Day 266 So appreciative

Well the worse is over and I am so grateful, thankful, you name it.  Surgery is over and all went well with that.  But most important is that the result from the surgery is benign.  Seems that my skin disorder/disease is the cause of the whole thing.  When I go on Tuesday back to the surgeon she will explain everything to me of this disease.  Something in regards that the infection this time and gone deep rooted or something like that.  Unfortunately this disease has no cure; this is something that I must deal with for the rest of my life.  Truthfully I have been dealing with it for close to 40 years.  I already know about it, I have gone countless times to the dermatologist for some answers and it always comes out the same.  I could continue to go to the dermatologist only for when there is an outbreak or when the lesions are flared up.  I have already done this last year for 8 months, it just becomes so tiring.  But if anything I am thankful that it wasn’t breast cancer.  I actually had myself thinking that I wouldn’t be around for the kids wedding and such.  Boy oh boy can the mind really convince you when thinking about the unknown.   But this is now in the past and I need to refocus onto the future. 

My son called this morning and asked if hubby and I would like to go out for dinner tomorrow night.  I told him that would be nice but it wasn’t necessary, I am happy as a bug just when my kids come to visit, but that is what they want to do.   Oh and as for the holidays, well only if they should bring up the subject I will speak my mind but in a gentle way.  I certainly don’t want any arguments or hurt feelings from this all.  It is not worth it to me, but I will state that I am disappointed but I am over that.  I just hope that they and I mean “both” of them; maybe I am hoping in my mind that “she” will truly understand.  Who knows? 

The ladies from TOPS have been so kind and thoughtful.  I did write them a letter (through email) and explained everything and of how I am feeling.  The incision site is still sore and a bit red, which I told the surgeon.  The only thing is that also at this site it is very hard.  The surgeon stated that I maybe holding fluid behind the incision that it may be possible that she may have to do a simple procedure to drain the fluid.  I will find out on Tuesday.  The surgeon also was surprised that I went back to work so quickly, but I explained that I had to, not for work purposes but for my mind, in regards about waiting for the results.  She understood immediately.  So work has kept me busy but when I go home I am truly tired.  I am hoping that this will improve in time.  Tonight I am going to see my dad.  I didn’t tell him anything because I didn’t want him to worry plus I know he would get things mixed up and then he would worry more.  I just know he is thinking that I am mad at him for not seeing him for over a week but once I explain all should be good. 

So as it stands for thanksgiving it looks like it will be just hubby and me.  So I was thinking I might ask hubby to bring the xmas decorations up and I will try to get a head start with them.  That maybe even on thanksgiving I may do the window and get it done with.  He already told me not to cook that we would just make it simple.  He even mentioned about going out.  I will admit it will feel strange but on the other hand it is one less thing to be concern about if I have enough, trying to make something that everyone really like, etc.  I did tell my dear girlfriend about no one coming and I think she felt sorry for us because she keeps asking has anything changed.  I just told her that it may be possible that my daughter and her finance may come, that made her feel better.  She is just a sweetheart. 

Also I am so thankful for so many of my friends for their support, comfort, prayers, kind words and good wishes.  This is where I am truly blessed by our heavenly father.   Which in my prayers hope he blesses them and their families.

I am so grateful………………..

Day 256 Just wanting this to be OVER WITH

Well my mind has been all over the place.  Many things have gone through my head, mostly about the surgery.  At first I was hesitate in calling the doctor because I felt if a cold was coming on.  But I am feeling much better so it will be a go for the surgery this coming Thursday.  I am trying so hard to lower my smoking.  I count my cigarettes every day.  Last week I got down to 11 cigarettes.  I really do want to quit but it is so hard.  People talk about how quitting smoking is easier than to lose weight; well to me they are both very difficult.   I just don’t have it in me to go cold turkey.  Maybe with this surgery I may be able to do it.  I certainly hope so.

Oh, one thing that I must mentioned is that I am so thankful that with the storm, that we didn’t have any damages and so appreciative that the family is doing fine.  My niece and nephew though are going through this still without electricity.  They live not too far from New York and are also not too far from the coast line.  But one thing is that they too did not have any damages.  Just dealing with no electricity and having mega trouble getting gas so they can continue to go to work.

Hubby is so worked up with everything going on, I feel so bad for him.  Right now he is dealing with a law suit from work, last week they started with court and it will continue this week also.  These lawyers have him running around in circles.  The case involves this woman who claimed she fell on the ice at his work’s parking lot, during a storm that happened 2 ½ years ago.  She claimed she was taking a different route to someone’s house to do some under the table work.  This is when we had a blizzard and everything was covered.  Many parking lots were plowed but over night some surfaces iced over.  When hubby saw her he wanted to call an ambulance but her friend who happened to appear suddenly stated no and that she would take her to the hospital.  My question is where did this person come from?  Hubby truly thinks this was a set up of some sort but how can he prove it?  Anyway this woman is suing my hubby’s company but hubby has to go through all this crap.  So the trial is supposed to start today.  And with my surgery, well, he is a mess with worry.

As for my weight, well that too is not doing well.  I am eating up a storm, all because of my emotions.  I keep telling myself that I am not doing any good for myself but I continue to eat.  Last Friday I bought a half a gallon of ice cream and it was gone by the next day.  I feel like half of me knows that I am doing wrong but the bigger half tells me “so what”.  I cave in so quickly and easily.  That is not me and I don’t like it, so why do I continue?

I have been praying a lot too, asking for comfort, asking for help, asking that everything will be ok.  I am scared with everything but right now I am scared that I won’t wake up from anesthesia.  I know it may be dumb but this is how I feel.  Plus I know once the surgery is over my next worry will be the results from the pathology department.   Right now I am so sensitive with everything.  Like last week my son calls just to say hi and then the conversation went into about the holidays.  He proceeds to tell me that he and his finance are going to her cousin’s house again this year for thanksgiving.  I honestly thought that they would be coming to our house, especially since Pop is in the nursing home.  Last year it was my daughter and her finance and Pop and hubby.  Our family is so small.  So I thought it would be him and his finance and hubby and I.  Well I certainly guess wrong.  I mentioned it to hubby, not in detailed and he stated well don’t cook and we’ll just go to Boston Market.  Don’t get me wrong I am grateful that I have hubby but I honestly thought that we would have some family around, I guess not.  So I was very hurt about that.  I keep picturing that we will hardly see him anymore.  That she will have him wrapped and when occasions arrive, well, I won’t see him.  Then I started thinking about children and then my thoughts really started to wander.  I know my emotions are on a roller coaster and with this, well it too went for a ride.  I haven’t said anything to anyone except for a dear co-worker.  I am grateful that I have someone to talk to and let some of my emotions out.  Right now even with the thought of it makes me cry.  Like I said a huge roller coaster ride.

So with right now I am trying to keep busy, obviously not enough if I keep eating this way but hoping and praying for the best and of course this to be all over with.

Just waiting out the time………………..

Day 244 Faith will keep me going

Now that it has been several days, I have finally calmed down with the surgery idea.  Even yesterday I was still upset but I need to move on.  Hubby too is getting better.  I still have to tell the kids; hopefully I will be able to this coming weekend.

Also too yesterday I called the doctor’s office to get the name of what I have or so call have and the nurse was talking to the doctor right there and they both spelled it out for me and it is “dermatopathic lymphadenopathy”.  It sure is a mouthful.  Now of course I looked it up all over the internet and yes it can be frighten.  But even the doctors stated don’t believe everything that you read.  Easier said than done.  But she did state that she truly believes this is my case and having the surgery well, she said she wants to prove them wrong.  I guess to prove them wrong meaning about having breast cancer.  I certainly hope she is right. 

Tonight is TOPS and I am finally going back.  If anything I will tell the ladies that I am having some health issues only because first, surgery is scheduled on a Thursday plus I have no idea about how much time I need to recoup.  I guess I may find this out tomorrow when I meet with the anesthesiologist.  I hope I can get more answer too.

I made last night a friend’s protein bars recipe but I made it this time with pumpkin.  They looked good and smelled good.  Tonight at TOPS the ladies are having a Halloween party after the meeting.  Here at work they had a pumpkin sale and I bought two.  On Tuesday night I got the entire pumpkin cook and cooled.  I think I got about 10 cups of pumpkin, so I am hoping to make some low calorie pumpkin cake cheese rolls.  These I can freeze so I can have them for the holidays. 

I am trying to get my head back into the game and just keep going each day.

I read one of the blogs that I follow and she wrote about hope yesterday.  Boy oh boy she really hit it home with me.  Sometimes I actually believe, no I DO believe that God wants me to see, read and hear this.  I feel he is reaching out to me and just comforting me.  I am grateful that he has sent me to her to read her story and how she is overcoming all this obstacles.  Also too there is another woman, who I adore who I have known for a long time, she too has been through the ringer and today she shines.  Don’t get me wrong they still have their ups and downs but how they pull through it, well it is more than amazing.  I am truly blessed to have them in my life.

Thank you Lord…………

Day 243 Reaching for hope

Well my life seems to continue with sad news.  I feel so bad for hubby, with losing Max our dog, his buddy, I now had to tell him about the spot that the doctors have found.

I went yesterday to the breast specialist; she stated that I need surgery.  She feels that the lymph node that is enlarged has something to do with my skin disorder.  I couldn’t even pronounce the name let alone spell it, but I have a skin disorder which I constantly get cysts, carbuncles, boils, whatever you want to name it.  There is no cure and the doctors can only reduce or as they say calm them with injections and medications.  Anyhow also too with some of these cysts, some of them can lie deep down into the tissues.  Anyhow she feels that this one lymph node is also cause by this but she cannot be sure unless she removes it.  So as it is surgery is scheduled for Nov 8^th.  This particular node is located on my upper right breast towards my armpit.  I must admit I am petrified, scared and many other things.  Of course I fear the worse.  Most important I really don’t want to tell the kids.  They have plenty of things going on and I don’t want to burden them.  But I also know if I kept this from them, well they would be mighty mad.  This Friday I am scheduled to see the anesthesiologist to go over and possible get some tests in preparation of the surgery.   Once they remove the node it will go to the pathologist and the findings will take several days.  I know that is going to be hard to wait for.  I have some many mixed emotions about this all.  I am praying hard that this is the finding that they will come to.  Funny I have cried so much that I feel that I can’t cry anymore but the tears still do flow.  I am trying hard to keep occupied, especially my mind but naturally this thought still comes back.

All I can do now is pray; pray even harder than I usually do.

Day 238 When will it get better ??

Again this has been a horrible week.  I am filled with many mixed emotions.  Here is a timeline of what has happened.

Last week I get a call from the GYN wanting to see me sooner because of my mammo pictures.  Seems again it is showing a spot, got physical exam from GYN and she stated she couldn’t feel anything.  Well with speaking with the GYN she said with losing a good amount of weight, that the radiologist was unable to compare with last year’s pics.  She actually said that looking at the two pics that it is like looking at two different breasts.  So with that I had more pics done yesterday.  Well, actually the radiologist doctor did the ultrasound; he tells me he highly suggests that I should have a biopsy done.  But I am going to wait until I see the breast specialist on this coming Tuesday.  So of course I am filled with worry about that.  And even more to tear me apart is that our beloved pet dog Max had to be put down.  My hubby and Max were the best of buddies.  We had him for 13 and ½ years.  Hubby is truly heartbroken; hubby has never had a dog before.  I thought I have seen it all when hubby got upset and cried but not like this.  He actually told me that he continuing repeats in his head was taking him to the vet to be put down.  He kissed him and hugged him before he handed him over to the woman.  G as I will call her took Max and then hugged hubby and he sobbed.  One thing is that I am grateful is that hubby is on vacation, so at least he has some time to grieve on his own.  With him being so upset, I didn’t have the heart to tell him what the radiologist had stated.  I am just going to keep it to myself until I speak with the breast specialist.  I don’t want him to get more upset and more worried.  He does know I need to go and see them but that is it.

My son and future daughter in law are such sweethearts.  They sent a cookie flower arrangement in sympathy for Max.  Earlier today my son called and said that they were coming down and want to take us out for a while, just a sports bar nearby.  I know this will be good for hubby.

I was worried also too yesterday because my future daughter in law had to get a procedure on her back.  She is so tiny, seems that she has a herniated disk and the past week she was experiencing severe back spasms.  So yesterday she had to get two epidurals and injections of cortisone shots.  I really didn’t want them to come out but I have been told that she is feeling a lot better plus they insisted.

Then on top of all of this, Pop seems to be declining again.  I went last weekend to visit and he was so out of it.  Seems that he is losing a lot of strength that this time they (the nursing home) had to use the lift to get him out of bed and dress him.  He doesn’t even have the strength to even stand.  Plus he has lost some of his appetite and hardly eats.  I did find out from my sister who visited yesterday that he has a urinal tract infection and with this with elderly people can affect them with short term memory. So for now he is on antibiotics to clear this up.

Again I have not gone to TOPS; I just don’t have the energy or desire.  But reading another blog, well she is trying to give good cheer to others; with doing this gives her cheer.  I too am going to try this.  I need something to get me out of this horrible funky mood and need to stop with all the worrying alone.  As for my eating, well that has definitely fallen to the waste side but I refuse to let it sit there.  I am hoping maybe tomorrow I will set some time aside to sit and actually plan it out for the week.  I think I will write it down, like an itinerary and try my upmost best to follow it to a tee.

I have cried enough and can’t seem to cry any more.  I know in my heart things will get better, it just hurts so much and I wonder how long will it take to get better.  I am praying that God will help comfort hubby and also pray that I have no bad news to tell him after Tuesday’s doctor appointment.

Hanging on but with only a thin thread.

Until later…

Day 229 Is the pace too slow ???

Unbelievable it has been a week since writing.  It has been a busy week.   But today is a great day; my baby girl’s 24^th birthday is today.  I just think back how the time flies. 

I seemed to be saying that a lot lately.  Then I look back and see of how much progress I have done.  In total I see 60 pounds gone but at times I feel it should be more.  Even with my meetings I tell the group slow and steady is the right pace but what is really the right pace.  Funny with the weight coming off so slow I sometimes feel that I haven’t lost any weight at all.  Don’t get me wrong I am seeing it especially with my clothes.  People kind of tease me, ones that really know me, teasing me especially when I have to pin my pants at the waist so they don’t fall off of me.  Also too I will admit it feels really good with the few new clothes that I have bought recently.  I also wonder if I am eating really healthy.  But when I look at my log I know I am but, well I just don’t know.  I have heard many times with this much weight to lose; I should be dropping it off like crazy.  But I still ponder about of how slow these pounds are coming off.  Hopefully now with the knee doctor clearing me, and giving me a scrip for physical therapy I will hopefully begin an exercise plan.  Maybe that will aid in the losing.   Also too I do worry about the excess skin but am always telling myself I will cross that bridge when I get to it and I will not use that as an excuse to stop trying.  But I still worry about it.  Will I look worse?  Worse than with all the weight on me?

Still I wonder………….

Until later………..

Day 221 Where is the strength ???

This past week has been busy and I am still busy for the rest of the week.  Tonight I am going to get my hair done, need to wash away the gray again.  I will mention though, as I am getting older those grays certainly appear much quicker.   Then tomorrow I will be meeting with my daughter’s bridesmaids to start planning her bridal shower.  I will admit it is fun looking up the so many different center pieces, shower favors, games, decorations and even some really different and cool gift ideas.  I just want this shower to be a WOW type of a shower.  Then on Thursday is my doctor appointment for my leg (final check up) then afterwards TOPS meeting.  Saturday, hopefully I will be heading up to my nieces house for an Oktoberfest gathering.  Mostly family and some friends, hope the weather is nice.   Wow just reading all of this, well I just spent the entire week away…LOL

Today was difficult at lunch.  We had our managers meeting re-scheduled and was placed in the time slot as lunchtime.  So the company was kind enough to provide lunch, which may I add is very unusual but anyway was provided.  I must admit this is usually the time I just lose my guard.  Today was sandwiches, salad and of course desserts.  So as I stood in line, I keep reminding myself to choose wisely, So I picked chicken salad sandwich, which was a half of a sandwich, took a little bit of sweet potato salad (which I may add is super, super delicious) and then stuffed the rest of my plate with the garden salad.  I passed on the soda (which made me think about that) because I really don’t drink sugary drinks anymore.  They are just too too sweet for me. So that was really easy.  One thought of that I starting thinking then why can’t I pass on other foods?  Why do I feel so tempted by fatten, loads of oil, mayonnaise, salted, items.  Why do I crave this so much?  How can I get myself to the point where I only want really healthy items?  Like with the soda, I really cannot drink a regular soda.  The sweetness hurts my teeth.  I no longer like the carbonation in them; it makes me too gassy so why bother?   I understand that these temptations will always be there but why is it so hard?   I guess it probably came to mind when I did read before lunch this wonderful woman’s blog.  Part of her blog mentioned about addicts with drugs, and alcohol.   How it must be so hard for someone who is a recovering addict.  Where does that strength come from?  How can I get that strength?   Why?

Because I am an addict………………

Until later…………..

Day 213 Afraid to move

Another weekend gone.   Another day passes.  And with all this time, well I am still not moving the way I should be.  Why?  I wonder that myself many times.  Am I afraid? Am I that lazy?  Is it because I don’t want to be in pain?  Will this leg every get better?  I just don’t know the answer. 

I just finished reading this woman’s blog and O M G, I felt as if she was speaking to me directly.  I am beginning to believe that God has put me on her path.  To read and even feel her emotions, feelings, spirit of all she has been through.  But no matter what she continues to push through it all.  My goodness such strength she has.  Where does it come from?  I too want that strength, the motivation.  Honestly the ladies from TOPS state that I have it but there are many times I don’t feel it.  The ladies stated that they love the energy I give them but again I don’t feel it.  Am I faking it?  I still wonder.

Saturday my kids had a barbeque at their house.  As I was leaving my house, my neighbor peeked out her window to say HI and then stated how good I looked.  Don’t get me wrong it was great to hear this, all the work that I am doing but for some odd reason, I just felt she was being nice.  Like I didn’t believe it.  While at the kids house, a friend of theirs, nice kid (I really shouldn’t be saying kid, they are all around the age of 24) but anyhow, the young man stated how good I was looking, that he could see that I had lost a lot of weight.  Again it felt good hearing it but again I felt it wasn’t good enough.  I have so far to go and thinking will I ever get there.  Can I do this?  Am I looking too far ahead?   I sometimes feel I should just quit now.  I probably just need to stay in the present but can’t seem to shake this feeling that I haven’t done enough.  But then reading her blog, well it really touched me.  I just need to keep going.  Just do it.  I need to move more, perhaps that will help my head, feelings, emotions. 

As she put it, I need to just walk to the mailbox and back.

Until later…………………

Day 208 So much l need to do, now to just DO IT

It is just funny how the time just flies by.  This past week sure did.  Well the engagement party that my daughter gave at my house was a huge success.  Her brother and his fiancée were very happy.  Her menu was superb.  She worked very hard at it.  I am grateful that the weather was absolutely beautiful.  The back patio was certainly crowded.  It seems that everyone had a good time.  Now for this Saturday, her and her fiancé are having a barbeque at their house, such the party givers.

Today I am a bit bummed out, seems that our girls weekend away is going to be cancelled.  I was looking so forward to spending time with my best and dear girlfriends for the weekend.  But if anything this year my hubby is supposed to take me away overnight, so at least I have something to look forward to.

I can’t believe how quickly the days are going by.  It is like wow September is more than half over.  The colder months are approaching fast.

Last Thursday at TOPS I proposed to the ladies of trying to do 1200 calorie per day for one week.  I followed this man’s blog and that is what he is doing with a bunch of other people.  He is so right about eating less and doing more.  It is the simplest but yet very hard to do.  I have done it before but staying committed is the hard part.  At first I thought it would be hard but picking out the right foods, which I may add is very healthy for you, is the right road and yes it is NOT hard to do.  But with all these temptations around and processed food around and being lazy all comes into play here.  I am hoping that with the cooler weather and the parties all calming down, well I am hoping I can get myself into gear of what NEEDS to be done.

Also too I was hoping that my leg would be in better shape or at least not hurting as much by now since it has been close to six weeks since my last injection.  I will admit it has improved some but I was hoping for a lot more.   I was speaking to my neighbor last week and she even said, just walk to the mailbox, which is right around the corner of where I live.  And you know what she is right.  I even read about this other woman’s blog of how she just started out by just moving for 30 seconds a day.  I just need to do it.  I need to just get moving. 

Also too I am concerned about my dad.  I went to see him yesterday and all he did was just sit in his wheelchair and stare and then close his eyes.  He did tell me he was very tired and didn’t feel too well.  Sometimes I think he gets depressed because he was the type of man to be constantly on the go.  And now he is just about all the time in his room at the nursing home.  I need to think of something for him, something that he would like and get him out of there, even if it is for just an hour or two.   Maybe I might plan a picnic.  The grounds of where the nursing home is very nice and I feel being outdoors should do him some good.  I think I will check it out with my sister.

Well, I just finished with my breakfast and need to start with my work.   We been having some serious storms here, I hope that they are over with and look forward to seeing some sunshine again.

Until later………………

Day 200 Why am I allowing other people get into my head

Wow I can’t believe that I have had this blog for 200 days.  I know it is probably not a long time especially compared to others but….I am surprised that I kept up with it.  Anyway…

Last Thursday at TOPS my weight stayed the same.  Believe me I am thankful but I know what I had done and it wasn’t the right doings so to speak.  I really can’t explain it but my weekends are my weakest points.  Why do I cave in?  Why do I allow myself to overeat?  I really need to wrap my head more into myself. 

Also too I am allowing things that people are telling me bother me more than they need to.  I feel sometimes that whatever someone should tell me, well I am taking it so much to heart that I begin to wonder why they said something to me.  I really much rather not know anything. 

I know the above paragraph probably doesn’t make any sense, but I have no other way to explain it.

Like even this one woman from TOPS, she is an older woman, retired and trys very hard to keep busy.  Well sometimes I feel she just wants to be leader, which she has reminded me several times already that she was many years ago. She complains to me, gives her opinion of how things should be run; now she is giving me her ideas of how we should play games at the meetings.  I’m trying very hard to be kind and considerate but also trying to get my point across that these meetings are for the people who need/want a place to express their feelings, reach out for help and support.  Trying to tell her that these meetings are not like a classroom (she reminds every opportunity that she was a teacher for a very long period of time). I tell her that we are adults, here for encouragement, information etc.   I don’t know what she wants from me.  Honestly, she is getting on my nerves and if she should keep this up, well once my term is up, I will give it up.  I really don’t need this kind of aggravation.  I have plenty of other things that need my attention and such.  I don’t have the time to do all that I wish.  I did write an email explaining my feelings and opinions of have I feel the meeting should be run; also I try to be compassionate to her feelings.  I guess I will see if she should write back.

Well last night I went shopping with my daughter to get majority of the items needed for the engagement party that she is throwing at my house for her brother and future sister-in-law.  All I can say is that she is in complete control with this all.  She did show me the menu and it looks pretty simple but nice.  The only thing that I am concerned about is rain.  My house is really not that big and I was hoping that many people would be outside in the patio area where there is plenty of space and such.  But again I can’t control the weather, so we shall see.

Again I am trying to stay within the 1200 calorie range per day.  During the week I am drinking over 64 close to 100 ounces of fluid.  Let’s see what Thursday brings for me.

Almost quitting time, after work today I need to head up to Target and get some extra large bins, I primary use these to hold soda and beer.  I really don’t have extra large coolers.  This works just as well.

Well need to run to the ladies room and then shut things down here at my desk.

Still working 4 days a week.  I love having the 3 day weekend.  I will hate when it ends.

Until later…………..

Day 189 Wanting to stay in a good place

Well yesterday was TOPS night and I am happy to report that I lost another 2.75 pounds bringing my total weight into the next tens.  I am happy.  During this week I felt really focused and strong.  Now I just want to stay in this good place.  Don’t’ know why but I fear of falling off.  I haven’t (or least not yet) but I wonder if I can stay true with myself and not slip and start giving myself excuses.

With following another blog, like I have stated in a previous blog, he has challenged a group of people to eat 1200 calories per day.  Embarrassed or I should say fear of failure I have not joined his group publicly, I have joined privately.  This way no one would know if I failed, only me.

One good thing about this feeling/attitude is that I am trying to spread this so call mo-jo to my TOPS group.  Hopefully the motivation will be accepted.

As for the weekend, well nothing really happening.  No plans to go anywhere, even though the hubby and kids are going to a concert on Sunday and Monday.  I have no desire to go, why??  Only because I don’t care for the entertainer.  I do wish them to have a good time.   I just sometimes wish that hubby would like to do something with me, something that I would like to do, but I guess for right now, it just is not happening.

I just finished reading another blog of this woman who has gone through so much and has lost a tremendous amount of weight.  Well today she wrote about isolation.  She really puts her feelings out there.  Well she got me thinking and I thought YES that is how I feel sometimes.  Isolated, alone, even when hubby is here I still feel alone.  Is it because we have lost interest in each other?  I do understand that we are in a new stage of our lives, meaning that the kids are out and on their own.  Do we need to readjust again?  Do we need to re-introduce ourselves and see and find out who we are?  Or is it we are just used to each other.  Feed off each other’s emotions.  Have we become too, too comfortable with each other?  Have we lost the energy? Is it because we are older?  Many questions go through my head.  I truly want him to be happy but then I stop myself, what about me?  Am I happy?  I honestly don’t know. 

I actually thought the other day, am I going through menopause, even though my period has stopped many years ago.  I still do have periodically have those horrible hot flashes but I never went through as some women do with the mood swings and terrible attitude.  Am I going through it now?  Am I one of those women?

This is something that I need to talk to my GYN; thank goodness I have an appointment next month for my annual check-up.

Only thing that I am really trying real hard is to stay in this one good place, and that place is my relationship with food.  It is fuel for my body and nothing else.  I want to get away from it for comfort.  I need to find another comfort zone.

Until later……………

Day 186 Trying not to fail

This past week and weekend I have been reading another blog.  This man, well he can be very blunt and crude but I must admit he is honest and to the point.  I have been reading his blog for some time now.  I also will admit that he is funny, I guess in an odd way, but he does make me laugh at times with his stories.  The only thing is that I won’t comment on his blog in fear of humiliation, which if he feels that you are not doing it right, that really isn’t it, if you are BS yourself through your blog and giving hints, suggestions about losing weight, well he will call you out on it.   I certainly don’t do these things but I don’t know, I guess I just don’t want to become one his posts like he has done with others.  Anyhow, he has started a challenge with a bunch of people, stating to only eat 1200 calories per day.  Obviously it must be healthy and full of nutrients but must be no more than 1200 calories.  So I was thinking if this group of people can do why can I?  Also too I didn’t sign up because I am afraid of failure.  Lasting for 10 weeks is a long time. I don’t know if I have it in me.  So rather than disappoint him or I should say me, I decided to give it a try on my own.   Why am I hiding, believe me I have asked this question to myself many times over and over and I still don’t have an answer. 

Yesterday was the first day and I will admit, the thought of only 1200 calories made me think, wow I know I will be hungry, will I last even the day.  But the more I thought of it I thought why not.  I must stop thinking such negative thoughts especially of failure.  Anyway I made sure that I planned my meals.  One thing for sure is that I love, love My Fitness Pal, it certainly makes life much easier.  And you know what???  I made it through the day with the 1200 calories plus drank my 64 ounces of water.  I know I should be drinking more fluids but for me I need to work up to that.  For some reason if I drink too much fluid I almost get to the point of vomiting.  So in this area I need to work up to it.  Hopefully in a few days I might be able to get to about 80-90 ounces. Truthfully I need to be drinking around 135 ounces per day. 

When I woke up this morning I felt really good, knowing that I did it.  Now I am moving onto day number two.  For me right now chewing gum is helping me a lot.   Even with working 10 and half hours a day plus with a 1 hour commute each way, I did not slack with my selection of food.  Right now I am very pleased with myself and I want to continue this journey.

Maybe there is hope for me after all.

Until later……….

Day 179 Getting back to norm is good

Feeling good and feeling good helps keep me on track.  I sometimes wonder about why I allow my emotions get the best of me.  I always thought of myself as a strong person, maybe in support for others but maybe not for myself.  Why do I caved in and almost give up.  Maybe deep down I feel that I am a failure?  Can’t explain it and it does bother me at times.  For me I just push it aside and try not to think of it.  But many people have stated that you need to dig deep and face those emotions.  Try to conquer them.  Gosh it is really hard.

Well I will admit I was quite surprised on Thursday at TOPS.  I thought for sure that I had gained but I lost.  Another 1.25 pounds.  Not much but I will take it.  Now I just want to lose another 2 pounds and I will be in the next set of tens.   Also too we have new people joining our group, which is awesome.  We are actually getting to the point where we may have no more seats left.

Saturday my daughter and I went dress hunting for me for her wedding.  We had a great time.  Just spending the day with her was priceless.  We actually went to this one shop that houses only plus size dresses and of course had my favorite line, Catherina by Jordan.  I did see some of the dresses that I saw online but as the saying goes, nothing is better than seeing it in real life.  Funny as it seems but the dress that will probably be the one is one that I never pick.  Below is a picture of it.

                                     

Now I just need to decide what color.  I originally was going to stay in the brown family but her future mother in law took over that color.  Even though we had discussed colors and she told me that she was going to go in the green family.  Well next thing I know she supposedly got her dress and it is some type of brown.  Thanks so much lady……so it looks like I may go in the red family.  The wedding is in October, so my daughter is sticking with fall colors.  My daughter took a picture of me in the dress, I think I look not too bad but my daughter thinks I look really good.  I showed the picture to a few dear girl friends and they said the same.  I am hoping to still lose more weight.  Deep down I just don’t want to embarrass my daughter.

Now I am just waiting to hear what colors my future daughter in law wants to have and then it will be another hunt for another dress.

These kids are sure keeping my hopping.  The only thing that really bothered me on Saturday was for some reason my leg was hurting real bad.  I really didn't think we did a lot of walking but my shin was screaming with pain.  I am finished with my shots and don’t go back to the doctor until September 27^th.  I certainly hope things get better with this leg.  So much I want to do but limited with it.

This coming Saturday hubby and I are going to meet my future daughter in law’s parents.  One of her cousins is having an engagement party for them and having the family there.  Should be nice.  I was very happy when hubby came home and said he does not have to work on Saturday.  This way we will be on time instead of being late.  I hate arriving to events late. 

Just finished my breakfast and need to start with my work.

Praying that today is a good day, not only with food but being productive too.

Until later…………….

Day 174 I think I am back in control

Well I have made it through this week, working the 10 hours each day so I can have off tomorrow.

It has been a bit of a struggle but it is all good.

As for my food, well I have done pretty well except for two days.  Like usually I have caved in.  Tuesday here at work they celebrated birthdays, so I had some cake. We do it once a month. Then for Wednesday, I went out with a co-worker/friend and had some pizza.  So with those two days put me over my calorie limit each day.

Today I am looking forward to seeing the ladies from TOPS tonight.  I have really missed them.  Tonight I have planned to discuss portion control.  I went to Party City and bought 9 ounce cups.  I plan on giving them out and challenging them to prepare their plates with only one cup of whatever they made for dinner.  Even if they had prepared items as mash potatoes, Mac and cheese, whatever.  I want to instruct them to eat just that plate, when finished to really think and feel of how they feel.  Are they satisfied, are they truly still hungry.  I came across this idea through an article I had read, where someone measure just one cup of everything they ate.  If anything this may give a better visual on portions.  As for myself, I know I need this lesson.  So I hope that there may be a few who will like the idea.

Below are some of the dresses that hopefully Saturday my daughter and I will try to go out and see them.  These seemed to be my favorites, at least looking at them on the computer.

I hope that we have some luck.  Should be fun and I hope the day is nice, even though they are calling for bad weather.  At least not too bad because we do have a bit of traveling to do.   Ah time will tell.

Until later………….

Day 172 Starting to feel like I should

It is sometimes amazing and dishearten of how stress can affect a person.  I sometimes wonder how I can get better control my emotions.  I guess no one really can.  I even sometimes wonder why I wonder these things.

But on a much better note, I feel that I am getting back to who I want to be.  A person with determination, a person who is happy, a person who cares for others while still caring for themselves.

I just finished reading some blogs and oh my, were they inspiring.  A dear friend (I would like to think of her this way) well, she writes sometimes often about her “road”.  How she walks, jogs or I really should say race walk on her favorite road.  I know she is getting in her exercise but I really think her “road” is her salvation.  Seems that when she travels on her road, she does a lot of sorting, understanding, and is able to collect her thoughts while moving her body.  I too want to do something like that, but for the longest time I was unable due to my leg.  I feel and (I pray) that with the injections that this will all change.  Each day my knee is feeling somewhat stronger.  But the doctor did say to take it slow.  He stated that with most patients, that after approximately 4 – 6 weeks after the last injection, they really begin to feel the full effect of the medication. My last injection was just this past Thursday.   Gosh, I wish it was sooner than that.  I will admit, unless I am pushing it a bit, my walk to work in the morning is better.  I wouldn’t even be half way there and the pain was excruciating and sometimes needed to stop and rest.  But now it begins to ach badly just about when I get here.  To me that is an improvement but again wanting it to get better faster.  Then again patience is not one of my best features. 

Also on another blog, this woman, who has gone through just about everything, well I love reading about her motivation, inspiration, you name it.  She started well over 400 pounds; hubby left her with 4 children.  Wow where do you begin, thank God for her family and her faith.  I read her post from today how she just did small steps, and I mean small steps.  Just like walking to the mailbox and back.  So with her post and the other, that is exactly what I am going to do today.  When I get home from work I will walk the driveway back and forth.  Hopefully maybe getting some strength I will then try to walk around the block.  Then I hope that someday I will walk the path through the park that is near where I live.  I have only once walked the path, but it was so lovely, the path goes along the creek and over a bridge.  It is like being somewhere so different.   So serene, so quiet, just beautiful.  Ah…I wish I could do it now.

Until later……

Day 171 Getting back on top

Finally, a day with good eating.  I tracked my food intake and I was in range.  Such a good feeling.

Today I start with my 10 hour day work week.  For the month of August our company allows the employees to work 40 hours in 4 days, then allow the employee to take off the fifth day without using a PTO (paid time off) day, thus allowing us to keep PTO for another time.  So today I need to get in work a bit earlier at 7 am instead of my usual of 7:30.  The hard part is tonight, usually I am done at 4 pm but now I need to stay until 5:30.  It is a long day but having the Friday off is worth it.   Wow I can’t believe that the summer is just about over.

So I am prepared with my breakfast and lunch for today. I just need to figure out what will be for dinner.

I also was thinking about the meeting this coming Thursday.  I have been hearing that some of the members are not doing too well, which includes me also.  So I thought I would bring up the topic of portions.  Also too I think I will go to party city and look for approximately 8-10 ounces plastic cups.  I was thinking about a challenge to the ladies.  I want them to use these cups to measure 1 cup of their food, no matter what it may be.  Set their plate up and only eat what is on their plate.  Once done eating, wait and really see if they are still hungry.  If so then follow the process again.  I want them to see how much they are really eating.  I thought this might be a good plan.  Let’s see what happens.

As for myself, well I try to eat healthy but don’t measure out my portions.  It may be cumbersome, but it needs to be done.  I need to see how much I am really eating.

This maybe a break though, if anything, at least for myself.

Ok I am going to try and see if I can post the dress that I like, and hopefully will get for my daughter’s wedding.

Not really sure what color, possibly cranberry or wine.  Her theme is all fall colors.  The girl’s dresses are burnt orange.  Very pretty.   I think I need to print out this dress and put it on my fridge.

Until later………

Day 170 Trying to get back my good attitude

Well today is a new day that the Lord has given me and I must make the best of it.  I think with yesterday I just wasn’t feeling good physically.  As the day progressed I began to have some bathroom issues and my stomach just wasn’t right.  So with that feeling I had to watch (plus wanted to watch) what I winded up eating.  So with that plus having a headache I did absolutely nothing but rested and lay around.  Maybe that is just what I needed.  So today I am feeling better, I went to church which helps me and puts me at ease and also with some peace.  I am looking forward to this week, nothing really special but just wanting to get on track and back to routine and such. 

 After church I went to see Pop, he is doing ok but I found out he is starting his crap again and being disrespectful and rude with the workers there.  This one black woman called me out into the hall to speak with me of how he cursed her out and called her names.  Like usual, I am embarrassed and I try to apologize for his behavior.  Well she bluntly told me that she will now avoid him with all costs.  I went back into his room and spoke with him.  Of course he got nasty again, and of course I try to tell him there is no reason to be calling people names, that you just need to tell them what it is bothering you, no need to start with the cursing and such.  And of course, he just sits there with his eyes close just shutting me out as I speak.  There is no changing, or even trying to reason with him, he just says what you do want I am 91 years old, what do you want from me.  I also tried to explain this to the woman but I could tell she already made up her mind about him.  I told him keep this attitude up and no one will help you or assist you.  Part of me is thankful that I am working 10 hours for the next three weeks and I told this to Pop that I probably will not be seeing him as much.  It may be a coward way of getting out of seeing him but I feel I need that break from him.  Pop can be such a downer.  So negative, everything and everyone out to get him, break him down, take everything away from him.  It is not just now with the situation, it has and he has always been like this.  The only times I get really mad at him is when he talks bad about my mom.  In my eyes she was a saint to put up with him all those years.  He will never admit to it but he has always had a lousy and bad temper.  My sister and I or at least for me while growing up was always afraid of him.  Don’t get me wrong if I did something wrong, mom would correct us and would hold dad at bay with us because she knew what he was capable of doing. Gosh, I miss her so much.  Mom was always the one who kept order in the house plus all the finances.  Once she passed, well dad just went to town with everything.  Piling up the bills and not giving a crap about anything.  Well that is all in the past.  My sister and I keep telling him that he should be grateful of everything that we a doing for him, that he could be alone just like his own father.  It may be wrong to say but when he gets out of hand I simple tell him that he is exactly like Opa.  (Opa is the German way to say grandpa) and boy does he give me a nasty look, like he would like to hurt me.  But I give him the same look back and then explain how he hurts so much with his words.  But like I said there is no changing him.

 I try to do what is needed of me.  Now I just need to get back on track doing what is best for me.  I need my positive attitude back and not let things get to me like the past few weeks. 

Until later…………