actions.  But being 91 he just blames his age and most of the time just tunes us out.  But with the grace of god maybe, just maybe he heard us and will try to do better.

I guess with tonight's meeting and being excited, I feel kind of good inside.  I also feel good because I have a dress on that I haven't worn in years.  I even think I look good.  So with all of this I am going to strut my stuff, so to speak.

If anything I hope today is nothing like yesterday, with the constant calling of my name.  Whew I was exhausted.

So with that I need to run and get this lousy reports done, once and for all.

Until later........

Day 46

Here at work, well things are getting a bit tense.  I really need to get this particular report done by Monday April 16 and I am getting nervous.  I am trying hard to stay focused. 

Also too last night I get a call from my daughter asking me for some thoughts and opinions, so after work I went to her house.  Seems that she is very upset with her work.  She received her mid-review and items that her manager put down were not pleasing to her.  Seems that my daughter has some co-workers that do not like her and are friends with the manager.  And this has all reflected on my daughters review.  Also too some other co-workers that my daughter knows are all pulling for her and tell her that this is not right and not fair.  She is becoming depressed and so stressed out.  I feel so bad for her right now.  I am praying so hard that the truth will come up to the surface.  I know deep down she wants to quit but that is not her style.  Also too she just loves the children and loves working with them.  It is just breaking my heart seeing her so down.  Like any mother, I just want to go up these women and beat the $h*t out of them and then tell them off, but we know that is not going to happen.  I keep reminding myself and also told my daughter that things will get better and that God has a special reason why she is going through all of this.  I just pray that things will get better for her real soon.

Still on track with food, hoping that I at least stay the same, but will be grateful for a small loss.

Also too my binders came in yesterday, so tonight I will prepare them for Thursday's meeting.

Well I need to get moving on my reports.

Until later............

Day 45

Well it is back to Mondays.  Truthfully I am sort of glad.  I realize that I do my best with the"old routine" bit.  It may be boring but for right now this is what works for me.  On a normal weekend with no partying or such, just the usual, well I believe I can work it through now.  It is just the going out bit, or celebrating that does me in.
Went yesterday out for dinner, it was nice, winded up to be hubby, Pop and my daughter did show up.  So the four of us had a lovely dinner.  Like usually I was stuffed and uncomfortable.  I am glad I am at work, at least I know I am near the restrooms.  Now to just get rid of that uncomfortable feeling and I can then move on.
Just finished my breakfast which is the usual and now drinking my green tea.  Afterwards I will get another 32 ounces of fluid, going to try to get it all down before lunch.  As of right now, I am just hoping that I stay the same.  Missing a week with TOPS does me no good.  I seem to have the mentality that it is OK to go overboard because I am not getting weighed that week.  What a lousy thing to think of but I do.  This is definitely my inner child.  I need to step up and be the adult of this issue.  I am also beginning to get antsy and nervous about Thursday's meeting.  I certainly hope the ladies will like it or even better will get motivated from it.
I also need to work much harder with Pop.  I don't know how to control it but when I am now with him I become agitated almost instantly.  He doesn't listen, does what he wants no matter what and also can embarrass you immediately.  He thinks at times he is so funny but it really is inappropriate.  Then if you say something he just comments of how old he is or that because of his age he forgot or something like that.  I feel he just looks for excuses for his actions which others do not take kind to it.
I pray so hard to have the patience but it seems as soon as I see him my patience just walked out the door.  Even hubby stated that he doesn't know how I take it all in.  Which in one way makes me feel a bit better but it still does not make me feel good about my dad.  I guess I just need to continue to push through all of this.
Well if anything again I am glad I getting back to the normal things again.

Until later......

Day 44

Just got home from church and I feel so serene and calm.  Our pastor has such a way with words.  Reminding all of us how we should put all our trust in the lord and how the lord loves us all.  It was a very nice mass.  It was so nice to see the church filled with so many families.  I wish it was like that every Sunday.
Now hubby and I are just relaxing until it is time to go for our early Easter dinner with Pop.  Yesterday I went to see my children because I won't see them today.  It was a long outing but very nice and pleasing.
Not much more to say, Yesterday I didn't have much to eat with all the running around I did.  So far this morning I just had a bagel with some lite cream cheese.  Just need to continue to stay focused and not be obsessed with dinner.
Oh I almost forgot I am so so happy.  A dear friend who I have met many years ago from a diet program through the internet, contacted me and asked about joining TOPS.  It was so sweet of her that she stated that she didn't want to intrude my privacy.  I instantly called her and insisted that she should come and she if she likes it.  I hope she does.  It will be awesome.  Part of me can't wait until Thursday.  On the other hand I am getting a bit nervous.  I will be sitting in for our leader since she won't be there.  I pray that the ladies like my topic. Now I am just waiting for the binders that I ordered for the ladies comes in before Thursday.  I hope that they understand my goal of what I would like to do for this year.  I can only pray.

Until later......

Day 43

Wow it is Easter already...time certainly does not wait for anyone.  I really enjoy the spring.  I kind of hope that the hot days will be some time off.  I also wish I really didn't have my auditors right now.  I would just love to take some vacation days and just enjoy this weather.  But be as it may it is just not going to happen.  Even though I am very grateful for everything that God has given me.

I talked myself into doing things when I got home yesterday.  Usually and many times I have good intentions but fall short in getting things done here at home.  Seems that in the morning I have the energy but as soon as I walk in the door out the window went my energy.  But yesterday was different.  I actually got a lot done so today I can continue some but still be able to enjoy and relax a bit.  Unfortunately I will not see my kids tomorrow so I am going to try to see them today.  Right now the both of them are working.  My son is a tax manager and obviously it is tax season, so he is working just about 7 days a week.  As for my daughter, well her work week is Tuesday thru Saturday, she works with cancer patients children.  I must give her a lot of credit, she has this amazing attitude with them.  Anyhow even though they are grown and are adults, Mom here still makes them a small Easter basket.  So I was hoping that I may see them for a little bit to give them their baskets.  Tomorrow it will be just hubby, Pop and me for dinner, which is fine.  We will be going to Pop's favorite restaurant.
I am going to try my best to stay within calorie range.  I believe the restaurant has salmon and that will be my pick.  Usually in the past (we have been going there for 30 years) I have always pick their prime rib, which in my book is delicious, but I need to change and change I will.
After this post I am going to make some banana bread, just noticed that the bananas are very ripe and I need to use them before I lose them.
I pray that everyone has a wonderful Easter and may the Lord bless everyone.

Until later.......

Day 42

Well finally it is Friday.  Actually this week went by pretty quick.  As I also feel that is how the weekend will go to.  Auditors came yesterday and it was a good day.  I feel today they are going to really have many questions and will be interrupting me a lot more.  Oh well this is how it goes. 
I kept thinking about my dad and how he just makes things so difficult not only for himself but for all of us.  I just don't what or how to get through him.  He is just so stubborn and yes, ignorant.  I understand he is old, I understand that he has dementia but he has ALWAYS be like this.  Just full of hatred and just down right mean to many people.  And with Easter coming, we usually have Easter dinner together.  Right now I really don't want to have dinner with him.  Part of me wants to tell him "just go over my sister house for dinner".  But that will never happen.  My feelings for him are bitter and I don't like having these types of feeling for him.  He is my father and I do love him but right now I don't like him.  This has been bothering me all day yesterday.  And with that feeling I turned to food.  I was way over on my calories and part of me just didn't care.  Even when I logged my food and saw the number just climb right off the charts, I actually thought, eh I got tomorrow.  I don't want to feel that way, it is like almost giving up or not giving a sh*t.  Today I need to focus more on me not people or things around me.  I need to remind myself of that more and more.  I need to just accept what has happened just happened and it is over with.  Later on today I need to call Pop and confirm with him about Easter. 

I just need to move on and move forward.

Until later.............

Day 41

Ah what a night, last night I get a call from the facility that my dad lives at and seems that Pop is stirring trouble again.  He is a good man but whenever anyone should cross his path, well look out.  He becomes such hatred, mean, nasty foul mouth man.  He will say everything and anything to get back, in his eyes.  Well, he was angry because this young man spilled apple juice on him and refuses to pay for the dry cleaning.  According to Pop this is not the first time this has happened.  Pop now feels that this young man does it on purpose. Problems is, is that Pop feels he can handle the situation completely on his own and not tell anyone.  Then when he says something and he gets no response then he gets mean and mad.

So hopefully after talking with the nurse and security things will calm down.  Even when I spoke to Pop he doesn’t remember the entire situation.  I believe the dementia is getting worse for him.  I explained to the nurse (who has to make a report) the Pop just saw his primary and that his next visit isn’t until early July.  That I would speak with the doctor about getting Pop tested again and see if there is anything that can be done again to slow down the dementia process.

Ah and to think that my own doctor tells me to try to eliminate any stress that I can.  Yeah right, how am I supposed to do that?  I just started today my medication for high blood pressure.  I certainly don’t see anything happening to lessen the stress any time soon.

The past few days I have been in calorie range.  I actually changed one of the groupings on My Fitness Pal to now include sodium, WOW was that an eye opener.  Now I need to concentrate not only on calories but also the sodium.  This is going to be hard but it must be done.  I really don’t want to be on any medication. 

Also too I have allowed myself to cheat this morning.  I was just so hungry, so with my usual breakfast I broke down and got a corn muffin.  Why I don’t know because once I ate my usual breakfast sandwich I felt fine but looking at the muffin didn’t think twice and ate that too.

Well I will record it and move on…..now drinking my 40 ounces of green tea.

Got tons of work to do and with that my auditors are starting today…….lucky me.

Until later……………

Day 40

It just dawned onto me of how long I have been writing this blog.  It doesn't seem like it has been 40 days.  So with that I had to see what my progress has been for this duration and I am happy that I am down 10 pounds.  It probably could be more but I know I have many obstacles to overcome.  I just need to stay focused and keep pushing forward.  I have been listening to my Cd's in regards about weight loss and keeping your mind focused and clear.  It has been helping.  I also am trying to keep my journal up to date on My Fitness Pal.  I have been seeing a pattern that I am trying to break and that is the weekends.  I also have seen small changes too in my so call life style.  We have more fruit in the house, trying very hard not to bring any junk in, well I know I am not bringing any junk in but hubby does from time to time.  He too is doing better. 

Oh and yesterday I had to go to the doctors for a check up again on my blood pressure.  Seems that the previous times that I had seen him my pressure was elevated.  We thought maybe due to the pain that I was experiencing from my knee.  Now that I have had two cortisone shots which has help greatly, well I thought for sure that my pressure would have come down but no.  So as of today I am taking medications to see if that would lower it.  Doctor was also pleased with my weight loss but also disappointed with the pressure.  With this news this is even more of an incentive to lose more weight.  I just need to stay even more focus on me.  It is true what another blogger has said.  If the doctor tells you that if you don't change you could die, what would you do.  He actually said it in different terms but still the thought still holds true.  I really need to kick this up several steps and get this weight off.

Must stay on target.........

Until later...............

Day 39

Yesterday was a decent day.  Got quite a bit done at work and once I got home I was able to do some baking.  Made some proteins bars that were desperately needed.  Also too my Dad stopped by the house to give me some more bills that needed to be paid.  While he was there he was telling me what happened at the facility that he stays at.  I try so hard to understand of what happens there but he just has such a hatred attitude towards people.  Plus he is so quick in name calling people.  It just makes me so angry with him.  He always tells me that I don't know how people were while he was in the army and during World War II.  But I keep trying to tell him that was then and this is now.  But he refuses to listen.  There are actual times that I am so embarrassed while I am with him.  I truly believe this is why he has no friends because once something should happen or someone says something that he doesn't like he just goes off.  Not one care in the world about the other person.  I continue to pray just asking the Lord to give me the patience and strength while in his presence.  Hopefully this Sunday for Easter he will behave and we can have a pleasant time together.

Also I made last night a simple dinner, I will admit it was not the healthiest but I did make sure I kept within my calorie range.  I made last night barbecue chicken wings, (hubby's favorite) and with it crinkle french fries (which I always bake not fry).  Once I saw the portions of my plate at first I was like, wow is that it? But I ate slow and once I was done I was no longer hungry and I was satisfied.  Also it kinda felt good not to be so consciences about what I should be eating.  Maybe I am having a break through?  Would be nice.

I finally finished last night my paper that I am going to hand out for our TOPS meeting.  It is all about commitment.  I hope they like it.  I feel it has a good insight in relationship about weight managing.  I also hope that it may hit home with several ladies.  I can only pray.

Until later.....

Day 38

Yesterday was a nice day.  Took the girls to see the bridesmaid dress and they love it.  So now the girls just need to order it.  There are four girls, three of them will be wearing the color burnt orange and the maid of honor will be what is called tangelo.  I really didn't look for myself.  I glanced around at the racks but nothing really caught my eye. Afterwards we went to Wegman's market cafe to get something to eat.  Again with my weakness, going out.  We were starving.  It was now approximately four o'clock and none of us had eaten the entire day. Well we sure made up for it.  I thought I was overloading my plate but you should have seen the girls.  Anyway bottom line is that I blew it for the day, trying to stay within 1500 calories but I know I had over 2000.

I am back on track for sure.  I just finished my breakfast and now I am drinking my diet green tea, total of 40 ounces and then will fill up my 32 ounce cup.  I am hoping to finish it all before lunch.  As for lunch I have my soup and then I just need to figure out what will be for dinner.  Hopefully this week will be pretty good.  Last week hubby was on vacation and he made dinner several times this week and not that I don't appreciate it but he certainly doesn't make the most healthiest dinners.  I also need to get out of my head is that we will not have a TOPS meeting this week because of Holy Thursday.  You see our meetings are held at the church and with mass going on Thursday evening it is just not happening. So many of us including me have this mind set that OK I can kinda cheat since I am not getting weighed this week.  That has to stop, no matter what I must be consciences about everything that goes in my mouth.  Personally I really would love to have a good loss next week.  So I better, maybe put up some reminders about what I should be doing. 

Until later..........

Day 37

Thought I would take this time to write my post and then continue to gather information for the next TOPS meeting.  Reason being is that our leader will not be able to attend and has asked me to take over.  She asked the ladies if that would be alright and they all agreed.  I am a bit nervous but I need to get over that.  I met with the leader last night to get some ideas and to hear her feedback of what I would like to do.  She was very supportive and also very excited for me.  So I think I would like to address commitment.  Hopefully the ladies will maybe get a boost of motivation and maybe a little fire in them to re-commit our purpose. I can only pray that this will be a go.

Also today I will be heading out with my daughter and her bridesmaids to go and look at some bridesmaids dresses.  Of course while I am there I will look for something for me.

I just finished making crosses out of the palm that hubby and I got from church.  They really came out good.  I have already placed some through out the house and the rest I will give to the kids for their houses. 

The past few days I have to admit that I am feeling pretty good even with my bad leg.  Also too I have been cheating with some of the candy that I bought.  I really need to stay focus on that stuff and just stay away from it all.  Hubby did the food shopping last night and with my list we now have lots of healthy food in the house.  I also need to do some cooking after the dress shopping.  Planning is the key of it all and executing the plan is what I must do.

Until later............